Does this ever get better?
I'm starting to wonder if it really gets better for people like me.
I do read Dan Savage religiously, and I have to admit that he gives me a lot of hope; his "It Gets Better" campaign has gotten through to a lot of GLB teens. But what about those of us who feel wrong in our own bodies? What about those of us who feel robbed of the lives we were supposed to have?
What about those of us who are transgender?
I ask this question because I have to choose between the life I want and any form of stability that I might have; but the question is much deeper to me than my own life. My lover happens to be a trans-woman*.
I worry about her with alarming frequency, not because she lives three thousand miles away (which she does), but because I'm worried that some nut-bag Republican's going to get it in his head to slit her throat, which happens a lot. (Thankfully killing a trans-woman's actually a hate crime now, otherwise I'd be frantic every time she leaves her house.) I worry about her dreams, her career goals, her chances at living a decent life within our highly discriminatory society, and her general emotional safety; and the sad thing about it is, I cry about it daily because I can't tell anyone about it. (Usually at 4 AM, but hey, I can't really be picky about the times I cry, can I? Stupid estrogen.) She came out to me first, and I must say that my reaction wasn't good; I spent the week after that crying and moping around like some kind of ghost, afraid of all the things I mentioned, and let me just say that the fear hasn't gotten better.
The question I'm asking now is, why do I have to worry this much about my girlfriend? Why do people feel like this kind of violence is warranted?
It's impossible to say how profoundly painful it is to stare in the mirror and realize that you'll never be the person you've technically always been; but it's even more painful to try and become that person, realizing that you'll never be fully accepted. I've tried to come out to my mother a number of times, and she has responded with either hysteria or denial. And the thing is... I think she'd rather I was a lesbian.
I've spent my entire life being told to "act like a lady," even though I obviously had a masculine personality. I've been punished for not wanting to wear makeup, or for being too creative with it, or for wearing too much eyeliner; and while I DO enjoy some aspects of being feminine (applying makeup is fun), I can't really stand the rest of it. I can't stand looking at my breasts and realizing that no amount of binding is ever going to make them look small. (For the record, I have E-cups, which are painful and hard to sleep with). While my girlfriend's parents are supportive and loving, my parent is about as supportive of my decision as any conservative bigot would be of a transgender daughter (grah pronouns). And why should I have to deal with this? Why is this unsightly, jiggly, curvaceous shell something I should have to live with? Why do I have to adhere to my gender when it's very clear that I was never meant to?
Is it because gender roles are so ingrained in our society that we're incapable of accepting someone who veers from the norm?
And see, those of us who are trans don't just experience bigotry from the conservative bigots. I honestly think I could accept that if that were the case, because they don't exactly have a great track record of acceptance and pacifism (which is honestly kind of silly in light of what their God actually preaches); but no, we experience it from all sides. Many members of the GLBT community see the "T" part of that equation as a shameful addendum to their otherwise-wonderful rainbow-colored breakfast club (and forgive the bitterness, but I think I kind of have the right to feel this way). I hate to say this, but you're using the same tactics that the Christian Right uses on you, and it's not attractive at all.
"Oh, you can choose to not dress like a chick!" So you can choose to be sexually attracted to the same gender, right? (Forgive me, I'm being cruel.) This isn't a choice - it's a curse that none of us asked for; it's considered a psychiatric disorder within the medical community, which means that at best it's a disease. And honestly - who the hell (excuse my language) would choose this? Who would choose to endure the discrimination, the terror, the misery, the possible loss of family members, the bigotry and the violence that comes with being trans? Who would choose to be seen as a "thing" rather than a person?
I don't care what you do to me; I'm not afraid of you, and I never have been. But my girlfriend doesn't deserve this, and I know that there are thousands more like her who don't deserve it; so you can bet that I'll fight you on this. You can believe I'm wrong all you want to, but it's not going to change a thing; all I ask is that you don't slit my girlfriend's throat while she tries to pursue a life that will make her happy. And really, people, the fact that I even have to ask that is kind of shameful.
*Forgive the pronouns. I really haven't gotten the hang of this yet.