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I knew in my heart that the time would come when I would have to admit that I’m just plain tired of it all. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of being the strong one. I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m just plain tired of it all. I want … oh hell I don’t really know what I want at this point.

I have been going and going and going since the end of August when we lost my brother. I did his eulogy. I cleaned up the house after him. I tried to fix the screwed up finances he left behind. I have been as strong as I can for his only child who is shattered by his death. I cleaned up and cleaned out my parent’s home and got it up for sale.

I spent the last month or so since I got home trying to get my parents stories typed up and printed for my brothers and niece. I scanned in hundreds of photographs, some the family had never seen before and put them on discs for the family to see. I’ve designed my calendar and Christmas cards. I have done everything in my power to keep busy and try and not think about things.

Part of the problem is that I am angry. I am angry at my brother for not letting me know that he needed me up there to help him through the loneliness. I am angry that this would have been the first Christmas in years that he would be able to spend with his daughter and grandchildren. I am angry that circumstances beyond their control made it impossible for my siblings to help me get through the house. I am angry that my favorite Aunt passed away in June and I can no longer send her the calendars that she loved.

In typing up my Mom’s story I discovered that she had wanted me to have the personality of her oldest sister. Although she said she loved me dearly the fact that I didn’t have the calm and happy personality of her sister came through as her disappointment in me. Maybe you shouldn’t have had a daughter born under the sign of Aries Mom.

I miss being able to talk to my Dad and get his advice. Things would never have been so bad with my brother if my Dad were alive. He could knock sense into him. My Mom would have been able to knock sense into Mike. If I had known I would have been up there and knocked some sense into him.

While it was exciting to discover some of my Dad’s writings and some old photographs I sure wish he and Mom were around to tell me who some of these people were. I discovered my Dad’s old baseball gloves going back to when he was a teenager. I’ll distribute them among my brothers and niece.

I have a ton of pictures and slides to scan in and clean up. I have a ton more writing from both parents to transcribe. I have a lot to do and yet I am feeling so burned out that I don’t want to do anything. The thing I want to do most is just sit down and cry but that won’t help anything. I already have a respiratory infection caused by trying to clean a dusty, dirty, moldy old house. Crying would just make the congestion worse.

What I want is to have things the way they were. I want my Mom and Dad and brother Mike and Aunt Bird to be alive and well.  I want the past but the past is gone forever. I know I’ll bounce back but tonight I am just tired of it all. As the song says “make the world go away, get it off of my shoulders

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