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Hey pedantic literalists: there's a reason why you're provoking people on the internet instead of eating a home cooked meal with loved ones.

No matter how hard my life sucks, I'm just grateful there's no teeth.

I mean, I listened to Creed on purpose once. I can't take something like that back.

Please play Matchbox 20 at my funeral because if I can’t have a good time, I don’t want anyone else having a good time.

Just once I'd like to hear the cops say their suspect is "armed but just passive aggressive and a really bad shot"

It's fucking embarrassing how we allow pigeons to be so brazen. Fear was the only thing preventing a bird uprising.

No fucking idea how; to use a semicolon but what the fuck; are you gonna do about it? Thought so mother fuckers. ;

By the time I finally understand myself as a person, some asshole will whisper "What music do you want us to play at your funeral, Grandad?"

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