From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Olympic Late Night Snark Sticks the Landing!
"Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today. Except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy."
---Craig Ferguson
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"[Tomorrow] President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch."
---David Letterman
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Clip of Charles Krauthammer on Fox News: I'm not sure why the [Romneys'] horse has to be in the most upper-class, hoity-toity Olympic event ever invented. It's unnecessary. They're running for the presidency!
Stephen Colbert: How dare you, sir! Dressage is not hoity-toity! it's froo-froo! Get your facts straight!
---The Colbert Report
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"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer."
---Conan O'Brien
Four years ago…
"The skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners---it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."
---Craig Ferguson
Weekend ho! Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 3, 2012
Note: Because Sunday is my birthday and I intend to spend it sitting on my birthday ass, you will not have my C&J column to read on Monday. Consider it my gift to you. Back Tuesday with photos of my new liver spot that looks like the Virgin Mary.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Mars Rover Curiosity lands: 3 (Monday at 1:17am ET)
Days 'til the Fiesta Coloniale Italiana in San Francisco: 8
Percent of economists, analysts and think tanks that can make sense of Mitt Romney's tax plan without adding major quantities of "Romney Magic Growth Elixir": 0
(Source: TPM)
Increase in retail sales for July: 4.6%
(Source: Reuters)
Accuracy by which people can recall a visual memory one year later: 50%
Accuracy by which people can recall a scent one year later: 65%
(Source: Parade)
Years, to the day, since "Macarena" started its 14-week reign at #1 on the Billboard pop chart: 16
U.S. Olympic Medal Count: Gold: 18 Silver: 9 Bronze: 10
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NEW! Friday Joe Lieberman Wanker Walk Countdown:
Joe Lieberman will end his Senate reign of error in 165 days.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I know your time is valuable so I'll be brief: Corgi Cam.
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CHEERS to the Old Man:
Mr. and Mrs. Barack H. Obama
6085 Kalanianaole Hwy., son, Aug. 4
---Honolulu Advertiser, 1961
The distant and aloof President crushes
a child's skull in Orlando on August 2.
Remember during the '08 campaign when the traditional media tried spinning the line that Obama was too young and wet-behind-the-huge-ears to be president? I chuckled, knowing that his accomplished POTUSmates in the 40-something club
include Teddy Roosevelt, James K. Polk, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. (Pay no attention to the inept Franklin Pierce behind the curtain.) Besides, a quick check of the highlights of his birth year, 1961, is enough to make your bones feel a bit creaky:
> None of the James Bond movies had been released; West Side Story won the Oscar for Best Picture
> John F. Kennedy was sworn in as the 35th president---Obama is #44
> The Dow Jones Industrials reached a high of...734!!!
> Median price of a new home: $17,200
> Harper Lee won a Pulitzer for To Kill A Mockingbird
> Elvis's "Blue Hawaii" started its 20-week run at the top of the charts.
> The price of a gallon of gas was 31 cents.
Certain policy and strategy differences aside, I really like the ever-optimistic Obama, and I'm ready to be adopted as soon as the First Family submits the paperwork. So Happy 51st Birthday, Mr. President…and many blessings on your camels.
Damn. Bush really, really sucked.
CHEERS and
JEERS to red meat for both bases. The July employment numbers
came out today. Our side will proclaim, "163 thousand new jobs! This is better than the experts' predictions!" The other side will snarl, "Unemployment rose to 8.3 percent! This is terrible!" We're right. They're right. Kum by frickin' Yah.
JEERS to testosterone gone wild. As I was watching Olympic coverage and listening to the male commentators blather on, I got to thinking. At the original Olympic games in 776 BC women were banned, and those who snuck in to watch were thrown off a cliff by men. In 1936, evil man Adolf Hitler refused to shake Jesse Owens' hand. In 1972 the terrorists who killed 8 athletes were men. Jimmy Carter, a man, wouldn't let us compete in the 1980 summer games in Moscow. In 2004, security personnel outnumbered athletes 7-to-1 in Athens because of threats from men with bombs. And in 2008 competitors were subjected to man-made pollution. Ladies, how do you put up with us?
CHEERS to must-see TV. Normally a Friday news dump is something that the dumper wants to sweep under the carpet. But I don’t think that'll be the case tonight on The Rachel Maddow Show, based on last night's preview:
"Hey! You can't load that tax shelter here!
I'm running for office, for Pete's sake!"
The matter of what is in Mr. Romney's tax returns, and what he says is in his tax returns, turned into a white hot political fight today. We have found some tape in the archives that may take this fight in a whole new direction… We've got incredible tape tomorrow night.
My guess: he shuttles his money between tax shelters…
in Rafalca's belly!!! (And until he proves otherwise, it's true and shame on him!)
