The original excellent essay was posted by Terry Shaffer and is available in full at the above link. I felt a need to modify it for this post because I couldn't stand the thought that Corbett would serve two terms. I also changed much of the wording to reflect my own quirks. For any parts you like, credit Terry. For the parts you hate, blame me.
January 1, 2015
As we approach the final days of the glorious Corbett Administration, let’s take a look at the impressive accomplishments of the last 4 years which have transformed PA. into a veritable role model for governmental reform.
While Governor Corbett was not able to achieve re-election over that guy in jail, the Governor did manage to put the government back where it belonged – back in the hands of the corporations…who could afford it. (Corporations have feelings, too, you know)
February 2013: At his budget address, Corbett announces another round of major cuts to public schools and colleges. Actually, we don't know what he said because the event was held at charter school magnate Vahan Gureghian’s new megamansion in Palm Beach to an invitation-only crowd. But that’s what Spokesman Kevin Harley said he said, so it must be true. This is the last time Corbett is seen in public.
March 2013: To "recognize fiscal realities", all polling places throughout Pennsylvania are consolidated to 30 locations, which are placed at suburban country clubs. Persons who are not members are able to obtain a temporary pass card for the front gate by applying at least 6 months advance and providing seven forms of photo identification and their grandmother's original notarized birth certificate.
March, 2013: Corbett signs a multi-billion dollar contract with Gureghian’s Charter School Management Inc. to provide job training services for the state’s rapidly-growing prison population. The contract is funded by the elimination of the Pa. Department of Education and the sale of Philadelphia to New Jersey.
April, 2013: Corbett achieves a consolidation of the PA Court System with the prison system, which offers substantial savings to the taxpayer. The Governor is unavailable for comment.
May 2013: With its budget engorged by the merger with the courts, the Department of Corrections acquires sites for 15 new combination prisons/gas well complexes. The land and buildings are purchased from near-bankrupt state universities and public school districts at bargain prices. Charter School Management Inc. is hired to construct the prisons and provide the prison guards.
June 2013: Responding to questions about the alleged beating death of an elderly disabled man by the Pa. Secretary of Agriculture after a bad shoe-shine, Corbett spokesman Harley says the investigation is “ongoing”.
December 2013: With their funding already reduced to the level where their sole responsibility is to offer aspirin to hospice patients, the Departments of Public Welfare and Health are both unceremoniously merged with the Department of Corrections.
January 2014: After 3 years of emphasis upon "usable skills" among prison inmates, the Natural Gas Industry decides that all natural gas jobs will be held by Pa. prison inmates or Texans. 45 new "work release facilities" are built by the Dept. of Corrections near concentrations of natural gas wells and sludge ponds. To fund the new facilities, the Pennsylvania Turnpike and all of the State Parks are sold to Vahan Gureghian.
December, 2014: In his final speech, taped in advance in Vahan Gureghian's guest mansion, Corbett says “It has been my pleasure to make Pennsylvania into a Commonwealth where the prosperous can prosper and not have to deal with those people."
In an unrelated announcement, Attorney General Freed says the Bonusgate investigation is “ongoing”.