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My life is coming apart at the seams. A combination of depression, bad decisions, and other circumstances not the least of which has been acting as caregiver for an HIV+, transgender, schizzophrenic crack and cough medicine addict, are likely to leave me jobless and homeless within a month. I always figured in the back of my head that I had two fall back options if worse came to absolute worst. I just this morning found out that both are off the table.

Back up one was to go stay with my dearest friend Betty in Iron River, MI. She'd told me many times I would always be welcome. I couldn't find where I'd written her number so searched on the Internet to find it. I found that she died last June. So more than not having that back up option I've lost one the very best friends anyone could ever have. I don't even have her to talk to. I loved her so much.

Back up two was to go back to Canton, IL and stay with my parents until I could get it back together. I asked my mom about it last Friday. My dad called me back this morning to tell me no. Mostly it has to do with his belief that I can make it through this without them. Everything I shared as challenges that have led to my predicament he labels as just excuses. He has persevered so there's no reason I shouldn't. Oh, and he said it he does have a problem with my sexual orientation.  

I have every intention of plowing forward, trying to make something work, but I'm keenly aware that it's a tough market out there for an overweight white guy pushing 50, missing two front teeth and a big assed, golfball-sizes cyst on my cheek bone. I'm terrified.

I don't know if I should stay in DC or try to get closer to Detroit where Kossack Horace is trying to get an intentional community off the ground. I'm not even sure the Kossack Commune idea will ever get off the ground. I just don't know what to do. I've got a couple thousand bucks to work with to come up with a plan, but that means if I move I have to have a dirt cheap place to live, but who's gonna rent to someone without a job? And finding a job in a new area would be easier, perhpas only possible, while being in that new area. And I don't have a car.

I'm writing this in hopes it'll make me feel at least a little better for having expressed myself.

Originally posted to JTinDC on Sun Apr 22, 2012 at 09:07 AM PDT.

Also republished by Kossack Commune.

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