CHEERS to my August 5 birthday posse. Neil Armstrong. Director John Huston. Loni Anderson. Patrick Ewing. The Elephant Man. Kossacks "Simple," "dmb0857," "stlsophos" and "LeoDaLion." After we swarm Denny's for our birthday discount (48 percent for me, so gimme a Bacon Slam, a Sausage Slam, a Ham Slam and a Lipitor sundae!), we intend to spend the weekend stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. We've got the perfect lure: a credit default swap attached to a fish hook.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you're one of the six people on the planet who won’t be at the Mumford & Sons concert here on Portland's Eastern Promenade tomorrow (seriously---it's, like, a massively huge deal here), here are some stuffs on the TVs. All things Olympian are here at the NBC site. The big DVD release this week is the TV movie Hatfields & McCoys, which got great reviews and a saddlebag full of Emmy nominations. Or you can check out Harry's updated DVD list at AICN. Your MLB schedule is here. (Ten years from now the Red Sox will retroactively win the World Series, so the rest of you should just give up). On 60 Minutes: encores of their segments on face blindness and sugar toxicity. Oh, and Sunday night's episode of The Newsroom takes place the night Obama and Seal Team 6 nabbed Osama bin Laden. (Spoiler Alert: Tension!)
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Due to the Olympics, David Gregory will
not appear on 'Meet the Press' Sunday
Meet the Press: Olympics coverage, but I'm sure John McCain will squeeze in an appearance somehow.
This Week: Watching RNC chair Rience Priebus debate DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz is like watching Major Burns debate Major Houlihan. ("But Margaret, I…" "Oh, stuff it in your barracks bag, Frank!") Plus roundtable with Van Jones, Ann Coulter, George Will, Jonathan Karl and auto advisor Steven Rattner.
Face the Nation: Governorpalooza! Ed Rendell of Pennsylvania, Ted Strickland of Ohio, Bob McDonnell of Virginia and Rep. Diaz-Balart (R-FL), who is, in fact, not a governor but I guess Rick Scott is too much of a coward to show up. Plus: Michael Crowley of Time, Bloomberg's Julianna Goldman, CBS News' Nancy Cordes and Jan Crawford on the campaigns; also Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, whose interview got bumped last week due to---Bob Schieffer's words---"all the news."
Bill Moyers & Company (link): Keesha Gaskins and Michael Waldman of the Brennan Center for Justice on the bullshit masquerading as voter fraud-prevention laws and how they could keep millions of citizens from voting.
Washington Week: Obama-Romney campaign fever with Amy Walter of ABC News; Tea party madness with Karen Tumulty of the WaPo; David Wessel of The Wall Street Journal on America's employment sickness; Susan Davis of USA Today on Congress's (read: GOP's) chronic do-nothingism.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: David Axelrod; Ted Cruz, the tea party candidate who crushed the Lt. Gov. in the Texas GOP Senate primary; roundtable with Joe Trippi, Kimberly Strassel, Ed Rollins and Kirsten Powers.
Happy viewing!
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Six years ago in C&J: August 3, 2006
CHEERS to Christmas in America? Unless Iraqi president Talabani is talking out of his butt, Iraqi forces are expected to take over security of the country by the end of 2006. Oh wait...we played back the tape. He was talking out of his butt.
JEERS to eating lunch outside in Cleveland on Monday. Some conservative religious nuts plan to fly a plane around the city while towing a giant banner with a picture of an aborted fetus on it. I think it's the first time in history that people on the ground will be the ones needing air-sickness bags.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the birth of a legend. And here we are. Afghanistan? Clusterfuck. Economy? Clusterfuck. Energy policy, immigration reform, unemployment, personal income, retirement plans? Cluster-you-know-what. Well, I have something to snap us out of them clusterfuck blues. Thanks to wayback-machine technology, we take you to August 3, 2006, when life was simple, cherub-faced children played stickball in the streets, and Daddy came home to find his slippers, pipe, newspaper and supper waiting for him as the aroma of jasmine wafted on the warm summer breeze. Oh, and this was at the top of the DKos charts:
ErrinF?
(Artist's rendering)
Since I can't delete my account myself, my only recourse is to be as abrasive and disruptive as I can be UNTIL MY ACCOUNT GETS DELETED. As long as my account remains here, I do not feel comfortable leaving. Is it really such a tough request to delete my account so I can go? Just what kind of website lets you join up but won't let you leave? One that regards people as little more than statistics, that's what. How like the Democratic Party for Kos to view his site's members as little more than statistics.
DELETE MY FUCKING ACCOUNT, KOS.
And, for a brief moment, unicorns romp once again in the Fields of Orange.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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