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Retired Terror Alert Colors Speak Out On Knives

Eleven years ago today, after a grueling selection process involving thousands of hues, shades, pigments and a $100 billion consultation fee for the Pantone Corporation, five noble colors were chosen to stand watch over America's shores as official representatives of the federal government's new Homeland Security Advisory System.

The assembled group---Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange and Red---quickly gelled into a rainbow of resolve. During their first two years, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge changed the alert level ten times, mostly due to the dire threat of Democrats winning elections. They disbanded in April of 2011 after 3,326 days on the job, replaced by the Obama administration with a non-fear-based and more efficient system.

Last week, when we learned that new TSA rules will allow people to take small knives, golf clubs, whiffle ball bats and other previously-forbidden items onto planes, we thought we'd ask the colors what they think of the change:

C&J: Green, you represented "Low Risk" on the chart, and in nine years of service you were never activated. How do you feel about the new rules?
It's all good, man, y'know? It's chill.

Color coded terror alert system
The Fearsome Fivesome
Blue, you were the "Guarded" one in the group. How did you react to the change?
Why? Are you implying something? Do you know something I don’t? Did someone say I had an opinion? Do you believe everything you hear? Why should I trust you? Why am I even here? Is this a trick? Why's everyone staring at me?

Yellow, you were the "Elevated" risk color. Except for a few days when level Orange took over, you were on duty the entire time the program existed.
What? You mean the other colors would dump all the responsibility on the middle color, thwarting me from my dream of becoming a "Danger---Rocks Falling" sign? Yeah, no bitterness here. What was your question? Aw, never mind. You don't care what I think. No one does.

Orange, you're you were designated "High" risk at airports right up until the end. You must have an opinion on this.
Y'know what's really high risk at airports? Toilet seats. I read it on the internet.

And finally, Red, you represented "Severe" risk on the chart. What do you think about allowing two-inch knives, golf clubs and whiffle bats on flights?
Write your will. Say your prayers. Nice knowin' ya. Hold me.

Thanks for your time, threat levels. We appreciate your service.

(Note for the editors at this is a real interview with real talking colors. Permission granted to re-publish as breaking news on your site.)

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Note: You got your peanut butter in my chocolate.  It tastes great but I'm still suing you.


By the Numbers:
Days 'til President Obama visits Israel: 8
Days 'til the Catawba Valley Pottery Festival in Hickory, North Carolina: 11
Tax delinquency rate among the general public: 8.2%
Tax delinquency rate among federal employees: 3.2%
(Source: IRS)
Amount Ohioan David Ayers was awarded for spending 13 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit: $13.2 million
Average number of 12-ounce cans of soda consumed per person in 1998: 576
Average number of 12-ounce cans of soda consumed per person in 2011: 476
(Source: Beverage Digest)


Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

There are other programs to cut instead of Medicare or Medicaid. What about not funding baby murder?, what about the defunding stupid artists? What about not funding the destruction of our children's education? There are thousands of grants that can be cut. Grants for ... Why does the spotted owl have spots?, or why do monkeys eat bananas? (or other such stupid study grants.)
---Commenter Pmi at WorldNetDaily
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Saving Little Turquoise Riding Hood


CHEERS to cardinal rules.  Today's the day 115 grown men lock themselves in a room with a DJ and an open bar and vow not to come out until they've picked the new pope.  In recent elections, it's taken about three days for the white smoke to appear.  But I can terminate the suspense for you now.  You'll find the 266th pope here.  In the pizza…

Pepperoni Pizza
I'm guessing he'll call himself Poperoni the Large with Extra Cheese.

JEERS to absolutes.  Maine Governor Paul LePage has stepped in it again.  Recently he vowed to veto all legislation until Democrats agreed to get up-to-date on Medicaid payments to hospitals.  As a result, he's pissing off the wrong constituents at the wrong time---namely, bars on St. Patrick's Day:

St. patricks Day clipart man with drink and green hat
Sorry, St. Patrickites.
No drinky for you!
At issue is a fast-tracked proposal to lift the state's ban on sales of alcohol between 6 and 9 a.m. on Sundays when St. Patrick's Day falls on a Sunday, as it does this year.  The Maine Restaurant Association supports the bill.  So do Irish pubs and bar owners.  So do state lawmakers, who have given it unanimous support in committee and in preliminary votes in the House and Senate. […]

"I think this is endemic of Washington politics," Steele said Friday. "Nothing gets done. The small man pays."

