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It has been said, oftentimes by myself, that loss of hope is loss of life.  That's my daily struggle, searching for something on which to rest my hope.  Searching for hope has left me exhausted and emotionally paralyzed.  I may be stuck here until death.  Abandoning that search is not an option and I wonder if I'm refusing to face the inevitable.  

My daughter and granddaughter are on the road to death.  It is only a matter of time, as nobody will stop it or intervene.  All agencies have failed them.  My granddaughter is the tiniest casualty, so it is for her I grieve the most.  She has no choice, control or protection.  Dealing with this loss is debilitating.  I dont know how to move on..its as though I'm frozen in a world where there is only anxiety and panic.  

When I lost my brother and then my dad (several years later) it was final.  I could move through our lives together.  There was a place to visit them and leave a remembrance.  It wasn't a piece of cake but this is neverending.  I am angry, not at God or the universe, but at my daughter.  She caused this, damn her, and to remember her as a beautiful, loving child is unbearable.  Our family photos are on the wall, and walking by them is torturous.  I can't look away but I can't bear to see her sweet smile.  And I do love her, so very much.  I hope that as she takes her last breaths she is aware of how much she is loved.  She is my daughter, warts and all.  

As for my granddaughter, there are no words.  I recall her laughter just as clearly as it occurred a second ago, as though she is in the next room.  But she isn't, and her mother is determined to ruin her.  The Facebook photos of a child whose eyes evolved from trusting and happy to confused, terrified, miserable, then that happy, high euphoria.  Now no photos at all.  Is she alive?  Nobody will say.  There is not one cop, one DCF caseworker, one judge, one attorney, who will do a thing about it.  Her future is in their hands, but they will do nothing.    

Some days are pretty good and I only cry on the way to and from work.  Other days I can't stop crying.  (My clients are getting used to it.)  Some weeks are unbearable and I can honestly say I understand suicide.  I couldn't do that to those who love me but I can understand the yearning for complete cessation of pain.

But I'm hangin onto the hope that there is hope.

Welcome, fellow travelers on the grief journey, and a special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room.  We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grief in whatever way works for you. You don't have to respond directly to anything written in the diary: share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.

Originally posted to kmfmstar on Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 05:00 PM PST.

Also republished by The Grieving Room.

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