Attn Conservatives:
You know what the problem was? You weren't conservative enough! In 2016, you need to make sure you elect someone who is actually a conservative, not some prissy CEO from that liberal haven of dirty hippie professors in Birkenstock, Massachusetts. You need to run someone who will make the conservative arguments very clearly and unequivocally. Why pander to seniors currently receiving Medicare? A real conservative would campaign on repealing that government handout entirely and immediately! Current and future seniors should be happy to flock to the superior efficiency and performance of the private insurance market! Next time, you need someone who will tell those bum seniors enough is enough. Time to stand on your own two feet and provide for yourselves and get your own insurance in the private market. If you really need some help, we'll set up some charities for you that will raise premium support funds.
You need a candidate who will look at the lack of jobs and those living in poverty and say, "You know what? You bums don't get food stamps anymore. We can't afford it anymore. I know, I know, we have more economic output than any nation in the history of the world, but my car elevators don't buy themselves, so we can't just be feeding you bums." You know, offering truly courageous conservative solutions in their purest form. If "the so-called poor" are hungry, they'll just create jobs for themselves with a high enough wages to feed themselves and their families.
You need a candidate to stand up to Wall Street and say, "You know what? You guys have done so well running our financial institutions and ensuring we have a stable economy, you should run our schools." Yep, a platform that brings the brilliance and efficiency of the private sector to higher education. You need it, we can profit from it, so there we go. For-profit education for all. Can't afford it? Well, we always need burger flippers and janitors!
You need a candidate with the courage to stand up to Wall Street and say, "Hey, you did such a good job with the 401K's in 2008, we'd really like you to run Social Security for seniors." A candidate to tell black people to stop voting and tell Hispanics, "Sorry, we're full. The country's closed." A candidate with the courage to tell workers, "No more organizing to demand a better life with a larger share of the profits from the products you make. We can't afford that anymore. I have a fleet of private jets to pay for and an island in the pacific I am trying to buy, so I need all the bonuses I can get. You should have worked harder, you bums."
You need a candidate with the courage to tell the American people, listen you bums, there are no guarantees in life and if you fall down, it's your own fault for not working harder. So live by our religious laws and work your ass off for our companies and shut up and take what we give you.
That's what you need in 2016. A REAL conservative.
Sincerely,
Progressives everywhere looking forward to that debate, and really happy that you make the contrast clearer and clearer.