Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we've
decided we're leaving. "Legitimate rape...." Really. We in
California intend to form our own country and we're taking the other
Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes New
York, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
Illinois and the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial
to the nation and especially to the people of the new country, The
Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Andrew Cuomo
and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get the
Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You
get WorldCom. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax
revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since
our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners),
90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low
sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy
League and Seven Sister schools, plus Berkeley, Stanford, Cal Tech and
MIT. With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of you in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a
whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death
penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that
Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties. We're taking the good
weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.