Every Christmas brings the same frustrating question: what do you get the man who has everything? So it is with Wayne LaPierre, the executive vice president of the National Rifle Association. After all, for two decades, the NRA has gotten almost everything it wanted, including an end to the national assault weapons ban, a Justice Department prohibition on searching background check records for known terrorism suspects and limitations to ATF gun traces.
But that doesn't mean LaPierre or his NRA are sated by any means. So here are just a few of the gifts you can get for Wayne LaPierre for Christmas before he pries them from Santa's cold, dead hands.
The Jack-Booted Hugs Act. In 1995, LaPierre famously denounced federal law enforcement agents as "jack-booted government thugs." In the wake of the Newtown massacre, he's apparently had a change of heart. Now, he'd like at least one in each of the nation's 100,000-plus schools to "to make sure that blanket of safety is in place when our children return to school in January." As for the minimum estimated cost of $5 billion a year, LaPierre would happily redirect 10 percent of the annual U.S. foreign aid budget to pay for it:
With all the foreign aid, with all the money in the federal budget, we can't afford to put a police officer in every school?The Individual Mandate. No doubt, the NRA would love to see an individual mandate. Not for health insurance, but for every American to own either a gun or at least a bulletproof vest or comparable body armor. After all, while it is better to give than receive, why not improve your odds of surviving when you're on the receiving end?
To help hard-working American families offset this cost of protecting their Second Amendment rights, LaPierre would repeal the Affordable Care Act. (That this would increase and not reduce the national debt is another discussion.) As President Bush, Mitch McConnell and Mitt Romney all explained, "People have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room." Especially if you've been shot. (Please note that head wounds will be considered a pre-existing condition.)
"Choose Life" Firearm Accessories. Leaders like Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich couldn't agree more with Wayne LaPierre's assertion that our "moral failings," and not guns, were behind the Newtown slaughter. This is simply what happens when "we've ordered God out of our schools" and "when you have an anti-religious, secular bureaucracy and secular judiciary seeking to drive God out of public life."
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That's why "Choose Life" firearms accessories are the perfect stocking stuffer for anyone packing heat. "Who Would Jesus Shoot?" rifle scopes, "Pearly Gates" pistol grips, "Choose Life" holsters and monogrammed Uzis from Israel (also known as "God's chosen submachine gun") are just of the items you can order from Christian Soldier of Fortune magazine.
The Dick Cheney Lawsuit Prevention Act. Thanks to the 2005 Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act pushed by the NRA and signed by President Bush, victims of criminal violence have virtually no legal recourse against gun manufacturers and resellers. But now, new proposed legislation would not only shield you from any liability if you accidentally shoot your friend in the face, but require that he or she publicly apologize to you for inadvertently blocking the path of your buckshot. The draft Don’t Stand in His Ground Law includes a mea culpa like the one Harry Whittington offered by getting in Dick Cheney’s line of fire:
“My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week."The Nuclear Disarmament Rearmament Act. For almost 20 years, the Cooperative Threat Reduction program (also known as Nunn-Lugar) has helped safeguard and dismantle nuclear weapons in the former Soviet Union. But that initiative has cost American taxpayers billions of dollars, while denying law-abiding supporters of the Second Amendment access to the best deterrent money can buy.
The Nuclear Disarmament Rearmament Act would address both injustices by letting NRA members purchase the surplus thermonuclear devices from the old Soviet arsenal. Would-be burglars will think twice when homeowners have their own independent nuclear capability. And as ground-breaking research by the Cato Institute and the Heritage Foundation shows, crime would be reduced in neighborhoods where every family had their own SS-18 long-range missile with multiple warheads.
The Faith-Based Firearms Act. Many Republicans legislators don't just want teachers to carry guns to school; some support concealed carry laws for churches as well. Apparently, if men of the cloth were also men of cold steel, the assassination of Dr. George Tiller at Wichita's Reformation Lutheran Church or the murders of three people at the First Congregational Church of Neosho, Missouri might have been prevented.
The Altar Boy Armaments Act. Of course, given the clergy sex abuse scandals which have plagued so many dioceses around the country, the idea of pistol-packing priests could produce its own blowback. So, parents, don't get mad, get even. With the youngest worshippers legally packing heat in His House, it will be the altar boys telling their would-be tormenters to "get on your knees."
The Fetal Firearms Act. Long a favorite of LaPierre's, the Fetal Firearms Act would let fetuses carry concealed weapons in the womb. The goal, long-time advocate Rick Santorum insists, is to let innocent life protect itself.
Now, all of these ideas may sound crazy. But one person's crazy is another's ideal holiday gift. As Wayne LaPierre put it on Sunday:
"If it's crazy to call for putting police in and securing our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,"