I use drugs. I'd rather abuse them but it's just not in the budget right now.
Valentine's Day Tip: Give her roses. Whisper "It's fascinating how spiders lay eggs in flowers that are undetectable to the human eye."
Under-30s say they're the most stressed-out generation in history. WWII vets say, "Yeah, I bet their bosses are total Nazis."
That $1-million reward for Chris Dorner sounds nice, but I won't be satisfied until they add vision and full dental.
It’s not the size of the penis that matters, it’s the fact that you understand the beginning of this sentence was a blatant lie.
Single women on Valentine’s day: “I’m so lonely and miserable. Why does nobody love me?” Single guys: “I’m saving so much money.”
I've noticed that stupid people who don't think like I do are the only ones that think I'm an asshole? Coincidence? I don't think so.
I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.