I thought as good as all of you have been to me, you deserved an update.
I am happy to report that I am doing much better compared to where I was a little over two months ago, not that I have recovered from such a horrific memory but I am dealing with it much better. I still think of Jim all through the day, I can feel his presence still, I cherish the many things he has made for me over the years. I frequently look at pictures, read cards and letters and I have many, many letters he wrote to me over the course of 23 years. I spend a lot of time in the bedroom and it does not bother me. I feel closest to him in this room. I still have flashbacks of that awful day in February, I still don't sleep well. Upon waking, I instantly look to his side of the bed,
Therapy and Zoloft have worked miracles for me. I absolutely adore my therapist. She is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. She gives me free reign and I let it ALL out! I have to thank Nurse Kelley and Vetwife for being there for me also. They have been very supportive, loving and caring. I called Kelley on one of my bad days and I know she just sat there holding the phone listening to me ball my eyes out. I have another lady, and I can't remember at this very moment the name she goes by, but her real name is Jo and we are email buddies and I pour my heart out to her. I talked to Bud just the other day when I was having a bad day and he has been a great inspiration to me as well. I wish that I could get to know more of you on a personal basis but know that I love you all. I am still mailing thank you cards, if you haven't gotten yours yet you will. This is when I get really emotional trying to write these cards because I never thought I'd see the day I would be thanking people for what they did for me when my husband took his own life. But I promise to get to you, just give me a little time. I want those I can to personally thank them with a card in my own handwriting and hopefully you will feel it from my heart.
While I am better in this area, it is with deep sorrow that I tell you I am losing my grandson. The father has filed for full custody. I have not told anyone, no not even you Nurse Kelley but to hire an attorney for a child custody case, I have been given quotes of 6, 7 $10,000 and we just do not have that kind of money. Legal Aid in our state only takes cases which DCS is involved. I have been relentless calling attorney's asking them to take it pro-bono but the attorney's I've spoken with thus far say they have already met their quota on pro-bono cases for the year which really pisses me off as this is just May, do they not think someone will come along during the rest of the year needing help? I am devastated. My daughter is so depressed, having not so good thoughts, I worry so about her. I lost the love of my life, my inlaws and now I'm losing the second love of my life. He is my world. He brightens my days. Jim said in his suicide note that Darien would never live at this address again and he needed him, how he kept him going. Jim and my grandson, Darien were very close. He was Jim's shadow. Jim was a intelligent man and he knew what he was saying at the time. His father's attorney conned my daughter into a parenting plan for supposedly 3 months and he has the highest paid attorney in our town and she told her if she did not sign the parenting plan she would lose Darien anyway. Not having an attorney and being terrified of losing her son, she signed the papers. He has had him since January 29th and was suppose to be returned April 29th. I can't say on here my feelings for this man. Sunday when we were trying to get Darien ready, we told him his dad was on the way, he said "no I don't want to go, I wanna stay with Mommy". My daughter and I both burst into tears. All I can do is keep praying and I would like to ask that you keep us in your prayers also and keep calling attorney's and hope I can find one who has a heart and hasn't met their quota yet. I don't know if I believe them when they tell me that because I know greed enters into it and it is going to be time consuming. Daryl, the father knows our every move thanks to the Lynnville Chief of Police whom I placed a complaint on him and we know nothing about what day care, who keeps Darien on the weekends he works, what kind of place he lives in, does he have a woman living with him. We know nothing and cannot find out anything without an attorney. We do know he has become an alcoholic, his whole family is. We also know that it is possible that he still suffers from PTSD as result of serving in Desert Storm. When he came home, doctors declared him mentally insane. Christina saw those papers. Life is so unfair.
Just please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I will all of you.
Love,Peace,Hope & Prayers, Tricia