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A toasted bagel with lox and cream cheese
George Rockwell's breakfast.
For years, long before I started this weekly feature, I would get regular anti-semitic hate mail from a certain user. His stuff stood out because, unlike the other crap I receive, this guy used the same return email address every time. Remember, the only way to contact me on the site is via a form, and most hate mailers put in bogus return addresses.

I decided to engage with him about a year after starting this feature, and George Rockwell has provided lots of laughs ever since (see here, here, here and here).

The Rockwell saga (he claims he's a nephew of the notorious George Rockwell, founder of the United States Nazi Party) has had a long-running story arc on this feature, but I never imagined it would come to this point: A few weeks ago I talked him into getting a DNA test to, you know, put to rest scurrilous rumors that he might be Jewish. Well, as I posted last week, he teased us with the shocker news:

all right, markos. i have the dna results but i'm not ready to discuss them quite yet. i need to process them for a day or so. but i can tell you right now that this is the last time we ever have a discussion on this particular subject.
Of course, it wasn't the last time we had a discussion on that particular subject. Follow me for the glorious action, below the fold, where we find out what happens when a neo-Nazi finds out he's Jewish.

Two days after I got the email above, George came back:

From: George
To: Markos

(legal disclaimer: by opening this message you immediately and irrevocably agree to the following legal conditions: the contents of this message are extremely confidential, subject to all penalties under the full extent of the law. this includes both the first and the second party, meaning that even i am not allowed to discuss these matters afterwards) ok, here's the thing. it does seem that there is a small amount of jew blood in my family. this is very, very bad. however, there are some ameliorating factors. first, my mother is not a jew, therefore, according to jew law, i am not a jew and it is illegal to call me a jew. that is a small but important comfort. second, apparently the jew in my family is a quite a bit removed from me, most likely a great-great-great-great-grandfather or similar. now, the first order of business is to determine who brought jew blood into my family. the answer seems crystal clear; it has to be my mother's father who was notoriously pro-jew. the man even voted for a jew on a few occasions, for god's sake. secondly, the conditiond under which jew blood entered my bloodline are very important. thus, i have decided that the following happened: one of my (very distant, please note) ancestors married a jew who had already converted to christianity. this means that no legal jews were ever in my family, partially solving the problem. the jew genes are still a problem, however, and require a lot of work to compensate. i intend to redouble my efforts to fight back against the jew hegemony, if it's the last thing i do. further, i need to do some genealogical research in order to find the jew convert who married my ancestor. i also intend to send samples to a few foreign laboratories located in non-jew-controlled countries in case the first lab made a mistake (or was influenced by jews). if later lab results exonerate me, then it is an exception to the legal disclaimer above, and i will inform you of the results. i will destroy the results and instruct the lab to delete all information concerning me from their computers. as i said, markos, this is very bad, but not a complete catastrophe, since no legal jews were ever in my family. we will not discuss this matter further.

From: Markos
To: George

It's pretty amazing that you turned out to be Jewish!

From: George
To: Markos

goddamn it markos, i just explained to you that i'm not a jew and it is illegal to refer to me as such! there is one biological but not legal jew in my family and that does not make me a jew! you will immediately stop referring to me as a jew. also keep in mind that you are bound by the legal disclaimer from discussing this matter, which is precisely what you're doing!

From: Markos
To: George

I'm most impressed by the fact that you accept Jew law.

From: George
To: Markos

i only accept jew law when it comes to determining whether someone is a jew, and according to said law it is clear that i am not a jew. stop referring to me as a jew and do so immediately! and you are legally forbidden from discussing this matter so i suggest you comply!

From: George
To: Markos

all right, markos, i checked wikipedia and it clearly states the following: "a Jew by birth must be born to a Jewish mother". that should end the debate on this issue. so please stop referring to me as a jew since clearly i'm not and it is illegal to call me a jew.

From: George
To: Markos

and just so we're clear on this, my mother is most certainly not a jew. she is an evangelical christian and she doesn't even like jews. so i hope you cease your ridiculous and illegal antics and stop slandering me. slander is an actionable offense, which you should know.

From: Markos
To: George

What law are you citing that makes it illegal to call you a Jew? Jewish law! So if you're not Jewish, then why would Jewish law apply? The only way Jewish law would apply is if you were Jewish.

In any case, it's pretty amazing that you have Jewish blood in you. See? Being Jewish isn't a horrible thing! Unless, that is, you think you yourself are horrible.

So are you going to keep kosher?

From: George
To: Markos

i'm citing the law against slander, as you should well know. for example, it would be illegal for me to call you a homosexual or a car thief since you're obviously not. that would be slander. it is equally illegal to call me a jew when i'm obviously not. so stop calling me a jew and do so immediately! remember that the only biological jew in my distant family was not a practicing jew but rather had converted to christianity. so legally i'm not a jew and that's final.

