As has been my practice for several years, I pause to reflect, but this time is different.
I'm tired, bone tired.
I am worried for my beloved spouse.
I am worried for my country.
I am worried for the students I teach.
Not necessarily in that order.
This week's Saturday morning reflection may not be coherent or cogent, although I will attempt to keep it from devolving into stream of consciousness.
If you decide it is not for you, I will understand.
But perhaps what I share can be of some value for someone who might encounter these words.
So I invite you to continue reading beneath the fold.
Let me start with the personal, my beloved spouse Leaves on the Current. She does not know that I am going to share any of this, and may be upset that I have, but she is the center of my universe because we have been together for more than 38 years. I could not have become a teacher had she not been willing to make some sacrifices to her own dreams to empower mine.
Right now her life is defined by pain, excruciating pain. It began with pain in a shoulder, which turned out to be shingles. It has spread into back pain that is now almost totally debilitating. Despite several months of treatment including physical therapy twice a week there has been no significant improvement. That creates worry and panic, and she takes that into her body, which makes things worse. Without providing details I am responsible for some of the worry, for which I am more than sorry, although I have been forgiven - and no, I did not have an affair. But simple things are difficult or impossible for her, so I must rearrange time and activities to enable her to get through a single day, to assist her, to comfort her. I do not at all mind, but I worry for her, and want to find a way to take her pain away from her and into myself, but so far cannot.
I took Tuesday off to accompany her to her physician, and she and I know that this will be a time-consuming and stepwise approach to trying to help her get better.
I worry about my students. I now know them fairly well, except for the two who joined me this past week. I know their fears and doubts. I know things about their families. I know that the school is because of test scores in some jeopardy, even though test scores are far from a meaningful indicator of what we are doing for them.
I worry that we will not be able to help them build the confidence and trust they need to persist. I worry that some are staying rooted to patterns of behavior that are destructive.
Monday was a very difficult day - we expected it, because after 16 days away they were not in their routine of school. I was not really prepared for how wild some of them would be. And yet that was not as bad as Thursday, when I had two students suspended for telling me to F*&k Off, and one for coming into my class and starting to pummel another students. All three were female, all three have histories of issue of emotional control, all 3 incidents took place within a 30 minute period of two different classes.
I had a discussion Monday, after that very difficult day, with our director of academics, the woman who recruited me for this position, who was my first principal back in 1995-96. I was feeling down that I could not see the difference I was making. She told me how she knew I was making a difference, and reminded me of that first year, when I also came in during the middle of the year. I had come in on a Friday, and around Thursday of the next week I mentioned to the woman in the room next to me that I didn't think I was going to be successful, and Pat Dye told me she could already hear the difference through the wall - the level of noise and disorder was already going down. I couldn't perceive that.
Yesterday our dean of discipline and I discussed a student, whom we called over to us and I got the student to acknowledge that despite multiple chances to complete it he blew off the test yesterday. After the student left the dean told me that I had just seen a major improvement. The student had acknowledged what he had down, even though he was not showing any regret or concern. Last year that student had led the school in days suspended. In the 6 weeks or so since I took over the teaching he has not been suspended, and has only had to be removed from my room once.
So on the one hand I am apparently making a difference, but it is hard for me to see, and I worry that there is not enough time.
I was ready to admit failure on Monday - had our internal network not been down so that I could not send a message to our assistant principal, I'm not sure that I would not have left in the middle of that first period. I felt exhausted, failing, knowing that I needed not to be so drained from school that I could not be fully present for Leaves on the Current, wondering if I should not give up other activities so I could give her all the support she needs.
Leaves knows me. Even with my exhaustion and frustration she knows that being with students - no matter how difficult - brings me alive. If at all possible she wants me staying in a classroom.
If at all possible.
A classroom.
Not necessarily this classroom.
It is clear to me that while I can be a very good middle school teacher, I am a far better high school teacher. It suits me better.
So I have begun to explore other possibilities - for next year.
Unless my spouse's condition deteriorates, I will finish the year doing what I can to help my students.
Who knows, I might not find a high school position for next year.
I might be back in the same classroom next year.
As always, with the responsibilities I have before me, even when I have doubts, I will try to make a difference.
I worry about my country.
Perhaps because I have been in three incidents involving guns, I desperately want to see us take advantage of this moment to change our gun culture before more people unnecessarily die or get badly hurt.
We have leaders who understand this personally.
Diane Feinstein heard the shots, went to the body of Harvey Milk, tried to take his pulse and her finger slipped into a bullet hole. As President of the Supervisors she became Mayor because of the death of George Moscone. She had to announce to the news media and the public what had happened when Dan White lost it and killed Moscone and Milk. It is one reason she has forcefully advocated for an assault weapons ban.
Ron Barber was there when Gabby Giffords was shot, when young Christina-Taylor Green and the others were killed. When Gabby had to give up her seat, Barber as her chief of staff ran for the position and succeeded her.
