With apologies and thanks to Hunter S. Thompson...
Unemployed? Looking for a new profession? Do you find black and brown people scary? Does the gay couple across the street scare the breath out of you? Do you think Jesus rode a dinosaur? Can you speak at a 7th grade level? Do you hate everything that Rush Limbaugh hates? Then you're qualified to become a Republican© Politician!
Yes, friend, the two things you need to make it as a modern day Republican© Politician are Fear and Loathing—and you're qualified! With these two steadfast friends at your side, you too can succeed in the exciting and lucrative field of Republican© Electoral Politics!
Follow me below the fold and I'll show you how to put Fear and Loathing to work for you in your new career as a Republican© Politician!
Smilin' Bob's grin. Not as big as yours will be!
Imagine the looks on your friends' faces when they see you in your new life as a
Republican© Politician! Remember old "Smilin' Bob"? (No, not Bob Dole, that was the other stuff). I mean that guy from those Enzyte commercials for "natural male enhancement"? Your grin will make Smilin' Bob
look like he's one of them little pissin' cherubs on the fountains in Europe!
So, are you interested in becoming a Republican© Politician? Good, then let's get started. We're going to talk about the first pillar of your success as a Republican© Politician.
FEAR
The first thing you need to do to become a Republican© Politician is to remember the most important part of the Republican© Politician's Creed:
Preying on constituents' fears is a lot easier than comin' up with a plan.
That's right friend, everyone has fears. We're all big ol' stew pots full of fears, just waitin' for someone to come along and remind us about 'em. Hell,
we got fears we don't even know we have! And your job as a
Republican© Politician is to stir 'em up real good. And the reason you want to stir 'em up is because, otherwise,
you will have to talk about your plan! And brother, let me tell you, you
DO NOT want that! Here's why:
First of all, the stuff that's goin' on today is really freakin' hard! I mean, come on, you remember algebra class in high school, doncha? Have you ever used any of that stuff? Thank God (the Christian one, thank you very much) for that geek that sat next to you or you would never have passed that class! Lucky for you there was another one in that college calculus course or you woulda been the first president in your fraternity's history to resign because of low GPA! (Apparently you didn't know the standard GOP trick about pretending to like the smart homely girl so she would do your homework).
And second, you don't really NEED a plan, because there's all kinds of really smart Patriots in Corporations all over this Great (Christian) Country of ours—like ALEC—who will bring you plans, FOR FREE, that you can use as your own! And they're really good plans! Like that Tinkle Down Economics stuff and tax cuts for millionaires, which you will become soon after starting your career as a Republican© Politician. This is way better than having to figure out how to cut and glue stuff from that GooGoo thing on the InterTubes machine, like you had to do for your college term papers, because it's already cut and glued for you! And spell checked! And it's way better than having to turn in those copies of old term papers from your fraternity brothers because these are like new papers that no Prof or TA has ever seen! Genius!
Finally, as if that wasn't enough, preying on your constituents' fears leads us right into the second pillar of your success as a Republican© Politician.
LOATHING
If you can prey on your constituents' fears, and if you can convince your constituents that your opponent is solely and uniquely responsible for whatever those fears may be, even if you have to lie to do it, then you can lead your constituents directly into the second part of the Republican© Politician's Creed:
Loathing of my opponent gets me more votes than I can get on my own.
That's right, friend! Votes come more easily
if your constituents hate your opponent. You don't have to possess any socially redeeming qualities as long as you are able to stoke your constituents' fears into a full throated loathing for your opponent! You're a bigoted racist?
No problem! A misogynistic sexist?
Who isn't? A Climate Denier, Creationist, Dominionist? You pulled the wings off flies, you tortured puppies? So what?
Fuggedaboudit! Your constituents will be so busy screaming bloody murder about your opponent that they will never have the time (or breath) to question that Eagle Scout, volunteers-at-soup-kitchens, helps-little-old-ladies-cross-the-street character bullshit you and your handlers made up.
And besides, you know how b-o-r-i-n-g it is to listen to someone go on about how good and honorable someone is or about how some some stupid economic plan will save the world, and how SUPER interesting it is to listen to how someone is a Kenyan Muslim Colonialist Marxist Anti-Christ who hates Amercia and all the Murican Patriots like you! Your campaign will have BUZZ! None of this policy wonk BS for you! All hate, all the time! Just like Rush! Brilliant!
So you see, my friend, like I told you, becoming a Republican© Politician IS as easy as falling down! Just ask Michelle Bachman! Or Sarah Palin! (Good thing they're hot, or we'd send 'em to make sammiches.) Or Joe Walsh. Or Scott Brown. They did it, and you can too!
Remember: Fear and Loathing. Find and exploit the fears, develop and channel the loathing, and then sit back and wait for the gravy train that is...
Republican© Electoral Politics
Brought to you by the "50.1% good people" at Rove Norquist and Lutz Group.
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