From: Markos
To: George

Wait, how do you know that your Jewish descendent didn't practice? As far as I can tell, that's just idle and baseless speculation on your part. You might even be libeling that person by claiming they denied their heritage! I'd be careful about that if I were you.

p.s. Hopefully you had a great Yom Kippur, atoning for all your sins!

From: George
To: Markos

and what is this now, markos? are you implying i'm a jew? or are you insulting my mother? even implying i'm a jew is an actionable offense, which you should know!

From: Markos
To: George

Your mother? I thought your Jewish relative was a distant one. I'm confused.

Admit it! You love bagels with lox.

From: George
To: Markos

i'm the expert on my family's history and therefore i make all the decisions regarding it. and i have decided that my biologically jew ancestor had converted to christianity. end of discussion. and i don't celebrate yom kippur, which is a jew holiday. and stop calling me a goddamn jew! i'm running out of patience here, markos! you will immediately stop implying or claiming that i'm a jew, which is legally slander!

From: Markos
To: George

How are you an expert on your Jewish relative, when you claimed shortly ago that you had no Jewish heritage?

If you were wrong about that before, what makes you right about it now?

So, uh, you're not keeping kosher?

From: George
To: Markos

you implied that my mother is a jew, which is illegal. you will stop doing that immediately. and yes, i admit that i like bagels, but that hardly makes anyone a jew. i once worked closely with an asian guy who loved bagels, and you can be sure that he was no jew. and i would remind you that even implying that i'm a jew is illegal.

From: Markos
To: George

I don't know anything about your mother, so I'm not sure why you're dragging her into this. All I know is that your very own DNA test proved you have Jewish heritage, and you should be proud of that! It's nice to know that we all come from the same places, and that we are truly one people.

So you like bagels, huh? Interesting....

From: George
To: Markos

i am an expert on my family, even the biological jew. and stop with the jew remarks, markos! i am not a jew and a variety of laws and legal principles prevent you from making such untruthful and malicious remarks!

a single biologically jew relative doesn't mean anything and it certainly doesn't mean i have any kind of jew heritage. and don't get stuck on the bagel thing, markos. i also like chinese food and that doesn't make me chinese.

From: Markos
To: George

It means that you are biologically part-Jewish. Why does that offend you?

Bagels are delicious.

From: George
To: Markos

it doesn't mean that. it just means that there is one non-practicing biological jew in my family. that is all. and yes, i do like bagels, as i already told you, but it means exactly nothing. food doesn't carry a political agenda.

From: Markos
To: George

How do you know that Jewish relative of yours was non-practicing? A week ago you didn't even know that person existed, now you can recite a full biography for him or her?

If you're such an expert on this person, what was his or her name?

I'm really glad you like bagels.

From: George
To: Markos

i can decide what my ancestors did or did not practice, thank you very much. and the name is hardly relevant to this discussion. and stop it with the bagels. it sounds like your implying something again, which is illegal as we have already established.

From: Markos
To: George

You have something against bagels? I wish you'd stop knocking them. They taste good.

And no, you can't decide what people who lived before you did. They already did it, whether you like it or not.

So it seems to me that you are so upset by the fact that you are part-Jewish, that you are rationalizing it away with pure fantasy. And really, there's nothing in your genes that says "it was just one person." Fact is you have Jewish heritage. That's the reality. Whether they practiced or not is not something you can ever know or dismiss.

So why does it anger you so much? Embrace it! It's who you are, whether you want it to be or not!

From: George
To: Markos

yes, i can decide what my family history is. and it was exactly one person, there is no proof to the contrary. and there is nothing i need to embrace since i'm not a jew! and you will immediately stop talking about bagels and implying that i'm a jew when it's obvious that i'm not. i am not speaking to you until you admit that i'm not a jew.

From: Markos
To: George

You have Jewish heritage. And there's no proof that it was just one person.

And why do you keep talking about bagels? Is it because you find them super delicious?

From: George
To: Markos

i am not speaking to you until you admit that i'm not a jew.

From: Markos
To: George

You just spoke to me.

And the DNA evidence says you've got Jewish heritage. And your own words admit that you like bagels.

From: George
To: Markos

i didn't speak to you, i repeated my previous words. and liking bagels does not make me a jew. a lot of people like bagels. now, i am not speaking to you again until you admit that i am not a jew.

From: Markos
To: George

What if I admit that you like bagels? Will you speak to me then?

From: George
To: Markos

i don't understand your fascination with bagels. bagels are a very tasty food, that's all. many non-jews like bagels and i seriously doubt every jew likes them. if you think that fondness for bagels is somehow relevant to determining one's jew status, you're a fool. and no, i'm not speaking to you until you admit that i'm not a jew.

And ... scene!
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