Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is scheduled to give his annual "State of the State" address tonight inside the Wisconsin Capitol's Assembly chambers.
Very unreliable sources have provided me with an advance copy of his planned speech. Sorry that it has a lot of "inside Wisconsin" references, but even if some parts are confusing, it's quite shocking.
To lobbyists, Republican legislators except Dale Schultz, job creators, Christians, and potential donors to my criminal defense fund: Welcome. To everyone else: Who let you in? Hey, just kidding. I’m a moderate now.
Excuse me for just one moment while I send out a quick tweet. “at…the…capitol…..doing…governor…stuff”
Before we get started, we would like to remind you that we will be passing donation baskets throughout the Assembly chambers during the address. Please give generously, and may I say to those of you visiting from California – and stop me if you’ve heard this one - even though your football teams beat our Badgers and the Packers recently, we promise not to lose track of your donations, unlike the taxpayer-funded loans that were supposed to be tracked by WEDC.
But seriously, folks…who came up with the name Wee Dick? What’s up with that?
It’s great to be here, but if the Milwaukee County District Attorney shows up, you didn’t see me, OK? Wink, wink.
I’d like to thank Capitol Police Chief David Erwin for providing security for tonight’s gathering. Some of you may not know this, but Chief Erwin was my bodyguard before he was demoted to Police Chief. How many nights in February, 2011 did we spend hiding out in the governor’s conference room acting out scenes from the movie “The Bodyguard”, right David? “You be Whitney Houston this time! No, you be Whitney…”. Good times.
It’s good to see Lieutenant Governor Kleefisch is here. Where’s your husband? Oh, there he is under the table. Thank you for shaving today, Joel.
OK, let’s get down to business. We all know why we were sent here to Madison. To divide and conquer! I mean, to create jobs. We are closing in on my promise of 250,000 new jobs in my first term.
Oh, sorry, I misread that. We are closing all discussion of my promise of 250,000 new jobs in my first term.
On to more important issues. What can you say about iron ore strip mining that hasn’t been said already?
Speaking of mountaintops, today would have been Martin Luther King, Jr.’s 84th birthday. Since we’re all here anyway, waddya say we honor Dr. King by passing the mining bill right now and see what happens? All in favor? The ayes have it!
Education. Not my strongest subject, but here goes. Picture this: vouchers.
Thank you all for coming. We will now adjourn to the basement for a light supper of hot ham and rolls. On your way down, please enjoy the strains of the Solidarity Singers, who will be performing a tribute to Wisconsin’s job creation ranking last year with a medley of tunes from 42nd Street. The Wisconsin Attorney General has informed me that it’s legal to punch them if you wish.
Good night everybody! Please remember to tip your State Senator.