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Look, it's time to grow up. I know you want to get an AR-15 without a background check, plus a huge magazine so you can stop government bad guys and be a Wolverine. You've been asking for months. But those things are dangerous. You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

You're not really defending your freedoms. No serious adult thinks that. The United States has the largest, most powerful military in the entire history of the world. And it is led by a group of people who live in fear of bad poll numbers. Do you understand this? Do you see how your militia group does not even begin to pose the kind of threat to the political structure that a guy with a camera or a website or a couple of incriminating documents does? I mean, it's fun to pretend at war, but it doesn't do any good, and people are getting hurt. You will really shoot your eye out. I mean it.

Have you looked at statistics from the CDC? Homicide by firearm and suicide by firearm are each in the top five causes of death for 2010. And in 2006 and 2007, they were each in the top five causes of injury death. We'd know more, but the NRA has been trying to suppress research into gun injuries and fatalities for years. Just like they have been fighting to prevent the ATF from computerizing gun records and making the FBI destroy information on background checks after 24 hours. They won't even let the ATF make dealers keep an inventory. Those dudes want to keep you from knowing how unsafe guns are. But it's clear that fighting tyranny with Charlene at your side is much, much less likely than plain old shooting your eye out.

Is any of this reaching you? The NRA wants you to romanticize guns. They want you to think that with your assault rifle, you're standing guard against some sort of federal conspiracy. But the thing that stops public officials from doing what they want is the thought of losing an election. I've lost a couple of them myself, and it stings like a bastard. The true source of the NRA's political power  - lobbying and fundraising - is the perfect demonstration of how irrelevant their cause really is. Everything else is fun and games. And you know what they say about fun and games... they stop the moment someone shoots his goddamn eye out.

How 'bout a pony?

NOTE: Please read more of my stuff, like how I'm a bizarre minor character in Tina Fey's book, or The Clarifications Of Pat Robertson - A Celebration. Or you can pay 99 cents and buy my bizarre love story about life in a fashion magazine, which is kinda sorta the true story of how I married my wife (Kindle/Nook). Special thanks to SMB for development and support.

Originally posted to www.goblinbooks.com on Mon Jan 21, 2013 at 09:31 AM PST.

Also republished by Repeal or Amend the Second Amendment (RASA).

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