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(Note: With UCLA starting up again, I no longer have time to write out full transcripts to segments.  I will try to still include the key videos and perhaps a partial transcript of the best one from the day before.)

Last night, Stephen Colbert looked at the lack of math behind Romney's tax plan, and had a unique solution to deal with the unemployment problem: cheap prison labor.

Now obviously, the math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand.  It's unfathomably complex, like string theory.  You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 co-existent dimensions, 8 of which are where Romney shelters his wealth.  (audience laughter)  Just trust him.  Just trust him.

The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, "Get in".  Don't ask, "Where are we going?"  It would take him too long to explain.  Just get in.  And it puts the lotion on its body.  (audience applause at inside joke)

....

Folks, tonight I am happy to share a success story.  It's a little company called UNICOR that does $900 million dollars in business annually, making bed and blankets, table linens, circuit boards, prescription eyewear, and solar panels, and all at low cost for a sizable profit.  How do they do it?  Volume.  Also, prison labor.

After all, prisoners are some of the most skilled manufacturers.  I mean, who else can make a toothbrush and a lunch tray into a crossbow?  (A Cub Scout Earning His "Psycho" Badge?)

Now folks, the Federal Bureau of Prisons founded UNICOR to rehabilitate inmates while providing government agencies with low cost products and services, like help desk call centers.  Now when you call tech support, you won't get some foreigner with a crazy name, you'll give your credit card information to a real American named "Spider".  (Formerly "Bernie Madoff")  (audience laughter)

....

And folks, until recently, UNICOR has been legally allowed [to] supply only other government agencies, but those restrictions are now lifting.  (The Shawshank Exemption)  So, UNICOR is now offering its prison labor to the private sector.

UNICOR AD: You can take advantage of UNICOR's unique capabilities: skilled workforce, nationwide locations, 24/7 operations, highly competitive pricing. ... The best kept secret in outsourcing.  Outsourcing with UNICOR can provide you with all the advantages of domestic contact centers at offshore prices. ... UNICOR: The secret is out.
Yes, the secret is out.  (Unlike Their Workers)

And, for all those who are worried about unemployed Americans who will now have to compete against cheap prison labor, don't worry.  You can apply for one of these great new UNICOR jobs by going to your local liquor store and submitting your application via shotgun.  ("Say Hello To My Little Resume!")  (audience applause)

Remember folks, first impressions count, so wear a fresh ski mask, and look the manager right in the eye when you say, "Everyone hit the motherfucking ground!"

And folks, before you know it, you'll have the right to remain employed for the next 10 to 20 years!

Video and transcript below the fold.

I am a huge fan of Republican vice presidential candidate and Jersey Boys understudy Paul Ryan.  Which is why I am enraged!  'Cause this weekend, this good man was attacked by the liberal hacks over at Fox News!  Just listen to Chris Wallace grilling Ryan over Romney's proposed 20% across the board tax cut.
9/30/2012:

CHRIS WALLACE: The Obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion dollars over 10 years.  True?

PAUL RYAN: Not in the least bit true!

True?  Not true?  Who cares?  It's over ten years!  Romney and Ryan will only be in office for eight of those!  Let President Bachmann worry about it in 2020!  That's what hindsight is for.  But folks, just listen to this pitbull!
9/30/2012:

CHRIS WALLACE: But how much would it cost?

PAUL RYAN: It's revenue neutral.  It doesn't cost $5 trillion dollars.

CHRIS WALLACE: No no, I'm just talking about cuts.  We'll get to the deductions, but the cut in tax rates.

PAUL RYAN: No, so the cut in tax rates is lower all Americans' tax rates by 20%.

CHRIS WALLACE: Right, how much does that cost?

PAUL RYAN: It's revenue neutral.

OK?  Revenue neutral, Chris.  But for some reason, Wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer.  Jim?
9/30/2012:

CHRIS WALLACE: Well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deductions.

[crosstalk]

CHRIS WALLACE: But I have to point out, you haven't given me the math.

PAUL RYAN: No, but you... well, I don't have the time.  It would take me too long to go through all of the math.

Great answer.  (audience laughter and applause)

Now why is it a great answer?  It would take me too long to explain, but trust me, it was a great answer.  Besides, the American people don't want to hear math.  That's why Ryan Seacrest's Top 40 countdown didn't catch on until they added songs.

Now obviously, the math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand.  It's unfathomably complex, like string theory.  You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 co-existent dimensions, 8 of which are where Romney shelters his wealth.  (audience laughter)  Just trust him.  Just trust him.

The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, "Get in".  Don't ask, "Where are we going?"  It would take him too long to explain.  Just get in.  And it puts the lotion on its body.  (audience applause at inside joke)

Now folks, either we go with the Romney/Ryan plan, or it's four more years of Barack Obama.  Though, even Obama did get some good economic news.

ALISON KOSIK (10/1/2012): These job numbers show that the President has recovered every single job lost on his watch, and then some. ... That makes the President a net job creator.
There it is!  Obama is a net job creator.  So congratulations to Robert Baird, the guy who got the job.

But, millions of Americans are still looking for work, particularly low-skilled workers with no high school diploma, who face a 12% unemployment rate.  Now my heart goes out to those blue collar workers.  All they know how to do is make stuff.  While we white collar workers have the education necessary to check our e-mail.

The problem is America has lost its good manufacturing jobs to place with cheap unregulated labor, like China, Vietnam, and the gulags beneath Disneyworld.  "Faster, Chakor!  They're running out of Mickey pretzels!"

(audience laughter and applause)  Mickey.  All for Mickey.  Please don't sue.

Now how is the U.S. supposed to compete with countries where workers toil for pennies an hour?  Well luckily, one company has found a way to keep manufacturing right here in America, and they bring us to tonight's Wørd: Supply Chained.

