From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
It's time once again to play History: Cruel...or Kind?
Round 1
The Romney campaign claims in heavy-rotation ads that President Obama is loosening welfare rules so that recipients [read: black people] no longer have to prove that they're actively seeking employment before they receive their benefits.
History will be cruel because...he's not and they do. If you don’t believe me, go ask the Republican governors who got on their hands and knees and begged the president to agree to this reform, which was their idea.
History will be kind because...everybody knows that blacks are lazy people who sit around fanning themselves with their food stamps on the front porch all day. And by "everybody" I of course mean the chunk of the white Republican base who also thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, Hawaii is located in Africa, breastfeeding from the left nipple turns babies gay, and Romney's ad is truthful and SHOCKING!
Verdict: History will be CRUEL. Especially after President Obama holds a press event in the Rose Garden and, as an aide holds up a giant poster with the names and faces of the Republican governors who support the measure, says: "If anyone has a problem with it, talk to these Republicans. They asked me to do it and, in the spirit of innovation and bipartisanship, I agreed. If the Republican nominee for president wants to throw these folks under the bus, that's a strange way of unifying your party." Then as a flourish, he releases the kraken.
Round 2
Maine Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe publicly criticize their party for taking the most restrictive and extreme position on the issue of abortion and writing it into the party platform.
History will be cruel because...the only place Collins and Snowe (who's leaving the Senate in January) are allowed to sit in the modern Republican party is on the back bench marked "Liberal Hippies Who Are So Dumb They Don’t Even Know The Difference Between Fake Rape And Legitimate Rape."
History will be kind because...at least they're making some noise about it, if really really really late. It'll at least warrant a brief mention in their bios on Wikipedia.
Verdict: History will be KIND. But not nearly as kind as it might've been if they'd summoned the courage to speak up sooner. As Maine's senators go, so goes the tortoise.
Round 3
Mitt Romney attempts to crack a joke.
History will be kind because...Mitt Romney attempted to crack a joke.
History will be cruel because...Mitt Romney attempted to crack a joke.
Verdict: History will be CRUEL. Mitt Romney should not attempt to crack a joke.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Note: Last night, in honor of Neil Armstrong, I winked at the moon. Then I winked at it again. And again and again. It gave me an idea. Eyelidaerobics. Look for the full program next week on full-length audiocassettes at Target. And feel the burn.
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Hands...[Whap!Whap!Whap!]...Off!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Season 3 premiere of
Boardwalk Empire:
18
Days 'til the 4th annual
Exeter UFO Festival in New Hampshire:
3
Percent of Americans who say they'd prefer to raise taxes to shore up Social Security:
53% (including 65% of Democrats)
(Source: AP-GfK poll)
Percent of income that went to the middle class and upper class, respectively, in 1970:
62%, 29%
Percent of income that went to the middle class and upper class, respectively, in 2010:
45%, 46%
(Source: Census Bureau/Federal Reserve)
Percent chance that Tampa is the "death metal capital" of America:
100%
(Source: Rachel Maddow)
Average mpg that new cars and trucks will have to get by 2025 under new rules finalized yesterday by the Obama administration:
54.5
(Source: AP)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 5 Food Supplies and 1 family-friendly last supper). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Chris Christie's convention speech as interpreted by harrumph Puppy.
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JEERS to Day 1. Seven years ago today, as George Bush displayed a lovely birthday cake he'd baked for John McCain, a swirling category-3 fetus was terrorizing abortion clinics in New Orleans. FEMA head Michael Brown, drawing on his vast experience in disaster management as former head of the Arabian Horse Association legal department, responded swiftly and surely:
August 29, 2005, moments before
Michael Brown jumped out
On August 29, the day of the storm, Brown exchanged e-mails about his attire with [FEMA's deputy director of public affairs Cindy] Taylor, [Rep. Charlie] Melancon said. She told him, "You look fabulous," and Brown replied, "I got it at Nordstroms. ... Are you proud of me?" An hour later, Brown added: "If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire, you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god."
Say it with me, for old time's sake: "Heckuva job, Brownie." Meanwhile,
Hurricane Isaac is drenching New Orleans, prompting renewed fears of mayhem and chaos. Although this time they're referring to the storm, not the federal response.
P.S. I've been assured by the major energy companies with active wells in the Gulf that they're prepared to deal with any oil spills using state-of-the-art booming technology from the 1970s. Excellent. I was beginning to worry they might not have invested enough in R&D.
Christie's message last night:
"Vote for me in 2016!"
CHEERS to Point & Laugh, Day One. After Ron Paul's army got flattened by Mitt Romney's dissent-squishing steamroller yesterday afternoon, it was
On With The Show! A series of Republican speakers
marched up to the lectern last night and promptly beamed a clear message directly into America's living rooms: the years 2001 to 2009 never happened and President Obama is deliberately destroying the America he hates while giving black people free welfare checks and isn’t it shameful! Ann Romney's attempt to humanize her husband ended up being the equivilent of putting a toupee on C3PO. And New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave a great speech for the nominee, if by nominee you mean
Chris Christie in 2016. Oh, and one more bit of news from last night: the elderly attendee who sought treatment in the emergency bake sale tent after suffering chest pains raised enough money to buy a few shots of defibrillation to get him back on his feet. And now get ready for.....
