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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

The Week Ahead

Monday President Obama straps on Jetpack One and flies to Minneapolis to talk about the need for new gun safety laws. At the same time, NRA chief Wayne LaPierre checks the latest gun and ammo manufacturer profit statements and talks to their CEOs about giving him a raise.

Vice President Joe Biden meets with French President Francois Hollande in Paris. Paul Ryan pours French dressing on his salad in the House cafeteria.

Punxsutawney Pothead comes out of his hole and predicts "whatever Phil said, man."

Rachel Maddow Show screen grab with Hillary in the background with
Tuesday: After a brief misunderstanding, Hillary's
Daily Kos account and mojo are restored.
Tuesday The Securities and Exchange Commission convenes a roundtable to discuss creation of a program to "address the economic consequences of increasing or decreasing minimum tick sizes." Things get off to a rough start when the chairman arrives with his socks pulled up over his pant legs.

Forecasters predict National Weatherman's Day will blow over within 24 hours, followed by an 80 percent chance of lingering National Weatherman's Day hangovers.

Wednesday President Obama attends the Democratic Senate caucus retreat in Annapolis.  First order of business: agreeing to rename future retreats something other than a retreat.

In New Zealand, folks look at their wall calendars and wish each other a happy Waitangi Day. In the United States, folks look at their wall calendars and wish each other a befuddled "What The Hell Is 'Waitangi Day (NZ)'?" Day.

Thursday Harry Reid announces a handshake deal with Mitch McConnell to not do any more handshake deals, which McConnell promptly breaks by agreeing to a handshake deal with Harry Reid to continue doing handshake deals.

Weekly jobless claims are announced. As usual, the #1 claim is: "Ain't got no job."

Friday House Speaker John Boehner passes meaningful legislation. Naw, I'm just shittin' ya. He's off somewhere warm golfing.

Punxsutawney Paranoid sees Obama's shadow and predicts four more years of tyranny.

Light refreshments will be served in the break room.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 4, 2013

Note: When I'm sent to the old age home in 2052 and I tell the nurses I used to blog at Daily Kos, they'll nod politely and then jab me with a needle.  Moments later I'll have my first up-close experience with unicorns.  File this under: fearless predictions.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the State of the Union address: 8
Days 'til the E-Fest indoor electric-flying festival in Champaign, Illinois: 5
Current size of America's cattle and calf herd: 89.3 million
The last year the cattle herd was that low: 1952
(Source: National Agricultural Statistics Service)
Year by which the U.S. is expected to become the world's #1 oil producer: 2017
(Source: Harper's Index)
The first year in which a cabinet nominee---Roger Taney, picked by Andrew Jackson for Treasury---was rejected by the Senate: 1834
Amount Newt Gingrich still owes in campaign debt, including $1 million for Moby Dick Airways: $4.7 million
(Source: FEC)

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NEW!  California Dreamin'

Brought to you by the 2013 Netroots Nation Convention in San Jose, June 20-23.  So what is this San Jose place all about, anyway?  The city is glad you asked

San Jose is leading the world in solar technology, alternative fuels, new transportation systems, efficient lighting and energy monitoring systems innovation.  San Jose successfully pioneered many commonplace environmental activities, from curbside recycling to its urban growth boundary.  In fact, San Jose is the number one recycler among the nation's largest cities, and in keeping with the City’s Green Vision, many of our meeting facilities, hotels, restaurants and wineries---even our airport---offer sustainable practices.
Okay.  You got my attention.

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  And the top breed in America is…an excellent choice.

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CHEERS and JEERS to maintaining altitude…but only 10 feet off the ground.  Fresh jobs numbers from the Bureau of People Who Piss Off Jack Welch are out. take a look:

Employment graph including January, 2013 and adjusted bars for November and December 2012.
The bad news: the rate at which people are unemployed rose to 7.9 percent.  The good news: one of them is still Mitt Romney.

CHEERS to furry fortunetellers.  Let's take a spin and find out how the various groundhogs did Saturday morning:

Groundhog showing teeth
Staten Island Chuck: Early spring!
Wiarton Willie (Ontario): Early spring!
Buckeye Chuck (Marion, OH): Early spring!
Punxsutawney Phil (Gobblers Knob, PA): Early spring!
Groundhog Jimmy (Sun Prairie, WI): Early spring!
General Beauregard Lee (Lilburn, GA): Six more weeks of winter
Verdict: The General is not a team player.

