From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Cheers and Jeers Turns 9 Today
7:33pm. Wednesday. December 10. Comma. 2003. It was a dark and stormy night. The Nazis wore gray, I wore blue. Jake was telling me to forget it because this was Kossacktown and besides a great disturbance in The Force meant I was gonna need a bigger boat plus, of course, tomorrow was another day and wasn't it enough that a bell had just rung and an angel had just gotten his wings?
Perhaps. But I countered that The Precious C&J wanted to be found, but when it was finally published everyone should remember: "Don’t look at it---no matter what happens, keep your eyes shut!"
I would've gotten away with just one column, too, if not for those meddling 3-digit kids Nevsky 42 (User ID 441) and Bob Johnson (User ID 191), who each posted a comment in that first C&J, thus forcing me to continue floating for a minimum of 3,287 days in cyberspace, where no one can hear you scream. (Unless you make a You Tube of yourself screaming, something my landlord tells me the other tenants tell him is an undesirable activity at 3am.)
Truth be told, after nine years I can't remember a time when I wasn't posting this delicious blend of snark, rant, 30-inch-tall blockquotes, pseudo-plagiarism, ghastly misspellings, factual errors, and really, truly, honestly, shamelessly, obnoxiously serious adverb abuse. Then again, I'm only ten years old and Obamacare won't start covering regression therapy until 2014. But I digress.
As my blogiversary gift to you, below the fold is the world premiere of the Gray-ray video-like re-release of the very first Cheers and Jeers*. It's been re-mastered, re-digitized, re-pixilated, re-scored, and re-edited so that Jar Jar Binks shoots first. I've also added brand new commentary with myself, Martin Scorsese, Nate Silver and, since he was suddenly very available, Dick Morris. If you haven’t read it before, I bet your first thought will be, "Why didn’t this win a Pulitzer?" And I bet your second thought will be, "That was the dumbest first thought I've ever had in my life."
Although it's been said many times, many ways: thank you for reading and financially supporting my little rag for so very, very, very long. It's an odd piece of virtually unreadable pablum, but y'know what? It's our odd little piece of virtually unreadable pablum. Olé!!!!!!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
*If you jiggle your screen around really fast it kinda looks videoish. C&J is not responsible for damage to monitors or internal components resulting from this, but it's really cool so try it!
Cheers and Jeers 9th Anniversary Special
By the Numbers:
Approximate number of cheers and jeers posted since 12/10/03: 14,000
Number of comments in our first ten C&J columns: 39
Date on which C&J became the "industry standard" for rating diaries: 4/2/05
Minimum number of Senator-elects who read C&J: 1 (Angus King)
Maximum number of Senators who read C&J for policy ideas: 0
Number of emails I've received calling me an asshole for writing jokes about Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, and warning me to stop invading their privacy: 1
Puppy Pic of the Day: My senior editor and big-stick-wielder since the beginning: Molly, by golly
And now here it is, in glorious Gray-ray! The first-ever C&J from December 10, 2003, with exclusive commentary by Bill in Portland Maine, Martin Scorsese, Nate Silver and Dick Morris:
Dispatch from THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE...Bill in Portland Maine: Welcome to our running commentary of the first Cheers and Jeers, from December, 2003. The first thing I should point out is the lack of our trademark "Swoosh!! Gong!!" That would start appearing later as a dig at Fox News's philosophy that if you can't get your facts right, you can at least distract your elderly viewers with REALLY LOUD SOUND EFFECTS! I believe Roger Ailes singlehandedly saved the gong industry from extinction. So he's worth that, I guess.
Martin Scorsese: I just want to say that if this five-figure check you gave me doesn't clear you're in serious trouble. Serious trouble.
Nate Silver: I predicted the Maine election results within point zero zero zero one percent.
Dick Morris: I've sucked on some tasty toes in Maine. The coastal ones are very salty.
Cheer's and Jeers (with apologies...but not really...to TV Guide)Bill in Portland Maine: If you look carefully you'll see C&J's very first punctuation error. I literally could not go eight words without fucking up.
Martin Scorsese: That's why the only reason I'm here is because you paid me. I should be back at Miramax working on my new picture, "Hugo II: Hugo Harder."
Nate Silver: Statistically speaking, the odds of a registered voter aged 18-49 making a mistake in a blog post before their ninth word are less than two-point-five percent.
