Guys, what the hell? Seriously, what are you thinking?
I'm sitting here, minding my own business, trying to attract tourists to come enjoy my beautiful architecture, my incredible landscaping... and I'm really, really hoping we can get past, y'know. The other stuff.
But then you come out with this new bill to change the way we count votes in the state. It ruins everything. It makes me wish I could just get swallowed by a sinkhole.
Did you know I was the birthplace of William Henry Harrison?
This plan counts the votes of Obama supporters, or Democrats, or "urban people" - Have I used the right code words here? Do we know who we're talking about? - less than other Virginians.
But you need to do the actual math. No one on your side - at least I hope no one on your side - has crunched the numbers. Last election, Barack Obama won 51.16% of the vote.
Under the new bill he would have won four of the states 13 electoral votes.
And do you know how much it counts an Obama voter as? (It's 4/13 divided by 51.16%. I'll wait. Do it. Get a calculator. You'll crap yourself.)
IT IS ALMOST EXACTLY THREE FIFTHS.
This bill counts an Obama voter as 3/5 of a person. I don't know if that fraction rings a bell with you. It was kind of a big deal, way back when. Women in
fancy dresses, guys in gray - a lot of gray was in style. Is the light coming on now?
I'm the birthplace of the first Thanksgiving, and I'm just trying to be a big,
pretty historically significant house in America. No one is going to remember
that now. Thanks, rednecks.
NOTE: Please read more of my stuff, like how I'm a bizarre minor character in Tina Fey's book, or The Clarifications Of Pat Robertson - A Celebration. Or you can pay 99 cents and buy my bizarre love story about life in a fashion magazine, which is kinda sorta the true story of how I married my wife (Kindle/Nook).