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Armed guards at every school aren't enough. Teachers need flame throwers. Every kid gets a squirt gun full of kerosene and we teach them to bum-rush shooters (only the kids who score a 90% or higher on the new NCLB testing section on school shooting defense, though). Schools that don't meet the new NCLB section proficiency fall under the for-profit management of the new NRA charter school program: Red Dawn.

Red Dawn Schools would have a hyper-focused curriculum that takes the weakest links -- public-school children who can't score well on the School Shooting Defense section of state standardized testing -- and throws out their IEPs, 504 plans, revitalizing education with shooting ranges (replacing physical education), metallurgy (cleaning guns = science) and ammo counts (there's your math).

Kids who score at the proficient level and stay in their neighborhood schools get armored backpacks, state-issued kerosene squirt guns, and worksheets that cover key concepts such as "You'll Shoot Yer Eye Out, Kid" (gun safety); "It's Just a Flesh Wound!" (what to do when the armed guard's gun jams -- honor roll earns you a 7" knife!); and "Go Ahead -- Make My Day" (social skills and bullying).

If children at the Red Dawn Schools, after one year, retake the proficiency tests in school shooting defense and still cannot score at 90% or above, they are entered into a Hunger-Games-like tournament. Private citizens and corporate sponsors, as well as non-profit lobbying groups, can choose to bestow children in the games with extra guns and ammunition. Children receiving such gifts will be required to turn the logos toward the cameras, even in death. Failure to do so will result in having their gun pried from their cold, dead hands.

The NRA charter school program won't be limited to K-6, though. Modeled on the wildly-popular "Music Together" program that successfully spread music theory to the 0-5 crowd, the "Janie's Got a Gun (and I want one too!)" early childhood education program will market to funding-strapped Early Childhood Education centers nationwide, spreading a curriculum that teaches toddlers how to take down a bad man with an M16, and offers parents discount coupons on armored onesies.

Parents need not worry about their child's personal safety, for in addition to each course being manned by trained Doomsday Preppers, Buckyballs are strictly banned from all classrooms.

For more information on these new education initiatives, please contact Ima Ouakadudy at the NRA's Education Development Office at 1-800-NEWTOWN

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