My 37-year career ended on one dark day a few months ago when my employer, acting on the advice of the Bain & Company MBA whiz kids, threw a few hundred more people into the volcano in an attempt to appease the Gods of Wall Street.
As discussed in the 4th installment of this series, the newly laid-off face some daunting challenges. Unfortunately, these challenges arise when the newly laid-off are probably least able to cope with them. Going out on job interviews while still reeling from the pain of a sudden and unexpected separation from one's job, career, livelihood, and identity is hardly optimal timing. However, nobody knows better than the newly unemployed that the world is watching them, waiting to see whether they'll rise from the ashes to reinvent themselves in a new job.
If you're the spouse, fiance, loved one, friend, or parent of someone who just got the axe, you probably have plenty of fears of your own. How will you get by without your loved one's income? How will you cope with them hanging out at home, when they're normally at the office? How long will it take them to find new employment?
While it's tempting to ask these questions, trust me: nobody wants to recover from this setback faster than your loved one. Even if the job they lost was a living hell, they know that they have to get back up on the horse that kicked them in the gut and keep on riding.
So: is there anything that you, dear loved one, could do to help? Indeed there is. I've got a few suggestions for you, based on my own experience on both sides of this equation. Your situation may be different, so I welcome your perspectives in the comments.
First of all, check out the diary linked above. It's got some hints that anyone could use regarding "things not to say" and things to say to someone who's just lost their job.
Secondly, never underestimate the power of a hug. If you're concerned about what to say, a hug is the perfect solution. Just saying "I'm so sorry" will suffice. If your loved one wants to rant about the injustices they've suffered, let them. If they want to deal with their loss privately, respect that.
Everyone handles the grief of a layoff - and it is grief - in their own way. Some people seem to bounce back immediately, but be careful. They may still harbor a lot of pain and anger and resentment. Let them process it on their own terms, and be prepared for setbacks. For instance, I was doing fine after my layoff in June, until I heard Paul Ryan's recent witless remarks about "makers" vs. "takers".
Since I was laid off as a result of Bain & Company's "management consulting" advice, my outrage at the Romney/Ryan views of the 47% is a logical reaction. I spent 37 years as a "maker" and through no fault of my own was consigned to life as an unemployment "taker". I hate it, but I've launched my own business, and hope to reinvent myself as a job creator.
If you have any desire to be a hero, now's a very good time to step up to the plate. Reassure your loved one that you're willing to help out any way you can - working some overtime or taking a part-time job, selling off your unneeded stuff, cutting your expenses - that would be welcome news (if you're sincere).
Remind your loved one in words - and more importantly, in your actions - that you value them, not their income. They're likely feeling as vulnerable as a lobster who's shed their shell as part of their growth process. Until they grow a new hard shell, they're easy prey, and their fear is entirely justified. For them, the world may be a very scary place.
If you're in a position to help, do so, but only if your loved one is comfortable. Let's say you're adept at social networking, and they're not. If you can help them with a compelling LinkedIn profile, that might be very useful. If you can watch the kids, run some errands, and free them up to focus on their job search, that's great too. If you have personal connections that could help, draw on them, but only if your loved one is okay with that.
Whatever you do, don't ask "well, have you found a job yet?" I was living at home before I got married, and my dad and I were concurrently unemployed back in 1974. Every day (it seemed), my mom would ask us whether we'd found a job. If we had, we'd have been twisting and shouting and letting everyone know. Your loved one will let you know too. Don't make them feel like they're letting you down. It's a very tough job market. The more senior they were, the longer it may take to find a comparable job. If they're still unemployed after one month, six months, or longer, that's actually pretty normal.
That's not to say that they can't, or shouldn't, take a lesser job in the mean time to make ends meet. It's fair to have a discussion of options. Just keep in mind that this is a very delicate subject. Be prepared for some pushback if you seem like you're micromanaging the process.
Even if you're consumed with fears about the future, try not to bring them up. Trust that your loved one is doing their best to find new employment. If you need to adjust your spending, start by offering things you'd cut out. Take the pressure off them by offering to go out for an inexpensive dinner or a ball game or a movie. The diversion from their angst will be greatly appreciated. They may feel too guilty to ask.
If your folks or your friends are likely to say upsetting things to your loved one, try not to interact with them for a while. Tell them that your loved one is doing what they can to find a job, and that you'll obviously keep them posted.
There will be excitement and setbacks along the way, as your loved one pursues new opportunities. They may run the gamut of emotions from despair to euphoria and back to despair. Try not to take it personally. You fell in love with them for their charming vulnerability, their emotional resilience, or some other combination of traits. It may be those very same traits that lead them out of the dark abyss of unemployment out into the light of a new situation.
If you promised to love them "for better or for worse", yeah, this is "worse". But keep in mind: the love you show them now, when they need it the most, will never be forgotten. As the beneficiary of my husband's love for me and trust in the launch of my new business, I can tell you this from my own experience: it makes all the difference in the world. Things will get better, maybe not immediately, but eventually. Now is the time to draw on your faith, and to show your love.