Yet, I find it hard to articulate why. The remarks by Rep Todd Akin have brought things to the surface I would rather not think about. If anyone reads this and is easily triggered they might want to stop right here even though this event didn't result in penetration.
I was 9 years old at the time. It was the early 70's. My sister was 7 years old. One of my mother's relatives, came over her name was Robin, I think she was a second cousin, I never really paid attention to the exact relationship, truth be told at the time I thought she was just a friend of the family. She had 2 children they were 3 years old, the girl, and 18 mos old, the boy. It was somewhat late past dark and I believe it was around September so probably around 7 pm. Robin wanted my sister and I to babysit. I didn't think this was strange. My mother should have since Robin reassured her that she would have her brother come over to "supervise". He was 18.
So my mother gave her permission and we were off to Robin's house. It was about 2 miles down the road from my parents house. There was a cornfield in the back butting up to the back yard. There were probably around 20 houses between Robin's house and my parents. They had a small tv and my sister and I sat down and watched tv while Robing got ready to go out. It didn't take long and she returned shortly with her brother. My sister and I basically ignored him, but it wasn't long before he was asking me to have sex with him. I repeatedly told him no. I walked around him and went back into the living room. So he sat by my sister and I didn't like the way he was acting. I left, I don't really know why. But, he followed me. He asked a couple more times and I told him I had to check on the babies. He seemed to be pestering my sister when I came back.
So, this went on for quite a while. I would run to the kitchen he would follow. I would go to the dining room he would follow. All the while talking about having sex. He said I should really try it because I would like it. Finally, I had enough and I left the house. I didn't get far maybe 20 feet, not even as far as the cornfield and I panicked. I ran back to the house. I went into the living room. My sister was laying down on the couch asleep. He was sitting beside her trying to wake her up. I picked up a baseball bat and threatened him with it. The only thing I remember about that exact moment is that I truly meant that I would knock his head off of his shoulders if he didn't leave my sister alone. By this time my sister was awake and I told her to put on her shoes we were going to walk home. I held on to the bat, until we got to the end of the driveway. Then I left it on the edge of the property. My sister and I walked home in the dark, there were few street lights in this rural area. It was thankfully a full moon so we could see the road, but just barely. I worried that we would be followed. But, we made it home without further incident.
I don't even remember if this was the next day or if it was several days later. But, my mother told me is that after my sister and I left Robin's brother had raped her children. They both required hospital attention. The boy was nearly raped to death. She said the girl might end up not being able to get pregnant when she grows up. I don't know if my mother was trying to blame me and my sister for leaving, but this is the impression that I got. I don't remember telling her what happened and I don't know if I did. I feel like I did. There are a lot of fuzzy memories around this incident. Like what compelled me to run in the house. I remember the panic but not the thoughts behind it. I can remember some of the exact words this guy said to me to try to persuade me to have sex with him. I remember feeling violated and dirty even though he only got a hold of me once and I shook him off. I remember feeling very sick and feeling sick for years after this. Mostly I remember feeling guilty that two children were raped because I left them with a rapist. I felt like I should have known that he was going to rape them since he was pestering me for sex then attempting to rape my sister in a barely awake state.
I have struggled with anger issues, trust issues, insomnia,nightmares, guilt, remorse, and a host of other problems since this time. I don't know if this is the only traumatic thing that happened to me as a child, I have a lot of memory holes. I feel like I am whining to much and wallowing over something that happened decades ago. But, when other women talk about rape and incidents like the one I went through I can feel rage just barely under the surface sometimes not so under the surface. I get really angry. I can't express here how angry. I won't say that this was a life defining event. But, it was an event that really screwed me up for a long time. I continue to be distrustful of people, but that is quite likely because of subsequent events. Like what happened to my sisters in foster care, which is a whole nuther thing.
I sincerely hope the voters of Missouri, send Akin back under his rock and that this issue sends a whole slew of the rape apologists out of the House. We don't need this kind in leadership positions. We don't need them telling us what a legitimate rape is or what ever the F*** they mean by that, I don't know. We don't need them saying women lie about rape. We don't need them making the world hostile towards victims. We don't need them implying women ask for it, or girls much younger than puberty ask for it. They are a bunch of lying no good sick scum bags and it makes me sick that they have a political party that supports there pro-rape agenda.