And like I always say, if you can't start drinking at 6am, the day is wasted.  Specifically, I say that every morning at 5:59.

CHEERS to stand-up POTUS.  President Obama attended the Gridiron Dinner over the weekend, and got off a few decent zingers:

President Obama ties his bow tie fr the 2013 Gridiorn Dinner on March 9, 2013.
POTUS knocked 'em dead.
And not a drone in sight.
"My administration recently put out a photo of me skeet shooting and even that wasn't enough for some people.  Next week, we're releasing a photo of me clinging to religion."
"I can offer you an easy way of remembering the new team.  If Ted Cruz calls somebody a communist, then you know they're in my cabinet."
"I'm sure that you've noticed that there's somebody very special in my life who is missing tonight---somebody who's always got my back, stands with me no matter what and gives me hope no matter how dark things seem.  So tonight I want to publicly thank my rock, my foundation---thank you, Nate Silver.
Yeah, just what Nate needs: a bigger head.

CHEERS to close encounters.  The "Pan-STARRS" comet is now visible in the western sky:

Cmet cleanser
"My god, Spock.
It's so beautiful."
Twilight on Tuesday will provide the best photo op for the comet called Pan-STARRS. It will be visible in the Northern Hemisphere just above the western horizon---right next to a crescent moon.  California astronomer Tony Phillips said the glare of the setting sun may make it difficult to see the comet with the naked eye. But he encourages casual sky gazers to give it a shot. The moon will provide an easy point of reference.

"All by itself, the slender moon will be super-beautiful.  If you can see a comet right beside it ... what a bonus!" he wrote in an email from his home and observatory in the Sierra Nevada.

But if you happen to see the moon, the comet, and your Aunt Gladys telling you to come into the light, run like hell.

CHEERS to the victor.  There was a presidential election in Kenya last week, and the winner (in a squeaker that's being contested in court) was Uhuru Kenyatta.  His opposition immediately accused him of having a fake birth certificate, and claimed that he's really a secret American capitalist out to impose Milton Friedmanesque tyranny on the unsuspecting and aloof populace while not spending nearly enough time golfing.  We'll keep you posted on how the impeachment hearings go.


Five years ago in C&J: March 12, 2008

JEERS to free bad advice.  Yesterday Eliot Spitzer, who was heralded as the darling of Democrats for sweeping himself into the New York governor's mansion on a 99%-1% election result in 2006, resigned in disgrace for shacking up with the hottest hookers money could buy.  But is he really the victim here?  Should he be taking the heat?  Dr. Laura says HE'S the innocent one:

Dr. Laura Schlesinger
Ladies, quit making your
husbands cheat on you!
When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings---sexually, personally---to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman. [...]

The cheating was his decision to repair what’s damaged and to feed himself where he’s starving.  But yes, I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.

Mrs. Spitzer: Resign!  From...something.


And just one more…

CHEERS to the ex-candidate who's just the right height.  Happy Birthday to 6-foot 2-inch Mitt Romney!  The Mittster turns 66 today.  He'll find himself on the receiving end of a bunch of moocher-worthy big gifts and chocolate baked goodies.  If he's been really good, he'll get a new deluxe Etch-A-Sketch with which to re-create his dream of abolishing Obamacare (on Day One!), bombing Iran, trucking "illegals" back to Mexico (the Canadian illegals can stay), crushing unions, reinstating "Don’t Ask, Don't Tell," getting rid of Planned Parenthood, privatizing Social Security (because that worked out swell for Bush) and opening the National Mall for oil drilling.  President Obama may ring him up if he can take a moment away from his job of running the country.  Paul Ryan will stop by after all the dishes have been washed to wash the dishes.  And then:


Have a nice Tuesday with extra cheesy grits.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"My guess is that history will be kind to Bill in Portland Maine."
---Jeb Bush


What overall grade would you give to Attorney General Eric Holder these days?

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