Folks, tonight I am happy to share a success story.  It's a little company called UNICOR that does $900 million dollars in business annually, making bed and blankets, table linens, circuit boards, prescription eyewear, and solar panels, and all at low cost for a sizable profit.  How do they do it?  Volume.  Also, prison labor.

After all, prisoners are some of the most skilled manufacturers.  I mean, who else can make a toothbrush and a lunch tray into a crossbow?  (A Cub Scout Earning His "Psycho" Badge?)

Now folks, the Federal Bureau of Prisons founded UNICOR to rehabilitate inmates while providing government agencies with low cost products and services, like help desk call centers.  Now when you call tech support, you won't get some foreigner with a crazy name, you'll give your credit card information to a real American named "Spider".  (Formerly "Bernie Madoff")  (audience laughter)

And, if your computer won't boot up, he might say, "Have you tried jimmying open your neighbor's window and stealing his computer?"  (Offers Troubleshooting, Actual Shooting)  And folks, these genuine American workers do it all for as little as 23 cents an hour.  Which is 23 cents more than I pay my interns.  (But Fewer Cavity Searches!)

And UNICOR's business model is leaving the competition in the dust!

ELIZABETH PRANN (9/15/2012): Small manufacturers are trying to stay afloat in a tough economy, and now they have to compete with cheap prison labor. ... Two companies in particular, American Apparel and American Power Source, both manufacture Army uniforms. ... The uniforms they stitch are now being made by federal inmates.
Yes, prison labor is replacing companies like Alabama-based uniform maker American Apparel.

Not to be confused with the more famous American Apparel, whose photographers will eventually end up in prison.

Best of all, even though UNICOR pays its workers next to nothing, doesn't mean it can't charge top dollar.  Because the law requires federal agencies to buy UNICOR's products.  So, UNICOR can charge nearly $5 dollars more per uniform.  (Will Also Accept Carton Of Cigarettes)

And folks, until recently, UNICOR has been legally allowed [to] supply only other government agencies, but those restrictions are now lifting.  (The Shawshank Exemption)  So, UNICOR is now offering its prison labor to the private sector.

UNICOR AD: You can take advantage of UNICOR's unique capabilities: skilled workforce, nationwide locations, 24/7 operations, highly competitive pricing. ... The best kept secret in outsourcing.  Outsourcing with UNICOR can provide you with all the advantages of domestic contact centers at offshore prices. ... UNICOR: The secret is out.
Yes, the secret is out.  (Unlike Their Workers)

And, for all those who are worried about unemployed Americans who will now have to compete against cheap prison labor, don't worry.  You can apply for one of these great new UNICOR jobs by going to your local liquor store and submitting your application via shotgun.  ("Say Hello To My Little Resume!")  (audience applause)

Remember folks, first impressions count, so wear a fresh ski mask, and look the manager right in the eye when you say, "Everyone hit the motherfucking ground!"

And folks, before you know it, you'll have the right to remain employed for the next 10 to 20 years!  (Supply Chained)  And that's the Wørd.  We'll be right back.

He then noted how Ahmadinejad's entourage at the UN went out to buy lots of stuff from Costco.
Meanwhile, Jon looked at how both the Romney and Obama campaigns are lowering expectations for the debate, and how far they're willing to spin.
He then looked at the changing stories from the administration over the Benghazi attack.
Stephen had on Do It Anyway", and Jon talked with Arnold Schwarzenegger, which went long.  Here's the whole unedited interview in three parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Originally posted to BruinKid on Tue Oct 02, 2012 at 05:02 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Executive Order 6917. (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    raines, Joieau, BruinKid, ColoTim

    Establishing the Federal Prison Industries, Inc.:

    By virtue of the authority vested in me by the Act of June 23, 1934 (Public No. 461, 73d Congress), it is hereby ordered that a corporation of the District of Columbia be and is hereby created, said corporation to be named as

    Federal Prison Industries, Inc.

    1. The governing body of said corporation shall consist of a board of five directors to hold office at the pleasure of the President. The following persons shall constitute the first Board of Directors:

    Mr. Sanford Bates

    Mr. Thomas A. Rickert

    Hon. John B. Miller

    Dr. M. L. Brittain

    Mr. Sam A. Lewisohn

    2. The principal office of said corporation shall be in the City of Washington, District of Columbia, but the corporation shall have power and authority to establish such other offices or agencies as it may deem necessary or appropriate.

    3. The said corporation shall have power to determine in what manner and to what extent industrial operations shall be carried on in the several penal and correctional institutions of the United States and shall, so far as practicable, so diversify prison industrial operations that no single private industry shall be forced to bear an undue burden of competition with the products of the prison workshops. It shall also have power to do all things it is authorized to do by the said Act of June 23, 1934, and all things incident to or necessary or proper in the exercise of its functions ....

  •  So why couldn't it be both? Why couldn't the (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    BruinKid, ColoTim

    terrorists promote the video to get the masses hopped up on September 11? How long had the video been on the web before September 11?  I don't think the video came out that day.  I don't think everyone in the crowd was wired to every video on the internet.  

    I am inclined to believe.  They wanted an uprising on September 11.  They found the video.  They promoted the video to give a mob backing to their attack.

    Hey Ryan, where you goin' with that trans-vaginal probe in your hand

    by 88kathy on Tue Oct 02, 2012 at 06:25:13 AM PDT

  •  And it puts the lotion on its body... (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    trumpeter, ColoTim, BruinKid

    ...is not an inside joke, it's a quote from Silence of Lamb's serial killer Buffalo Bill

    (-9,-9) pragmatic incrementalist :-P

    by Enterik on Tue Oct 02, 2012 at 08:05:51 AM PDT

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