Last night, Stephen Colbert looked at pastor Rick Scarborough's call to prayer in order to save Mitt Romney's campaign.
I don't get it, folks. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! Folks, don't believe the critics who say Mitt's campaign doesn't have a prayer. He's going to have plenty of prayers, thanks to a new website called 40 Days to Save America.
40 DAYS TO SAVE AMERICA AD: All around us, we see a nation spiraling down into an ungodly mess of secular humanism, immorality, corruption, deceit, and attacks on religious liberty. ... We're asking pastors and congregations all over America to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. ... Prayer + fasting + action = change.
That is amazing. Because usually, prayer + fasting + action = passing out. (audience laughter)
Now the hero behind this project is Texas pastor Rick Scarborough, who last August helped launch Rick Perry's presidential campaign with the stadium prayer rally, The Response. And God responded with a polite, no thank you. But, Pastor Scarborough did credit the rally with ending the drought in Texas. So clearly, his prayers work on natural disasters, which is a perfect match for the Romney campaign.
....
Now folks, this prayer will help Mitt Romney win over undecided voters, especially the biggest undecided voter of 'em all, God. I mean He may be all-knowing, but he would still like to know a little bit more about Mitt's tax returns. In fact, God is three undecided voters: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And you gotta figure the Son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie! (audience applause) Can't stay 33 forever. Move out of your mom's house.
But Mitt, Mitt has still got a shot with the old man. He's right in Mitt's core demo: He's old, male, vengeful, and he lives in a gated community.
Video and full transcript below the fold.
Now, before the break, I told you how Louis Gohmert had revealed Barack Obama's secret plan to resurrect the Ottoman Empire by denying us bacon (see below this transcript). Yet another reason we must elect Mitt Romney. Now unfortunately, the latest Quinnipiac/New York Times/CBS/TCBY poll...
has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. (audience cheering)
I don't get it, folks. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! Folks, don't believe the critics who say Mitt's campaign doesn't have a prayer. He's going to have plenty of prayers, thanks to a new website called 40 Days to Save America.
40 DAYS TO SAVE AMERICA AD: All around us, we see a nation spiraling down into an ungodly mess of secular humanism, immorality, corruption, deceit, and attacks on religious liberty. ... We're asking pastors and congregations all over America to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. ... Prayer + fasting + action = change.
That is amazing. Because usually, prayer + fasting + action = passing out. (audience laughter)
Now the hero behind this project is Texas pastor Rick Scarborough, who last August helped launch Rick Perry's presidential campaign with the stadium prayer rally, The Response. And God responded with a polite, no thank you. But, Pastor Scarborough did credit the rally with ending the drought in Texas. So clearly, his prayers work on natural disasters, which is a perfect match for the Romney campaign.
Now Scarborough insists that these 40 days of prayer, which start this Friday and just happen to end on Election Day, is a non-partisan event, because he is totally not a partisan!
RICK SCARBOROUGH (8/23/2007): I'm not a Republican, I'm not a Democrat, I'm a Christocrat.
So, please join him even if you are a Jewpublican. Again, aloha.
Now folks, this prayer will help Mitt Romney win over undecided voters, especially the biggest undecided voter of 'em all, God. I mean He may be all-knowing, but he would still like to know a little bit more about Mitt's tax returns. In fact, God is three undecided voters: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And you gotta figure the Son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie! (audience applause) Can't stay 33 forever. Move out of your mom's house.
But Mitt, Mitt has still got a shot with the old man. He's right in Mitt's core demo: He's old, male, vengeful, and he lives in a gated community.
So, right now, I'm going to engage in a little targeted adver-praying. Let me just get out my lucky prayer hat right here. And put on my patented prayer hands. Jesus #1! Now folks, Mitt's in real trouble, so I'm afraid I have to go negative.
Almighty Father, almost four years ago, President Obama promised hope and change. But Oh Lord and creator of the universe, was this the change you wanted? The Democrats left you off their convention platform, and they want to force your servants to provide birth control to the whore of Babylon.
Obama punishes the job creators. Just imagine how he'll treat the Job creators. It's time to send Obama a message. Maybe a river of blood, or locusts, or losing Ohio. Because Barack Obama isn't just wrong for the nation, he's wrong for creation.
So God, remember, on November 6th, a day which you are already in and will always be in for a timeless eternity, vote Mitt Romney. But bring photo ID, cuz they're really cracking down.
I'm Stephen Colbert, and I prayed this message. We'll be right back.
Stephen also looked at the oncoming
bacon shortage, and blamed it on Obama via Rep. Louis Gohmert's (R-TX)
insane verbal diarrhea of Obama establishing an Ottoman Empire here in the U.S.
Meanwhile, Jon covered the
NFL refs labor dispute, and found out his own correspondents have
gone on strike.
Jason Jones then talked with psychiatrists
for the top 1%.
Stephen talked with philosopher
Jim Holt, and Jon talked with actress
Olivia Wilde, and you won't believe who used to be her babysitter.