CHEERS to Point & Laugh, Day Two. Since so many of you found yesterday's GOP convention line-up summary helpful, I've taken it upon myself to do the same for today:
Obstructionist, Birther, Teabagger, Birther, Turtle Man, Teabagger Who Scoffs At The Civil Rights Act of 1964, Token Woman, 2008 Loser, Gilligan's Evil Twin, Square Jaw Senator Guy (SD), Senator Dammit I'm Not The VP Nominee (OH), Token Virgin Islander, Former Governor Dammit I'm Not The VP Nominee (MN), Todd Akin's Fiercest Advocate Mike Huckabee, Former National Security Advisor Condi "Bin Laden Determined To Strike In U.S." Rice, Token Hispanic, VP Nominee Paul Ayn Todd Akin Rand Ryan.
Oh, and the convention disorganizers say they have a secret mystery guest on the prime-time slate for tomorrow night. Our sources say: it's Pokemon.
CHEERS to the wild wild west (assuming Mars is west of here, hell I dunno). The rover "Curiosity" is busy ramblin' and amblin' around the surface of the fourth planet from the sun. Enjoy this pic as you read this other cool thing:
"Someday, kid, all this will be yours!"
For the first time in history, a recorded song has been beamed back to Earth from another planet. Students, special guests and news media gathered at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., today to hear "Reach for the Stars" by musician will.i.am after it was transmitted from the surface of Mars by the Curiosity rover.
NASA Associate Administrator for Education and space shuttle astronaut Leland Melvin said, "I can think of no greater way to honor NASA pioneer Neil Armstrong's life and legacy than to inspire today's students to follow his path. That first footprint that Neil placed on the lunar surface left an indelible mark in history. Perhaps one of our students here today or watching on NASA Television will be the first to set foot on the surface of Mars and continue humanity's quest to explore."
Yeah. If the frackers don't get there first.
JEERS to flappin' yer gums. Fifty five years ago today, South Carolina "Dixiecrat" Senator Strom Thurmond ended his over-24-hour filibuster---yeah, a real, honest-to-god talkfest---against the Civil Rights Act of 1957. The good news: the bill passed and Eisenhower signed it. The bad news: Thurmond got his voice back.
CHEERS to themes that never go out of style. Andrew Sullivan found something fascinating this week: a 1912 DNC "ad" that tears into that era's one-percenters:
This film portrays Republican William Howard Taft as a mouthpiece for special interest groups and Woodrow Wilson as a champion of working class citizens aspiring to the ranks of business owners. ... "The over-the-top comic approach of the film suggests that the success of those who already have wealth will somehow trickle down through better wages for workers is a joke," [Trygve Throntveit, US historian and Wilson scholar] said.
To watch it (and you should, if only for the butler in wig and knee stockings),
Just click here and hop in the wayback machine. 100 years later, we're still fighting the same crap. Only now we get screwed in color.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 29, 2007
JEERS to insanity, step-by-step. Step 1) President Bush demands another $50 billion to fund the Iraq war, which is now costing us over $3 billion per week. Step 2) A spokesman for the Democratic leadership says, "It's long past time for giving blank checks to the administration." Step 3) Congress gives a blank check to the administration. Step 4) The Democratic base erupts. Step 5) A spokesman for the Democratic leadership says, "But we had to or we'd be accused of not supporting the troops!" Step 6) Bush demands another $50 billion. (Y'know, I don’t remember dying, but this sure fits my idea of Hell.)
CHEERS to comfort in times of pain. A special message to Mrs. Larry Craig: You're not alone. The Straight Spouse Network can help you adjust to having a toe-tapping husband and figure out what to do next. It's confidential, informative, and many straight spouses consider the organization a lifesaver. I think in Idaho they get together once a month in the UCC church right after the meeting of the Ex-Republican Spouse Network. Be strong. We care.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to famous firsts. Where does the time go??!! Four years ago, I posted my first-ever reference to Sarah Palin:
I really don't want to post photos of
Sarah Palin in C&J. In lieu of that,
please enjoy these fresh radishes.
JEERS to adults who prove every day they're not smarter than a fifth-grader. Steve Doocy of---you guess it---Fox News says Sarah Palin is a fantastic choice for vice president. He thinks she's got the chops she needs to handle foreign affairs because... Um, because...Russia is in her back yard. Which I guess means that if McCain wins, Steve Doocy will be a shoo-in to be appointed Ambassador to Pluto.
To show you how naïve I was then, I thought Doocy's comment was an isolated bit of garden-variety dumbassery. But soon after, the entire Republican machine swung behind the idea that Palin was a national security expert because she could---in the soon-to-be-immortal words of Tina Fey---"see Russia from my house!" It was all downhill from there. She has since gotten crushed in a national election, resigned as governor because "only dead fish go with the flow," had two forgettable books ghost-written for her, starred in a forgettable reality show, taken up residence on the Island of Misfit Fox News Analysts, and embarked on and abandoned bus tours during which she rode on the coattails of publicity generated by others. Adding insult to injury, her presence at the Republican convention this week wasn't requested in any capacity, and her political aspirations have circled the drain and gone "glug." Now I'm counting the hours before Fox News dumps her and she ends up hawking powdered moose antler velvet as an ahrodisiac on HSN. It's a dream. She'll make it happen. Unless she quits. Again.
Have a nice Wednesday. Forward this C&J to five million friends and much fortune luck and good times you will be getting. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
For all of those who have marveled at the Creation Museum, with its dioramas of humans and dinosaurs cavorting together a mere 6,000 years ago, good news. Plans are in the works to build a Cheers and Jeers Hall of Fame just down the road in Northern Kentucky.
---Kent Jones
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