UPDATE...I am putting the update here because people need to see this. On the same day that Voter ID went into effect for the first time in Wisconsin, the Wisconsin Assembly was in session. Watch as Republican Rep. Joel Kleefisch, husband of Lt. Gov. Rebecca Kleefisch, votes at least three times on the same question. (UPDATE 2: Looks like my good friend stcroix cheesehead posted this video in a diary that is on the rec list. I'll keep it here, but please join the discussion about the video in stcroix cheesehead's diary)
Now enjoy my slightly embellished recounting of my voting experience...
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Today is election day in many parts of Wisconsin. There was one item on the ballot in the little village just north of Madison that I call home. Three candidates are competing for a seat on the Dane County Circuit Court, so today's election was a primary to vote one of them off the isthmus.
I just returned from the polling place, and let me tell you it's getting a little ugly. Today was our first election under strict, new voter ID laws passed last year by the Wisconsin legislature, and the hordes of fraudulent voters are angry.
Dozens of them were milling around the front doors of the community center where I intended to vote, taunting legitimate voters like me as we passed through.
"You think you're better than us, just because you actually live around here?" one of them asked me. "Hey, Joe. Look at this guy. He thinks he's gonna vote today with his fancy driver's license and legible signature."
That's when Joe and his friends moved toward me.
"I'm just here to vote," I said. "I don't want any trouble."
That's when I made my move. "Look! Over there," I said. "Free cigarettes being handed out behind that bus from Chicago!"
That distracted them long enough to allow me to make my way into the building and downstairs where the voting booths were stationed. I looked around and finally relaxed when I saw that the poll workers looked like me. "This must be the right place," I said to myself.
Then, from behind me, I heard a gruff, old voice. "Rough out there, ain't it?" said an elderly poll worker sitting next to the ballot counting machine. (We vote on paper ballots by filling in a line next to our choice, but the ballots are counted by a machine.)
"You might want to leave by the back door. Not so many crooks. Never had all this trouble before the Voter ID and the ballot machine. You know, back in my day, we didn't have all these fancy..."
"Yeah, that's nice, old man," I said with a wave of my hand as I walked to the table where other poll workers were waiting to check my ID.
"That's actually a woman," one of them whispered to me. "She's been working these polls so long nobody even knows her real name. We just call her Sylvia. Her eyes are so bad she can't verify names and addresses in the book, so we just set her over there by the machine and tell her it's her job to make sure it beeps when someone puts a ballot in."
"Does it beep?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, it beeps. Sometimes it beeps twice," she said with a wink. "If you know what I mean..."
"Not really, " I mumbled, but by that time I had my ID out of my wallet and I handed it to her. "It's a brand new license," I said. "Nothing changed but I put on a few pounds this year and the old picture didn't really look like me, so I went to the DMV this morning and got a replacement, just to be sure. Twenty eight bucks, can you believe that? Picture turned out good though, right? Looks just like me."
"State your name," she said.
"Giles."
"Last name?"
"Boy. Middle initial G."
"I don't need an initial," she answered. Then she asked me to state my address, which I did.
"Sign here," she said as she handed me a pen and slid a big book across the table. "In the box next to your name."
I signed. She looked at my signature for what seemed like a long time. Then she looked at my driver's license. Then she looked at me.
"Is my signature OK?" I finally asked. "Is there a rule about legibility? I read on the election board's web site that I'm supposed to sign the way I normally sign, so I didn't want to make it too legible. The only time I sign my name is at the hardware store on one of those signature pad thingies. You know, the ones that make your handwriting look like crap? That's how I normally sign."
"Hey Sylvia," the poll worker yelled out. "This guy thinks he's gonna vote today with his fancy new driver's license and illegible signature."
She looked back at me.
"I'm just shittin' ya!" she finally replied with a grin. The other poll workers laughed, except Sylvia. "For some reason it's been real slow around here today, so when someone comes in we just give 'em a little shit to pass the time. Here, take this number and hand it to Barb at the next table."
"Over here," Barb said as she waved me over. She took the number and handed me a ballot. Sure enough - one race. I walked to a booth, picked up the pen, and filled in the line for the female candidate. That used to be a pretty good system for when I don't know anything about the candidates in a non-partisan race, and I guess I still do it out of habit. Vote for the woman. She'll clean things up when she gets there. Sexist, but effective.
I'm thinking of changing systems, because now the women are getting just as crazy as the men. Longest name, maybe. That's usually an immigrant, and I like to give the new guys a chance. Guess that makes me a liberal.
I slid my ballot into the machine next to Sylvia. It beeped. Once. Sylvia nodded. I headed toward the back door to leave. I opened the door and looked out. No fraudsters. I decided I'd have to circle around the block to get back to my car without passing Joe and his friends near the front of the building, but before I left I turned back toward the poll workers.
"Thanks for letting me vote!" I called out with a straight face. They stared at me.
Then I broke into a big smile. "Just shittin' ya!"
They didn't laugh.