Dick Morris: I sucked a Hedy LeHugo's toes once. First time I ever tried dipping 'em in sweet 'n sour sauce. My own recipe. It's on my web site.
CHEERS to Howard Dean for his extraordinary Gore Score. The early endorsement is cherry on top of the whipped cream (union endorsements) on top of the ice cream (grassroots) on top of the cake (Dean). Extra points for upstaging Bush's Medicare sideshow during Monday/Tuesday press cycles.Bill in Portland Maine: I found Daily Kos by following a wormhole from Dean's blog not long before I posted the first C&J. That was the first campaign I participated in that really electrified me. Howard had me at "What I wanna know is…"
Martin Scorsese: Howard Shore scores my movies now, did you know that? Good guy. Squeezes emotion out of you like a grape. I'm planning a movie that stars a grape. A grape that operates a crime syndicate in Napa Valley.
Nate Silver: Uh, Dick? Please stop trying to take my sock off.
Dick Morris: Was that your sock? Oooops. Hee hee.
JEERS to the Medicare bill. Democrats asleep at the wheel while Nero (Bush) fiddles. This turkey's as fake as the one in Baghdad mess hall.Bill in Portland Maine: Ahh…the fake turkey. And the Medicare bill was the one where the chief actuary was threatened with his job by the Bushies if he revealed that it was basically a textbook case of deficit spending, plus it had a big gaping hole in it that Obamacare had to plug. Oh, and my play on the word "turkey" was pretty nimble, I thought.
Martin Scorsese: "Shutter Island." Now that was a turkey. Phoned it right in.
Nate Silver: Yeah, that sucked. There's a 100 percent chance I want my eight bucks back.
Dick Morris: I hated "Shutter Island." All shoes, no toes.
CHEERS to John Edwards. Doogie Howser is coming into his own as thoughtful VP possibility. Newsweek column on jury system shows real compassion, pragmatism.Bill in Portland Maine: [Silence]
Martin Scorsese: [Silence]
Nate Silver: [Silence]
Dick Morris: [Snort!]
JEERS to Joe Lieberman. Credible rumor now pegs his camp as source of Monday's Dean/Gore leak. Were sour grapes pouting all an act?Bill in Portland Maine: I don’t even remember what that was all about. I guess Gore told Lieberman in confidence---as a courtesy because they were on the ticket together in 2000---that he was endorsing Dean and not Lieberman for president. Lieberman then leaked the story to the press so he could steal Dean's thunder as a way of getting back at Gore. Not his biggest asshole moment, but it's probably in the top ten.
Martin Scorsese: Did I tell you yet about the grape movie I'm making? Stars a grape. A vengeance-seeking concord. Harv Weinstein says it's gonna be big. BIG!!!
Nate Silver: There's a 99.9682 percent chance that Chris Murphy will replace Joe Lieberman in the U.S. Senate in 24 days.
Dick Morris: I'd love to take Tipper's little piggies wee wee wee all the way home.
JEERS to Alfred E. Koppel. Gives candidates not named Dean chance to blast Guv at point blank range in NH debate. All those who think he acted like a total dumbass, raise your hand.Bill in Portland Maine: For this ninth-anniversary Gray-ray post, we actually edited out an insensitive term for women and replaced it with a more appropriate and updated term. Big, big thanks to Industrial Light and Magic for making it look so seamless above. As for the debate: Koppel asked the candidates to "raise your hand if you believe that Dean can beat Bush." Kucinich then said something to Koppel like, "Some of the best talent in American politics is on this stage right now, so fuck you." Buh-yang!
CHEERS to Dennis Kucinich for Ted Koppel slapdown. No wonder the
broadsbattle axes are coming out of the woodwork for this Ohio hottie (but can they go vegan?)
CHEERS to Carol Moseley Braun, for opting out of the Dean bloodbath at debate. Classy
broadbattle axe, don'tcha know.
Martin Scorsese: When I made "New York, New York" we scattered the term "broads" like buckshot. I guess now it's back to the editing room for another director's cut.
Nate Silver: Wow---I predicted with 99 percent certainty that you would've gone with "dames" instead of battle axes.
Dick Morris: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Nate got something wrong! Nate got something wrong!
JEERS to Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney. Slaughters 70 pre-caught game birds on "hunting" expedition. As if we needed more proof that his heart was removed long ago...Bill in Portland Maine: Then he got tired of shooting helpless birds in the ass and moved on to shooting helpless lawyers in the face.
