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When Victoria Principal wakes up during May sweeps will Larry Hagman be alive again?

The strangest thoughts manifest late at night. The brain's having a party and you're the guest of honor.

Some day Britney Spears will return, 900 ft. tall, breathing liquid fire, looking for payback. Fear... The Apopalypse!

Ladies, call me 9/11 because I will forever tarnish the legacy of your Bush

A man's brain is like a well-lit highway with clearly marked exits. A woman's brain is like the Temple of Doom in Indiana Jones.

I am addicted to so many things that fuck my head up on a regular basis, like weed and alcohol and talking to women.

Black people--please step it up on dishing out disapproving looks to white folks with dreadlocks. They're still out there, ruining my brunch.

Lying is a fucking art. I’m sick of idiots thinking they can just lie to people all willy nilly. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

If Picasso had created by committee we would have a lot of paintings of slightly odd puppies crying in the rain.

I need to become friends with a corrupt Powerball official.

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