Jackie Speier was an aide to Rep. Leo Ryan and was at the airport when their party was attacked and Ryan killed. She played dead, and despite being shot 5 times survived, albeit with 2 bullets still in her body.
And then there is my friend Carolyn McCarthy, whose husband and son were shot by Colin Ferguson, the gunman on the Long Island Railroad. Her husband died, her son almost died, and for a long time she had to care for him and his daily needs. Fortunately he recovered, married and made her a grandmother Carolyn has been perhaps the most persistent voice in Congress on Gun Control for the 8 terms she has already served.
Here we have three House Members and a Senator who have seen gun violence up close, who can testify from personal experience of the negative impact of our gun culture, and yet the response to any discussion of sensible gun control is obscene - the NRA brags that its membership is soaring, sales of weapons like the AR-15 Bushmaster used in Newtown are off the charts, and some police forces cannot buy the ammunition they need for their officers to use to practice and maintain their skills. Gun "advocates" offer inflammatory rhetoric that could lead to actual targeting of visible voices for gun control - I do not discount that possibility, given how many irrational people have access to guns, and given the history of people targeting those who have been the subject of such rhetoric.
I do not know if I might be targeted. I write here. I have already been interviewed by one Virginia radio station, and this weekend may be interviewed by another.
I do not see any justification for ordinary persons to have weapons with a muzzle velocity of 3000 feet per second, like the AR-15, which I have fired when I was in the Marines so I know its capabilities.
I see no rational purpose in any ordinary person needing to be able to fire more than ten rounds without reloading. If in hunting or self defense purposes you cannot achieve your goal with ten rounds, then I question whether you should have possession of any firearm.
I compared the two most recent school shootings - in Newtown he could fire many times without reloading. In California he fired the two rounds in his shotgun but never reloaded, despite the 20 additional rounds in his pocket. What if he had a weapon with the ability to fire 20 rounds without reloading, what might the damage have been?
I do not want more guns in schools. The shotgun shooter was stopped not by a gun, but by a teacher who talked him down.
I do not want to live in a society where one never knows - in a mall, a school, a church, a bar - the person next to me might be carrying a semi-automatic pistol with 19 rounds (easily obtainable) - or more than one person, so that if something starts we all risk being caught in a crossfire.
I remember that in Tucson a man experienced with firearms came out of the store when he heard the shots, unholstered his weapon, took the safety off and was about to fire when fortunately he realized the man at whom he was aiming had the gun not because he was the shooter but because he had taken it away from Loughner.
I am tired.
I am also old.
Most of all I am sad, I am sorrowful.
I am sorrowful for the tragedy of gun violence that seems despite our national outrage to continue unabated. I hope I am wrong, I fear I am not.
I am sorrowful that I cannot do more for my students. My time and energy is insufficient to make up for all the pain and hurt with which many arrive. And I cannot make them learn, I can only try again and again and again. I can seek the advice of others, try different things. But the time and energy I have available seems likely to remain insufficient.
I am sorrowful most of all for what my beloved Leaves on the Current is now enduring. Al my other concerns pale in comparison to that. I wish I could wave a magic wand. I would gladly carry all of her pain so that she could more fully enjoy her life. I am limited in what I can do for her.
I am beginning to let go of some other commitments and opportunities because Leaves must come first.
I am passing on an invitation to a celebration at Google's headquarters.
I have declined a free pass as a prominent Virginia blogger to attend the Virginia Inauguration Ball.
I am probably going to cancel my plans to attend an important conference of progressive educators next month - since it is fully booked I will turn over my attendance so someone else can attend. I do not think I can plan on being away from Leaves for several days.
If I attend Netroots Nation, it will likely be for only one day, to participate in a panel I am helping organize, that would have been to be on Saturday because of the schedule of the other participants. If that panel is selected, I will make every attempt to participate, although I would be the least important person there.
Of course that panel might not be selected, so the issue might be moot.
You may have notice that I post far less frequently nowadays. When I do, I do not comment as much on the threads, although I do read all the comments.
We have so many things before us we must address.
I am finding my priorities changing.
My first priority is Leaves on the Current.
My second priority is my students.
I am tired.
I worry about the future.
But I am not going to give up.
Perhaps I can convince one more person we need to change our gun culture.
Perhaps as our academic dean said as his goal, I can save one more child this year.
Perhaps I can ease some of the pain and shorten the recovery of Leaves on the Current.
It is Saturday.
I have lesson plans to do.
I have tests to grade.
I owe a book review.
I have a deadline for a posting about a forthcoming educational policy belief.
I will do all of those. I will find the time.
But I will gladly help Leaves on the Current with whatever she needs.
Here's the real truth of who I am.
I am shy, flawed, full of self-doubt, painfully aware of the wrongs and damages I have done.
In the 38+ years we have been together I have never doubted the love Leaves gives me, even when I have doubted my own ability to give or receive love.
I know that I probably would not be alive without her love.
I view serving her not as an obligation, but as an honor and a privilege.
Thanks for reading.
Peace.