The modern day "yelling FIRE! in a crowded theater" is "yelling GLUTEN! in a crowded Whole Foods."
To prevent identity theft, burn all your documents and clothing, then hide in the woods.
I have found that herbal remedies only kick in after I take a few Advil.
Maybe Facebook stock is trying to win a limbo contest.
I might go make a "deposit" in a sperm bank because I don't have any money to put in a real bank, and I really want a lollipop.
I can't figure out why the priest got so mad about me calling at 2am to ask if it's a sin to steal Pop-Tarts.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
Emotions are like Bacon Cheese Fries. I'm not interested in sharing mine, and we're just not close enough for me to go digging into yours.
Kirk Cameron defends Todd Akin. Mike Seaver is no friend of the beaver.