It’s 3 AM September 11, 2013, and the phone rings in the White House. On the phone is the duty officer at our embassy in Tajikistan saying an unruly mob, angered by yet another obscure, childish, and intentionally inflammatory anti-Islam film, has gathered outside the embassy walls and is threatening to scale them and tear down the U.S. flag in protest. Not just that, the duty officer relates, “but they are in the process of spraying graffiti all over the embassy compound walls.”
President Romney, who decided long ago that it’s the Presidents job to personally deal with protests at US embassies is quick to respond :
“I’ve been waiting for this… FIRST-NO APOLOGIES! Do NOT apologize! Got that! Here is what I want you to do, get the ambassador out on top of the compound wall with a bullhorn, to say that we DO NOT apologize. Then have him read them the Bill of Rights, that bit about the US government not being allowed to restrict free speech, and explain that inflammatory insults to anyone’s religion are just fine by us, and that they need to be civilized like we are, not terrorists like they are. And above all NO APOLOGIES! Or anything that even sounds remotely conciliatory. Don’t let the ambassador say “Excuse me but I’d like to say something here.” "
It’s 3:30 AM and the phone rings again in the White House, waking President Romney from his slumber again. It’s our ambassador in Tajikistan with an update:
“Mr. President, good news! I’m up on the wall, and I think I’ve gotten through to them about the free speech thing… but now they’re saying some really, really mean things about me and um… you too sir. They even, um, used a phrase that questions your intellectual abilities while at the same time suggesting your relationship with your mother was inappropriately close. They’ve breached the outer wall and are on the grounds! What do we do now sir?!”
“I’m willing to face this danger, Mr. Ambassador. First, DO NOT apologize, for anything! Never, never, never EVER apologize! Got that? Second I’m ordering up an Eastwood. We’re strapping Clint Eastwood to the ICBM right now. He should be impacting about 40 minutes from now… ”
“But Mr. President, don’t ICBM’s go outside the atmosphere? Isn’t that fatal? ”
“It’s Eastwood, he’s just sort-of a leathery stick these days. Besides he loves the rush, just like the dog did. And with the lack of oxygen, well he comes back more conservative every time we launch him.”
“I’m sorry Mr. President, what were you saying? The crowd noise is… ”
“ Mr. Ambassador, did you just say “sorry”? WHAT did I just tell you about apologizing?”
“Oh yes… sorr… um… sorrel is my favorite vegetable sir!”
“Better, Mr. Ambassador. Now when Eastwood impacts, dig him out, dust him off a bit, and get him up on the embassy roof. Don’t forget to point him towards the mob. You’re not going to believe how impressed the mob will be when Eastwood shakes his fist at them and says:
“All of you A-rabs get off of our G__ D__ grass!”
Then he’s going to smirk at them, severely! Just like I do. It’s just so beautiful to watch that I almost feel an emotion.”
“But we don’t have any grass, Mr. President, Tajikistan is an exceptionally arid country and congress has cut our budget for grass, water and food in order to fund tax breaks for the wealthy.
“The Neocons warned me about your damn incompetent Socialist State Department excuses. First you want to apologize for everything, and now you’ve got no grass? –sigh- OK here’s what I’ll do, I’ll order the C-130’s to air drop some Saudi golf course grass before Eastwood arrives. Get your little people out there to spread it around under the mobs feet, so Eastwood will have something to yell about, otherwise he might not go off like he should. And remember no apologies. Ever. That’s the secret to successful foreign policy.
[minor edits 8:26A]