From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Friday + Haiku = Fraiku!
Bin Laden is dead
and GM's alive, baby!
Nice bumper sticker
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Maine's roasting in March
Global warming is a hoax
said the idiot
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Rick Santorum wins!
Chastity belts in! Porn out!
New veep: Angry God
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"Hop up, Seamus, boy---
You get to ride on the roof!"
Intestines rumble
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Guv Walker despairs
Why do people hate me, man?
Cuz you're a dick, dude
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In the general,
we get a do-over, see?
Shake shake shake shake shake!!!
I imagine i just broke a boatload of haiku rules. Don't get up---I'll find the penalty box myself. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 23, 2012
Note: No C&J on Monday. Back Tuesday. In the meantime here's a thought: the President of the United States is distant and aloof. Discuss.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the May 8 Democratic primary preceding the June 5 recall election in Wisconsin: 46
Days 'til the inductions of the 2012 nominees into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame: 22
High temperature in Portland, Maine yesterday, a record: 82 F
Revenues for the 2011 fiscal year at L.L. Bean, an increase of 5.5% from the previous year: $1.52 billion
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Acres of pizza Americans eat every day: 100
Number of pizzas we eat per year: 3 billion
(Source: Parade)
Number of slots occupied on the current Billboard Top 40 Albums chart by either Whitney Houston or The Monkees: 8
Percent chance that tomorrow is another day: 100%
(Source: Scarlett O'Hara)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy National Puppy Day!!!
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CHEERS to the right president saying the right thing at the right time. It's pretty obvious by now that what incompetent Sanford, Florida officials called an "act of self defense" by Dickwad Zimmerman was really a cold-blooded and racially-motivated "act of murder." As federal officials swoop in to take over the investigation (because Florida's stupid "stand your ground" law is apparently hindering state and local officials from getting their act together), President Obama weighed in today:
"I can only imagine what these parents are going through. And when I think about this boy, I think about my own kids. And I think every parent in America should be able to understand why it is absolutely imperative that we investigate every aspect of this and that everybody pulls together, federal state and local to figure out exactly how this tragedy happened. … My main message is to the parents of Trayvon Martin. You know, if I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon. And I think they are right to expect that all of us as Americans are going to take this with the seriousness it deserves and that we'll get to the bottom of exactly what happened."
Unfortunately, we know how at least part of this story ends: the people who most need to learn from it
won’t learn from it. Lather, rinse repeat…and hope our future space-invader overlords bring some sense with 'em.
JEERS to the #1 hysterically-overhyped story in the history of the universe:
Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today! Hunger Games opened today....!!!
For the future record: Hunger Games mania bored me silly before being bored silly by Hunger Games mania was cool.
P.S. Hunger Games Hunger Games!!!
CHEERS signin' significant stuff. Two years ago today, and one letter at a time, President Barack Obama signed the Affordable Care Act into law, fulfilling a promise he coincidentally made five years ago today:
[W]e recognize that every four years we hear somebody’s got a health care plan. Every four years, somebody trots out a white paper---they post it on the web. But the question we have to challenge ourselves: Do we have the political will and the sense of urgency to actually get it done? I want to be held accountable for getting it done. I will judge my first term as president based on the fact on whether we have delivered the kind of health care that every American deserves and that our system can afford.
We deserved a better bill than the one we got (even Obama agrees with that), but the foundation is there along with a basic framework that, lawsuits be damned, is being built out day by day. Meanwhile, also two years ago today Vice President Joe Biden used the F-word to describe the bill, which will benefit millions of Americans:
"This is a big fuckin' deal!" If memory serves, Dick Cheney used the F-word once to lash out in anger at an esteemed colleague on the Senate floor:
"Fuck yourself." Difference between Democrats and Republicans right there.
CHEERS and JEERS to making cents (and also losing them). Being a world-renowned fauxconomist, I know that my opinion can have an overly-influential, um, influence on the fiduciary proceedings of the global markets and pork belly futures. So I'll simply stay neutral and recap the week in economics with some traditional-media headlines. Caution---whiplash ahead:
Home sales add up to best winter in five years
Housing permits rise with builder optimism
Oil prices drop as Saudis pledge to boost output
Government: 3.1 million Americans now work in green jobs
T-Mobile to lay of 1,900 jobs
Office fires fourteen workers for wearing orange shirts
Ireland ended last year in recession…dealing a blow to the policy of economic austerity
U.S. picks public health expert for World Bank job
US Airways said to discuss takeover of American Airlines
American Airlines wants to toss union contracts
Average income tax refund so far: $3,000
On the dinner plat tonight: chicken and rice slathered in irrational exuberance.
CHEERS to those meddling maple leafers. On tomorrow's date in 1837---78 years before our Supreme Court finally cleared an unobstructed path to the voting booth---the ever-sensible Canadians gave blacks the right to vote. During the next century they would beat us by two years in letting the womenfolk cast ballots. But when it comes to putting idiots on the ballot, we clean their clock. Stick that in a can 'o Molson and sit on it, eh.
