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I keep trying, but I'm still on the boat.

I have pretty much everything in here packed up and sorted. I have the storage emptied and closed. I still feel like I have so much to do.  Pick up a lock. Put the hasp on the door. Fold and cover up the bed. Move the last sails in here from a friends storage room. Take out the trash. Load the car with the cat and stuff going with.

It seems like it should be so easy.  In other times it would be easy, like throwing together for an event - get it done, hit the road - party time!  

But not now.  Every rock and creak reminds me of the silent stillness of earth.  Folding up and covering the bed means I can't stay here comfortably anymore and really have to leave. Getting the sails in means there won't be room to be safe, to hold fast, to sail on through the storms and keep floating.

I have to maneuver my land yacht through mountains and snow and hail and rain.  I have to remember how to do this from years ago - when I was a different class, a different person - one who still had dreams that were more in line with everyone else.  I am not sure if I am really ready to go back on land.

Everything is so LOUD.  Cars and tires and engines and trolleys and cell phone chatter and bikes and too much movement and distraction.  The noise bleeds inside everything - the walls, the doors - the rooms are awash with it even when "quiet."  Everyone and everything is on a breakneck pace - racing toward nothing.  

I don't understand how people live like this.  I don't understand how I lived like that.  I'm having a really hard time heading back into it.  I have my excuses - shitty weather, passes are bad, I need confirmation of where I'm staying in Portland tonight if I get that far - (arranged, just waiting literally to hear the all clear - I don't want to show up and be unexpected) hard to shove the sails in the car to move them - excuses.  

Because I'm afraid to leave my home.

I went out for a bit and got the lock, the wiper fixed, the car gassed up, some dinner.  I have arranged help to move the sails in the morning and that will fill the place up - and we will have to go.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (10+ / 0-)

    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

    by Mortifyd on Mon Dec 17, 2012 at 01:18:46 PM PST

  •  Mortifyd, if you have ... (7+ / 0-)

    ... internet access tonight, would you let us know how things are going?

    In the meantime, I am holding you in my thoughts as you finish your preparations and start your journey.

     

  •  Traveling is never easy, and traveling away from (7+ / 0-)

    home is hard. I hadn't thought of the difference in noise between land and sea, but can easily imagine it now you write of it. Safe travels -



    Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? . . . and respect the dignity of every human being.

    by Wee Mama on Mon Dec 17, 2012 at 02:22:32 PM PST

  •  (((mortifyd))) (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    weck, Joy of Fishes, Mortifyd, ladybug53

    Keeping you in my thoughts hun. I know this is a difficult transition, but remember it's only temporary. And you and your kitty will be so much warmer for the winter. And that will give you all spring summer and fall to prepare for next winter.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Mon Dec 17, 2012 at 02:45:03 PM PST

    •  that's what I'm afraid - it won't be temporary (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      FloridaSNMOM

      I don't want to get stuck down there and never see my home again.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Mon Dec 17, 2012 at 07:51:37 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I know. (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Mortifyd

        But remember that your plan isn't their plan. You have goals, short term goals, and long term goals, and all of those are focused towards the ultimate goal of you getting back home. But the first short term goal has to be, at this point, moving back in with your parents. That's what you decided was the best moved at this point. Move back, get a job, save money, be able to move back home in a better position to fix the boat and do what you want to do. Right?

        "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

        by FloridaSNMOM on Tue Dec 18, 2012 at 04:16:43 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  you really don't understand (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          FloridaSNMOM

          I can make all the plans I want - they don't care.  MY plans are not important.  They have sabotaged jobs for me - all kinds of things - throughout my life.  There will be a battle of wills to see if I get to leave and come home or not.

          They are angry I left home in the first place.  I wasn't supposed to leave apparently, I was supposed to stay and be there for them.  What I want, need, hope for - none of that matters at all - they are still pissed I moved out and dared to try and have my own life.

          Now that I'm sick, I have to come home and they will still try and make me stay there to care for THEM.  Not for me - for them.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Tue Dec 18, 2012 at 07:25:51 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  So part of your plan (0+ / 0-)

            has to be ways to keep them from doing that. Let them think you are content to stay there and work, meanwhile save up. Don't argue with them about it, don't discuss your plans with them, just work and save. Then when you have enough saved (and the cash in hand so they can't take it from you) THEN you sit down and thank them for their support, but that you think it's time to move on and not be a burden to them. And you move out. If they don't know your plans, they can't sabotage them.

            "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

            by FloridaSNMOM on Tue Dec 18, 2012 at 10:31:33 AM PST

            [ Parent ]

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