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If I were Obama I'd offer Boehner a cigarette and then handcuff myself to him and then leap off the fiscal cliff like in Lethal Weapon.

I'll let it slide for now, but the minute it's 2013, you all had best stop doing things "Gangnam Style."

The new ad line for Trojan condoms, "You can't wait to get it on." Okay, let's back this up jussst a minute..

The person who edits out sex and language from movies on basic cable is as soul-dead as any Nazi.

I go to Denny's and order one onion ring. And when they bring it, I hold it up and tell them this is the one ring that rules them all.

Botox makes it possible for old people to look like strange, rickety Cabbage Patch Kids.

Remember, we’re all in this together. Just some of us are on the bottom.

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