Bill Maher gave an excellent final New Rule last night, warning anyone who would think Romney's simply a flip-flopper who's not really that conservative, and would somehow govern like a moderate, a hard dose of reality. Please spread this to anyone you know who has this misguided belief.
New Rule: Donald Trump must immediately submit to a DNA test to determine... (wild audience applause) to determine whether he is, in fact, the love child of a human woman and an orangutan from the Brooklyn Zoo. (audience applause) Look, Donald, I'm not saying that your mother was repeatedly fucking an orangutan back in the 1940s. I don't know if that's true, I hope it's not true. But given your face, your physique, your intelligence level, and of course your hair, the American people deserve some real proof that your mother did not spend most nights in 1945 (audience starts cheering wildly) covering her body in banana oil, sneaking into the monkey cage, and compulsively humping an orange-haired ape. Somebody had to say that.
And finally, New Rule: America, before you get in bed with Mitt Romney, remember, he may seem like a nice fella, from what we know about his core beliefs (nothing), his tax plan (nothing), his faith (off-limits), and his donors (anonymous), but a compulsive liar whose whole life is secret can get you a lot worse disease than Romnesia.
Now, when I talk about getting into bed with Mitt Romney, obviously I don't mean that literally. Please, Mitt Romney doesn't even know what a blowjob is! He thinks it's something the Pep Boys do to clean out your carburetor. No, what I'm trying to do is make an analogy to that old public service announcement about how when you go to bed with one person, you're not just sleeping with them, you're.... Well, it's like that with Mitt. When you elect Mitt, you're not just electing him, you're electing every right-wing nut he's pandered to in the last ten years.
If the Mittmobile does roll into Washington, it'll be towing behind it the whole anti-intellectual, anti-science freak show. The abstinence obsessives, the flat earthers, home schoolers, the holy warriors, the anti-women social neanderthal, the closeted homosexuals, and every end timer who sees the Virgin Mary in the grass over the septic tank. (audience applause)
Now I understand having issues with Obama, but stop to think of all the crap we haven't had to deal with in the last four years. Anybody remember Terri Schiavo? Obama isn't perfect, but he never turned the entire federal government into a Jesus-freak episode of House. And he doesn't have an Attorney General like John Ashcroft, who once covered up a statue at the Justice Department because it was showing too much tit. Like it was Janet Jackson.
I'm just saying, last four years, no crises about boobies. No controversies about whether stem cells are actually tiny people. No Defense of Marriage Act. No Office of Faith-Based Initiatives. No peddling creationism at the national parks. Did you know that before Obama got in, the Smithsonian couldn't mention global warming as a possible reason the glaciers were shrinking? Because heat melting ice was just a theory. (stunned audience reaction turning to applause)
Yes, that was our daily diet of turd under the last sensible business-minded Republican moderate. And before you say, "Well that was then, and this is now", sitting in Congress right now, we've got a fresh can of nuts just waiting to get cracked open.
A few weeks ago, we heard from a Republican Congressman named Paul Broun (R-GA). Here he is at a dead deer convention...
... telling his supporters that evolution, embryology, and the Big Bang Theory are all "lies straight from the pit of Hell". And he's on the Science Committee! Along with Todd Akin. Fuck, even the deer are rolling their eyes. (audience laughter)
Mitt Romney might want a government full of sober gentlemen who discuss policy in quiet rooms, but he's also going to get a bunch of snake handlers who spout nonsense in antler-filled rooms. People like Congressman Ralph Hall (R-TX), who is Chairman of the Science Committee, and says we don't need to address global warming because: "I don't think we can control what God controls".
By that logic, why ever put out a fire? (audience laughter and applause) Or open an umbrella? Or wipe your ass? (audience laughter) This is what you get with today's Republican Party! And a new Republican administration would be an "Open for Business" sign to all the bizarre Bible-thumping bullshit that the Obama administration has given us a break from.
And to those who say, "Oh don't worry, Mitt Romney will stand up to the extreme elements of his party", there's just one problem with that. It has the name "Mitt Romney" and the words "stand up" in the same sentence.