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An odd calm has come over me today. This is in stark contrast to the intense anxiety I have been feeling for the last several months. I've resigned myself to losing my home. I don't feel sad, I just feel... relieved.

I've been struggling to make ends meet for several months. I love writing. I love programming. I was hoping to pick up some decent writing or Java programming work. I had fantasies about everything suddenly righting itself and my path in the world continuing in a positive direction. It just never happened. Nothing ever materialized.

I fought for writing work and none of it ever paid enough to catch up. There were times it seemed like things were working out, but then they didn't. The well-paying clients didn't have as much work as it seemed. The not-so-well-paying clients sometimes didn't bother to pay at all, or moved on to find lower quality writers who would work for even cheaper. In the end, it just didn't work out.

I've had at least a dozen job leads that went nowhere. I was blindly optimistic about every one of them. I imagined those big fat pay checks pouring in. I imagined being able to pay my mortgage, my utilities, even maybe eventually being able to get a car again. I held out every ounce of hope that a human being possibly could as one-by-one leads led to rocky paths  and eventually dead ends.

I kept fighting even when it was clear I had lost. Against the ropes, bloody and delirious, no ref to tap me out, I swung my fists like a champ, catching only air, getting beat down round after round. Until...

I gave up. I realized it wasn't going to happen. The world will not magically right itself. By the time I finally find a job that I can do, it will be too late.

I thought this moment would be devastating, but it isn't. There is a zen calm that I can't quite explain.

My house is all but gone. The only thing left to do is pack my shit and get out, before they lock me out.

Some day, maybe that house it will make someone else happy. Or maybe not. This will be it's 5th foreclosure in less than 5 years.

I'm ready to move on. I still have to find work. I still have to rebuild my life. But, I refuse to give up on hope.

Originally posted to Posh (and not so Posh) Thoughts on Thu Oct 04, 2012 at 12:55 PM PDT.

Also republished by Unemployment Chronicles.

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