JEERS to oil, oil everywhere. Twenty-three years ago tomorrow, at 12:04am on March 24, 1989, as sugar plums danced in Captain Joseph Hazelwood's head, his loaded oil tanker, the Exxon Valdez, ran aground on Bligh Reef and spilled 11.3 million gallons of crude all over Prince William Sound. Thousands of gallons still remain, and it's still killing animals. As for the ship, I read today that an Indian company bought it and plans to dismantle it for scrap. A pity. It should be permanently parked in front of ExxonMobil headquarters.
P.S. Thank god we have much safer nuclear power to rely on. It'll save us!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Of course: Ma Nature gives us summer-in-spring weather during the workweek and returns us to winter-in-spring weather for the weekend. Thus we bow to the whims of the weekend teevee: On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with NYT columnist Charles Blow, Portlandia (great series!) star Fred Armisen, hard-truth teller Glenn Greenwald, conservalib Andrew Sullivan and political science professor Wendy Schiller. NCAA March madness continues (women's bracket here, men's bracket here). New DVD releases include The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Muppets and Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy (Full list at AICN). On 60 Minutes: tennis star Novak Djokovic and a man freed after 25 years of wrongful imprisonment. Oh, and Mad Men premieres Sunday at 9 on AMC. It's about chauvinistic, opportunistic, ethically-challenged rich white guys teetering on the brink of failure in the 1960s. Or, as they're called today: Republicans in the 2000s.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. See if you can spot the trend:
Meet the Press: David Plouffe issues the latest White House talking points; Rachel Maddow on her new book, Drift; roundtable with MT Gov. Brian Schweitzer, Fmr. MS Governor Haley Barbour, NAACP head Ben Jealous, David Brooks and Doris Kearns Goodwin.
This Week: David Plouffe clarifies the White House talking points he made on Meet the Press; Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Hasbeenville); roundtable with George Will, Cokie Roberts, Donna Brazile, Matthew Dowd, and Terry Moran.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: David Plouffe clarifies the clarification he made on This Week about the White House talking points he made on Meet the Press; Rep. Paul Ryan on his screw-the-poor budget; roundtable with Kirsten Powers, Paul Gigot, Brit Hume and Juan Williams.
CNN's State of the Union: David Plouffe starts from scratch and repeats whatever he said on Meet the Press; Florida Gov. Rick Scott; Republican fusspot Senator Lindsay Graham; roundtable with Time's Mike Duffy and USA Today's Susan Page.
Bill Moyers & Company (Link): Andrew Bacevich explores the futility of “endless” wars, and the reality behind American Exceptionalism; the awfulness of the Ryan budget; David Plouffe shouts out White House talking points after lashing himself to the lighting grid above Bill's desk. The tech crew gets him down by poking him with a mop.
Washington Week: Pierre Thomas of ABC News on the Justice Department probe of the Trayvon Martin shooting; Dan Balz of The Washington Post and Sam Youngman of Reuters on Etch-A-SketchGate; Naftali Bendavid of The Wall Street Journal on the Ryan save-the-rich budget; David Plouffe walks on the set disguised as a pizza delivery dude and delivers White House talking points instead.
Face the Nation: David Plouffe cancels his appearance shortly before checking himself into a clinic for White House talking point addiction; Rick Santorum displays full frontal Etch-A-Sketch; Sen. Chuck Schumer hopefully draws some blood, but don't hold your breath; Paul Ryan blathers on as Bob Schieffer strokes his, er, chin approvingly.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: March 23, 2007
CHEERS to the Maines event. I never liked the Dixie Chicks' music much because Natalie's voice tends to have the same effect on my eardrums as an ice pick. But after seeing the group's artistry and courage by taking on the country music industry in the movie Shut Up and Sing over the weekend, I downloaded Not Ready to Make Nice and a couple other tunes, and I'm warming up to 'em. For the record, I'm not embarrassed George Bush is from Texas. From America? Yes.
CHEERS to orange-tinted milestones. Ding Ding Ding!! Kossack #120,000 registered this week, officially giving DailyKos the ability to invade any medium-sized country (assuming it's very poorly armed). Meanwhile the latest registrant (#120,040) is "Public Citizen." Here's yer Swiffer. Get busy. [3/23/12 Update: Today there are over 337,850 registered Kossacks. Resistance is futile.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to San Francisco liberals. We're not going to be around Monday, but we'd be shirking our duties if we didn’t give a C&J shoutout (and blessings on her camels) to former and future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who turns 72 on the 26th. The contrast between her leadership and that of her tobacco-stained successor is more stunning than I could've imagined. John Boehner promised jobs jobs jobs, but is delivering a brass-knuckle sucker-punch to women, children, minorities, the poor and the middle class. Hell, he's been such a weak leader that his tea party wing has no fear of blowing his cigarette smoke right back into his weepy eyes. Pathetic. He sure missed his calling as a traveling Humphrey Bogart impersonator. But anyway…
Pelosi promised robust legislation that would benefit the Americans who needed it most (Hint: the 99%), and did she ever deliver. So a toast: "To Nancy Pelosi on her Monday birthday, and to her looking-fairly-likely return to the Speaker's chair…
[GlugGlugGlugGlugGlug]
[Braaapp!!!]
Oh my. 'Scuse me. Freedom belch.
Enjoy your first weekend of spring. Dress appropriately. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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