Martin Scorsese: I shook hands with Cheney once. White House gig. You could never quite grasp his hand. It was like your hand was passing through his, but he pulled his hand back before you could get a chance to test your hypothesis that you were shaking hands with a hologram. I swear he flickered once or twice.
Nate Silver: I eat hypotheses for breakfast. With two dozen raw eggs and a quart of gingko biloba juice.
Dick Morris: I just tweeted your fucked-up "dames" prediction. #NateFuckedUp is trending!
CHEERS to Supremes for upholding parts of McCain/Feingold bill. Sure it's a Band-Aid, but at least now it's got some real stick to it.Bill in Portland Maine: No idea what that was about, but…rah rah whatever. I hope Russ runs for something again.
Martin Scorsese: Russ was an excellent leader of The Supremes.
Nate Silver: That's Ross, not Russ. And he's talkin' about the Supremes, not The Supremes.
Dick Morris: Thanks for favoriting my tweet, Nate!
CHEERS and a fond farewell to Senator Paul Simon. Some of the current occupants of The Chamber could take a lesson or two from him...but they're too dumb. Memo to Smithsonian: snag one of those bow ties!Bill in Portland Maine: I always liked Paul Simon. Just an all-around good guy.
Martin Scorsese: I did too. "Kodachrome" still makes me weep. Mama snatched it right out of his hands and he never forgot…or forgave.
Nate Silver: I think this room's running out of oxygen. Did you pay your ventilation bill?
Dick Morris: Sean Hannity has a toe that looks like West Virginia. I'll tell you which one for money.
JEERS to George W. Bush's "spontaneous" appearance during Larry King Live show. Walk-on during end of Laura interview reveals hopelessly inarticulate boob. No Red Ryder BB gun for you, pal, until you learn how to say "Merry Christmas" without gritting your teeth.Bill in Portland Maine: You can check the transcript: George W. Bush actually told Larry King that his wife Laura's decorating was "a heck of a good job." Ouch. What a dry drunk.
Martin Scorsese: [Zzzzzzz….]
Nate Silver: Hey, Bill. You lost Marty.
Dick Morris: You don’t think he'd mind if I…y'know…
CHEERS to Al Gore for showing true cojones in Dean nod. Veep understands that the only way to break out of Democratic party complacency is to shake, shake, SHAKE things up. Beltway bluster proves he's right on.Bill in Portland Maine: Gore was right---and god bless him for seeing enough potential of the grassroots and even the budding netroots to turbo-charge it. I shook his hand once. It was sweaty. That's a sign of high brain activity.
Martin Scorsese: I've heard that! I've heard that! That's why I insisted that Willem Dafoe always have sweaty palms in "Last Temptation." And that sweat is all Dafoe sweat---he liked to do his own stunts.
Nate Silver: The first time I met David Brooks at The New York Times he smelled like that smell you smell when you open a package of those plastic green army men. I've since learned that nothing gets rid of that smell, which is why he gets his own floor.
Dick Morris: Mitt Romney emits no odor whatsoever. Never. It's very strange. And coming from me that means something.
CHEERS to the Maine lobster industry. Another banner year is good year for butter industry. And bib makers!Bill in Portland Maine: We now have so many lobsters off the coast of Maine that pretty soon they'll be demanding their own representation in the legislature. And then it's just a matter of time before they introduce Crustaceancare. Fucking socialists.
Martin Scorsese: Spoiler alert: the grape gets blown up by a lobster in a sardine factory. Then we fade out to Clapton's "Layla."
Nate Silver: The probability of finding a blue-shelled lobster is one million to one. The probability of a lobster of any color being more accurate than Dick Morris in predicting election outcomes is one in one.
Dick Morris: Hardy har har, freakboy manchild.
Developing...Bill in Portland Maine I added that word at the end of the first few columns as a little dig at Drudge. Which reminds me of a funny story. Back in 1978...
Martin Scorsese: Goodbye. [ker-SLAM!!!]
Nate Silver: I'm outta here. [ker-SLAM!!!]
Dick Morris: Toodles. And mark my words: in 2016 it's Santorum in a landslide! [ker-SLAM!!!]
Bill in Portland Maine: Oh well. I guess it can wait 'til next year.