From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Billy's Debate Game
Tonight the candidates meet at Hofstra University in Hempstead (HuhHuhHuh...he said hemp) New York for a 90-minute debate moderated by Candy Crowley. These are the rules I'll be playing by tonight:
> Start with a clean gullet by guzzling a Paul Ryan-sized glass of water and then shouting "I have six studies!!!"Oh, and FYI: if Andrew Sullivan freaks out again on Twitter and declares our republic dead, his husband has strict orders to call an ambulance and have him taken to the emergency room for some of Mitt Romney's FREE health care. Enjoy the show, kids, and bottoms up!
> Take a swig for each element of the stage design that's red, white or blue.> On a sheet of paper (papyrus if you're a traditionalist), create a word cloud of the debate in real time. Be accurate, because it's a document your family will rely on for generations.Word cloud of a Lincoln-Douglas debate.
> Knock back a shot every time a person asking a question is told to "speak closer into the microphone, please."
> Eat a handful of Cheetos (or the snack of your choice) every time Obama or Romney says "We must go back to," "We can't go back to," "Didn't work," "Won't work," "Can't work," "Will work," "We tried that," "You tried that," "They tried that," "No one tried that," "Expect the same result," "Expect a different result," "Must go down that path," or "Can't go down that path."
> When the President successfully debunks a Romney lie (and he will have many from which to choose), nibble one color off a piece of candy corn. When you've nibbled off all three colors, help yourself to a pumpkin made out of the same stuff as candy corn. (Spoiler Alert: candy corn is people!!!!)
> If the topic of climate change/global warming comes up, open your window and yell, "Holy shit! They're finally talkin' about the planet!!!!"
> Take a li'l nip from the flask strapped to your ankle if someone walks in the room and says, "Hey, whatcha watchin'? Oh, god, is that thing still on?"
> If you suddenly realize that you missed a chunk of the debate because you were liveblogging, liveblog about it.
> If Paul Ryan shows up to do your dishes, make sure they're good and dirty. Also take several swigs so you can tolerate him being in your house.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Note: There's been a slight change to the Declaration of Independence. Our unalienable rights are now fear, indifference, and the pursuit of cheap shit at low prices. Please make a note of it.
By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the 2012 general election:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3!!!
Days 'til the Collinsville Fall Festival in Illinois: 11
Increase in retail sales in September, which exceeded expectations: 1.1%
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Percent of Americans who have one credit card: 20%
Percent who have four or more: 20%
(Source: USA Today)
Previous month and year during which consumer sentiment was as high as it is today: 9/07
Amount the 22 James Bond movies have made since Dr. No debuted in 1962: $5.1 billion
Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
If we can actually get the voter ID laws passed, the next step should be a basic test before voting. Something VERY simple, but if they don’t have the answer, they need to go home and study, then come back and try again..only this time a different question.All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!
Possible questions could be: Who is the current Vice President? How do you say Vice President in English? What is your middle name? Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?
---Commenter Hscrpr at the Michelle Malkin blog
Puppy Pic of the Day: Debate watchers gather…
JEERS to reaching life's limit. On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter's passing comes more sad news this morning as we read that the great George McGovern has entered hospice care. He's 90, his body is plum worn out, and his daughter says he's near death. It's perfectly normal. It's perfectly natural. It's perfectly expected at that ripe old age. And it perfectly sucks.
CHEERS to farting a little truth in power's general direction. An aide to George Romney says Mitt has as much business being president as…um…well, I was trying to think of an extreme example but all I can come up with is Mitt Romney:
the title of a Mitt Romney documentary.
Walter De Vries, who worked for the senior Mr. Romney throughout the 1960s, wrote that Mitt Romney’s bid for the White House was “a far cry from the kind of campaign and conduct, as a public servant, I saw during the seven years I worked in George Romney’s campaigns and served him as governor.” … “While it seems that Mitt would say and do anything to close a deal – or an election,” he wrote, “George Romney’s strength as a politician and public officeholder was his ability and determination to develop and hold consistent policy positions over his life.”You watch. By sundown the Romney spin machine will have Mr. De Vries neatly framed as a Commie socialist terrorist panty-sniffing French unemployment-statistic-fixing Muslim responsible for high gas prices. Because, if there's one thing Mitt does a thousand times better than his dad, it's sliming.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Baseball. Hey, Mets fans! Did you know that 43 years ago today your team won their first World Series? Huge moment...really big, big, bigbigbig win. Wasn't that a time! Hey, why are you crying? Something I said?
CHEERS and JEERS to good news and bad news. Okay, so, like, I've got good news and bad news. First the good news: September was not the world's hottest September on record. The bad news: September tied the record for being the world's hottest September on record. Climatologists say it felt so hot mostly because of manmade causes. At the top of the list: Republican candidates' pants.
CHEERS to truth in advertising. There's a Mitt Romney web site called "Mitt Romney Central." Their slogan: I'm CoMITTed! Sometimes the punchlines write themselves.
Five years ago in C&J: October 16, 2007
JEERS to irony deficiencies. Fair warning, everyone: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is pissed off again, which means some unlucky soul is gonna get beaned in the head by her copy of Chopin For Dummies. Last week she was hot under the collar because Russia's Vladimir Putin is trying to amass power, control the media, scare the citizens and run his country as a dictatorship. Witnesses claimed they saw steam coming out of her ears as she shouted, "Quit stealing our act!"
CHEERS to vetting our vittles. This doesn’t exactly fill my immune system with unbridled confidence, but it's still nice to read that imported-food inspection standards are being tightened. And just in time---last night I sneezed and the bacteria in my bowl of Chilean blueberries said "Gesundheit."
And just one more…
CHEERS to the black in the White House. By now you've probably seen a photo of that yahoo at the (romney)-RYAN campaign rally sporting a shirt that reads---oh, this is so clever---"Put The White Back In The White House." Well, that ain't gonna happen no matter how hard they try…or not completely, anyway. As it turns out, the curator of the White House, Bill Allman, just hosted a new video in which he shows that the Executive Mansion, amazingly, still bears some of the black scorch marks from the night in 1814 when the British set fire to it. Take a look:
Sorry, racists, but the White House will always be a little black. And y'know what? I think that sentence would look great on a t-shirt of our own.
Have a great Tuesday---President Obama's sure planning on it! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"My dad, you probably know, was the governor of Michigan and the head of a car company. But he was born in Cheers and Jeers. Had he been born of C&J parents, I'd have a better shot of winning this."