It's not you, it's me. I really mean that.
I've struggled on and off with depression and other issues for most of my life, but it's much worse these past several years. I sometimes rage. If some of my diaries sound like the ravings | of | a | madman, it's because they kind of are.
This is an apology diary too. To the community for my last string of comments and last diary, but in particular to Bush Bites. I disagreed with a BB comment and went way overboard in my response to it. My response had very little to do with that comment (or anything rational) and everything to do with my state of mind that morning. All the anger and frustration I have with every part of my life crashing around me spewed in Bush Bites' direction. I'm sorry for that, Bush Bites.
I've had similar blow-ups in an RKBA diary or two, so I also apologize to them for that.
I guess it's pretty bad when this happens online, but having it happen in real life is much worse. Unfortunately, I know this from experience. A big part of why I'm in the position I am now is because of doing it at my last job (nearly 2 years ago) and the job before that.
I don't have any way to get the help I know I need (and the same was true before when I lost jobs because of it - no insurance). But I did find a way to get some Wellbutrin and a semi-stable place to live and I'm working on making some positive changes.
One of the things I've read about those social networking games like Farmville and the various mob games is that people with problems in real life can escape into them in unhealthy ways. They substitute accomplishments (coins or badges or whatever) in these games for real accomplishments and real human contact.
I spend way too much time in one of those games, and even though what happens on this site is vastly more real and important than some virtual fields being plowed somewhere, it's something I'm putting too much focus on. To quote myself in one of the madman ravings linked above: "Mojo is literary crack."
So I will be trying to focus on other things for a while, and trying to put this life back together.