Unable to deny the petroglyphs on the wall, Struthiomimus Santorum, considered by some to be the only true challenger to Brontosaurus Romneii, has "suspended" his quest for the paleo-presidency.
In a speech set in the Pennsylvanian hills of his ancestors, S. santorum today took the first of many steps from Right-wing hero to the fossil fuel of tomorrow. Now at least, when history records his campaign, he can at least be credited with adding some BTU value to the proceedings.
Facing almost certain extinction in his home-state primary, this pre-emptive move allows S. santorum to avoid the "loser" tag while regrouping/mutating for a possible return to the political scene.
As expected, the socially-challenged B. romneii waited a mere nanosecond after the announcement to shake down S. santorum for an endorsement. To his credit, S. santorum refused to capitulate, no doubt infuriating the presumptive and presumptuous nominee, who simply cannot command the respect of anyone other than his paid lackeys, and even they have their doubts.
Well, as we say in the Cretaceous, "tough coprolites". Speaking of which, follow along below the orange coprolite for more...
In the wake of the announcement, weary Baggasaurs, already reeling from the loss of their previous darling, Griftasaurus palinii and Gropasaurus hermanii, must face the fact that the hefty hadrosaurus lady has sung, and that it may truly be Over.
Like the rest of us, they must ratchet their expectations down, down, and down again to embrace [ecchh] the soul-less B. romneii. Some, of course, will simply opt out of the process, hunkering down in their Glen-Beck-gear-filled bunkers awaiting either the Rapture or the end of Obamasaurus Rex's second term. Others will wait in vain for another savior in the form of Libertariasaurus paulii making a third-party run. Well, at his septuagenarian age, perhaps that would be more of a shuffle.
Paleo-pundits, however, discount this possibility, as the evidence suggests that the elder paulii was simply shilling for son Rand who was not named for Cruellasaurus aynrandii, the reptilian proto-patron saint of heartlessness and inspiration to cold-blooded GOPasaurs and self-important college students everywhere.
Whatever the plans laid out in those smoke-filled caves, it appears far more likely that B. romneii will select Wisconsonian Slashasaurus ryanii, the more likely love child of C. aynrandii (if love can ever have entered the picture). This young carnivore has his beady eyes set on the evisceration of Life as We Know It through draconian budgetary plans that throw everyone, including his own clan members, under the [fossil-fueled] bus.
Other possibilities in the veepstakes include: Cubanasaurus rubio, who would bring with him the Okeefenokeean territories along with his personal baggage; and Carolinasaurus nikkihaleyii, gateway to the one-issue gender-based voters too witless to see that the GOPasaurs want to return them to Precambrian times.
Some have suggested that a running mate with foreign policy experience, such as Bush administration relic Condaleezasaurus riceii, would add some cave-cred to the ticket, with the added plus of brown coloration and female gender. GOPasaur also-ran [briefly] Paulentasaurus timii has also been mentioned, along with other cautious Caucasiosaurs.
As we await the developments in this saurian saga, one thing is certain. The ever-opportunistic scavenger Stegasaurus newtii sees S. santorum's extinction as a net positive, and has invited bereaved supporters to lumber over to his web site, where they can rally behind this much-mated Mesozoic mesomorph.
One glimpse of the uber-Botoxed Callistasaurus tiffanii will probably deter those who are not put off by S. newtii's extramarital excursions and elitist proclamations. After all, S. santorum evoked in his followers the same sense of homophobia, self-loathing, paranoia, and sanctimony that he strove to exemplify on the campaign trail. Those values are at odds with the open marriage-craving, intellectual elitist, narcissistic tendencies of S. newtii.
So for now, the bereft Baggasaurs must slink back to the primordial ooze and regroup, hoping that one of their heroes will save the day. Perhaps G. palinii, tanned and rested, could jump back in front of the paleo-parade, exciting the basest part of the base before once again quitting.
What's more likely is that the already unbearable B. romneii, buoyed by his now-assured ascendency without fear of the the Mesozoic melee that awaited him in the miasmic swamps of Tampa, will become even more insufferable. No. Really.
S. Newtii and L. paulii will become footnotes in the fossil record, and B. romneii will focus his sight on Obamasaurus Rex. Darwin awaits with bated breath the outcome of this clash of the titans. The rest of us... Mesozoic meh.