CHEERS to #1.  On February 4, 1789, George Washington---whom today's right-wingers would despise because he preferred bowing to shaking hands---clinched the presidency with 69 electoral votes.  Upon hearing the news, he said his feelings were "...not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution."  His first official act: providing all Americans equal access to quality mattresses at low low discount prices, a February tradition that lives on to this day.

Etch A Sketch with Mitt Romney saying
Shake Shake Shake...
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CHEERS to a well-drawn life.  Sad news to report, I'm afraid.  The inventor of the Etch-A-Sketch---a popular children's toy and GOP presidential campaign re-setter---has died at 86.  Andre Cassagnes was known for his magnetic personality and knobby knees.  I believe I speak for everyone when I say we're all pretty shaken up about it.  Which kinda sucks, because I was this close to finishing my Etch-A-Sketch reproduction of the Mona Lisa.  [Sigh.]

CHEERS to compassionate liberalism.  Twenty years ago today, on February 4, 1993, Congress approved the Family and Medical Leave Act, giving employees unpaid leave in the event of a birth or a medical emergency in their family.  President Clinton signed it into law after doing something the D.C. establishment considers radical: he read it.

CHEERS to the gift that just kept on giving. Happy birthday to former Vice President Dan Quayle, who turns 66 today.  He certainly wasn't an evil vice president like Dick Cheney, but I still want to see him tried in the International Criminal Court for torturing the English language:

Time magazine cover with Dan Quayle and the headline
We beg to differ.
Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.
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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
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The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.
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What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
You’re still no Jack Kennedy, Dan.  At the same time, you're also not your idiot son who said in a campaign ad that Barack Obama was the worst president in history and then got booted after one sorry term in Congress.  So for today only---in honor of the occasion and for all the laughter ya brung us---we'll let potato have an e.

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Five years ago in C&J: February 4, 2008

CHEERS to celebratin'.  Despite the best efforts of the Bush administration to thwart it, happiness abounded Saturday in New Orleans as the Endymion parade, "the biggest and most lavish Mardi Gras parade...the only parade that traditionally rolls through the decidedly nontouristy neighborhood known as Mid-City," happened for the first time since Katrina.  I believe Michael "Heckuva Job" Brown was the grand marshal.  At least I think that's who they had strapped to the bottom of the lead Studebaker.

CHEERS to winnin'.  Add eighteen more delegates to Romney's column.  He destroyed his rivals in Saturday's Maine GOP caucuses with 52 percent of the vote.  John McCain barely beat Ron Paul for second place, by the way.  But the biggest winner was Alan Keyes.  He got a vote.  I hear they celebrated by blowing their one and only campaign dollar on a can of Moxie.  Mmmm...tastes like victory.  If victory happens to taste slightly like battery acid.
[2/4/13 Update: In 2012, Maine Republicans fucked up the administration of their caucuses, which finally ended up with Romney netting a pathetic 39 percent to Ron Paul's 36% and Rick Santorum's 17%.  That's Romney for ya: the longer you know him, the less you like him.]

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And just one more…

Baseball
Spring training games
start in 18 days!!!
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CHEERS to C&J's fair and balanced sports coverage.  Wow---that Super Bowl was something!  Did you see how [quarterback] executed that game-changing [pass play] [running play] in the [First] [second] [Third] [Fourth] quarter???  Holy cow!  And when [player] took the ball and [ran] [threw] [kicked] for that [touchdown] [field goal] [extra point], that was...well, it was just [amazing] [unbelievable] [bullshit].  At least [half-time entertainer] did a reasonably good job of [singing] [dancing] [eating fire] [exposing his/her/their titties].  And the commercial with the [baby] [dog] [horse] [monkey] [celebrity] was clearly the [best] [worst].  I'll never [forget] [remember] it!!!

And off we go into the gaping jaws of another week.  Have a tolerable Monday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Bill in Portland Maine is an outsider zombie, a rebel without a pulse.
 ---Scott Bowles
USA Today

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Poll

If you had magic powers (and I'm not saying you don't!), who would win the Grammy for 'Best Spoken Word' this Sunday?

14%282 votes
57%1139 votes
6%125 votes
12%242 votes
10%205 votes

| 1995 votes | Vote | Results

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