Obama decides to do his own naked self-portraits, but runs out of brown halfway through painting his magnificent penis.
I still don't know what I want to do for a living but I do know that my commute should include a platform that rises up from the floor.
Who the fuck hasn’t sat there staring at a fire alarm and a fantasizing about pulling that glorious motherfucker?
Everything beautiful fades. Everything ugly, too. Fading: What Things Do.
Feed a duck bread and it'll be your friend for a day. Feed a duck Cheddar Biscuits from Red Lobster and it'll help you hide a dead body.
Ask yourself: what are you waiting for? If the answer is anything but cake that causes real, physical orgasms, get the fuck off this planet.
Things used to be so much simpler. If we wanted to have fun when I was a kid, we had to knock over mailboxes and slash tires.
I wouldn’t mind if Jesus existed and came back. If he can turn water into wine, imagine all the shit he can turn into weed.