... of a love which seemed to be the best thing in my life?
Or have I been the same fool as some times before..?
Those and much more questions are on my mind these days..
I don‘t know where to start.
The last weeks it felt as if my hole life just breaks down.
And for outsiders it must have looked as everything goes very well - we got married in June this year in Iceland, just a few weeks after we found out that we‘re expecting..
and I thought that my biggest dream, which I had so long since I was a child, finally comes true. - The only thing in my life I never had but always wished was a family. - In just a few weeks my little daughter will be born - the basic facts look quite perfect.
But our problems between my husband and me grew bigger and bigger the last months - except some (short) good times. The last diary tells about our problems we still have (he is an alcoholic, US-veteran with PTSD and had almost every month this year phases when he didn‘t talk .. (drink, eat, ..), just sitting in his room at his PC. The last time it happened we arranged some things (f. e. that he gives me an explicit sign or short explanation that „something“ is wrong with him which has nothing to do with me so that I am informed and can leave him alone without asking any questions..)
But it didn‘t work.
I arranged an appointment for him with a psychologist where he goes more or less continously. This was his wish and he couldn‘t just make an appointment so I helped him.
But when he tells me that his biggest problems are the ones between us - I think this also didn‘t work.
I always have to put my own interests aside in those moments because someone has to take care for the dog etc. and I always have to be thoughtful and understand him. I try my best but it isn‘t easy when you know more or less nothing about what‘s wrong. However I think I do have respect for his situation.
But I have one problem that really bothers not just him but also me. This is - at least from his point of view - the only thing what‘s wrong with me. There were many times during the last year when I just wasn‘t able not to speak loud, tartly or even shout at him. Let‘s face the facts - this didn‘t work at all.
But it feels as if it is often not even noticed that I try to eliminate this - no matter how hard I try - until I finally revert in my ,old habits‘.
However one has to consider that my situation is not as easy as it may seem. I am also mental ill (for 1 1/2 years now without interruption), I am feeling easily overextended and the fact that I am pregnant doesn‘t make it easier (what only hormones make with you..). But as I said - my hole life seems to break down.
Two weeks ago I got to know that my beloved father is critically ill and seems to be dying. This makes me really sad because he is the last one (except for my half-sister) which meant to me a little bit of „family“ - although he wasn‘t often there when I was a child and although we don‘t know each other very well. I looked forward to see him with his granddaughter (maybe to see how he could have been as father).. He told me this summer, that he also looks forward to it (and this is very rare - that he speaks in the broadest sense about his feelings..).
But what makes me really feel bad is the fact that my husband seems to leave me alone in this time - in the almost darkest time in my life. Since I am pregnant he seems to have no understanding for my situation. And now when he also thinks that „he is going“ (my father) - my husband has one of those phases (described above) and doesn‘t give me that little sign we spoke about and reacts irritable, because I‘m asking what‘s wrong etc...
I just feel deeply saddened in those moments (not just because it‘s not that long ago, we swore that we will be there in good and in bad times..) and lonely. I don‘t want to blame him for feeling bad, I just wanted little support.
The latest thing I did, because I had to take care for myself (and for our unborn child) finally (not just because I had premature labor one day before) - I spontaneously visited my half-sister (which meant driving with my big belly 5 hours through the snowy countryside). After this day I felt a bit better, although I was (and am) still sad. And what did I find at home? - my husband with his best friend - the alcohol and lying to me..
I can‘t describe how I felt and still feel about all this sh*** in my life..
After not even a half year my husband takes our wedding ring off and does what he always did, when I was one day not at home - drinking.. and he makes it worse by lying to me.
I am not somebody who gives up too soon - quite the contrary - but yesterday (the day I came ,home‘) and still today I am not able to do anything - and am surprised I can write here at least..
I thought about going to „Pro Familia“ or other institutions. And I will, but hope is gone, unfortunately..
Some months ago, I suggested that we could go to an institution (psychologist or sth..) and lets get help. He even agreed and then - nothing happened (,because‘ it‘s too far to drive to the next big city ..) ...
Now it seems to me that the chance, we can manage those many problems, doesn‘t exist anymore.
And when I think about the future - about the fact that our little daughter will be born in some weeks - which I thought would be one of the best time in my life, some months ago - I feel myself stuck on a treadmill. How should this little being grow up....
Maybe everything sounds too pessimistic, maybe there is a chance for us, but in this moment I can‘t see it anymore. Maybe my thoughts about the future shouldn‘t be that bad - but after all those things happened I don‘t want to make the mistake of lying to myself for not being able to see reality as it is..?
- Who knows..? -