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I try to admit  when I was wrong. And I was wrong about you guys. Since we're all going to watch Ronald Reagan inaugurate his ninth term tomorrow, I thought it would be a great time to come clean. You Republicans did it. You absolutely dominated presidential politics for the last three decades, because your policies worked. No question.

Even Reagan himself - how good he looks for his age (What is he, 102 years old?). It's a testament to your genius. When you announced massive deregulation of the healthcare industry in this country, I thought it was a terrible idea. I thought it would result in a nation of desperately poor sick people filling up our emergency rooms so pharmaceutical companies could gouge us. I didn't understand that when you just get the government off people's backs, you unleash productivity. The results are the kind of powerful, cheap technologies that can keep us all alive well into our second century. Wow! It's just like with your other deregulation measures. We now have full employment, great housing, and a middle-class standard of living that's the best in the world. Tomorrow I'm taking a trip to Disneyworld-Kabul in my new Chrysler Patriot - it's a flying car that runs entirely on gumption. Imagine that. I'm going to celebrate by listening to that new Peggy Noonan book on the Pope; the neural-speakers that beam her words directly into your head come standard. What a country! I don't mind admitting my mistakes. Because you and the Gipper have done so much good for us all.

Many of your ideas were counterintuitive to me; that's why I resisted them I guess. I didn't think if you let everyone carry a loaded firearm and stockpile automatic weapons it could possibly be safe for our parks and schools. I didn't think we could continue a policy of military intervention all over the world without creating a security nightmare. I didn't think you could lower taxes without massive deficits. I didn't believe global warming would go away on its own, or that women would be happier if we repealed Roe v. Wade. And I definitely didn't think we could cure gay people with the power of prayer.

I am perfectly willing to admit I was nuts. Nuts about all this. You people in the GOP were smarter than I was. And to my friends in the Democratic party, who will watch the inauguration of our first half-android president with nothing but bitterness and a determination to sabotage the government... I just want to say this:

You've been losing, because you're out of touch. You need to face facts. You need to live in the real world, not this ideological fantasy you've created. You need to grow the hell up.


NOTE: Please read more of my stuff, like how I'm a bizarre minor character in Tina Fey's book, or The Clarifications Of Pat Robertson - A Celebration. Or you can pay 99 cents and buy my bizarre love story about life in a fashion magazine, which is kinda sorta the true story of how I married my wife (Kindle/Nook).

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