GOPasaurs and GOPasaur wannabees, journalists, lobbyists, and hookers were joined by paleontologists at the Cretaceous Political Animal Circus (CPAC), proving once again that politics makes very, very strange bedfellows. Rarely do we get to observe so many extinction-ready creatures in one place, a diorama come to life, with gritty GOPasaur-on-GOPasaur carnage worthy of paleo-pay-per-view.
While some GOPasaur heavyweights such as Behemasaurus christii and Getoffamylawnasaurus mccainii and Transvaginasaurus mcdonnellii were notably absent, the Grim Reaper's short list of extinction candidates was as lengthy as it's ever been. Having all of his prospects together in one room? Priceless!
Griftasaurus karlroveii, not one to miss an opportunity to siphon funds away from the gullible GOPasaur hangers-on, has yet to realize that his position atop the Cretaceous food chain ended some time ago. The former king-maker listened in horror as Griftasaurus palinii, sporting black leathery coloration, ripped him an alternative orifice. The vacuous G. palinii, snarkily slurping on a Big Gulp soda to fill the void in her cerebral cortex, yammered on in her "I-realize-that-you-people-aren't-too-bright-so-I'll-speak-real-slow" voice. Her besotted followers, reflexively reaching for their wallets, loved every minute of her schtick.
Meanwhile, tectonic rifts emerged in the GOPasaur party to the dismay of the Kochasaurs, who, despite their millions of dollars in political "investments" had to face facts: they wuz robbed! Instead of filling the CPAC venue with GOPasaur superstars, statespersons, and visionaries, they wound up with washed-up has-beens whose continued presence on the planet defies logic.
Case in point: Brontosaurus romneii. Sure, he was the party's failed presidential candidate and therefore worthy of consideration. But goshdarnitall, hadn't his mate, the Freon-veined Dressageasaurus cruella, promised that this was "their" last campaign? What part of "go away!" do these people not understand?
Then we have Stegasaurus newtii, holding up an incandescent light bulb to signify that the GOPasaurs needed some new ideas. LEDs maybe? Compact fluorescents? Admittedly, S. newtii has been known to frequent any venue that covers his speaker fees, but it's been eons since he's had anything to say.
Among the other GOPasaur glitterati who've outlived their usefulness is Birthasaurus thedonaldii, whose continuing obsession with the origins of Obamasaurus Rex has grown so old that even Orlysaurus taitzii is saying, "give it a rest, you pompous bastard."
Cubanasaurus marcorubio, the Latinosaurus GOPasaur messiah-du-jour insisted that there was nothing wrong with the party, because, America! The GOPasaurs loved hearing that, as nothing is more soothing to their frazzled nerves than the affirmation that the status quo is fine the way it is. However, Libertariasaurus notnamedforAynrandii, countered with a withering indictment of the party as mired in the Triassic tar pits, unable to find its ass with both hands.
Speaking of tar pits, Texasaur tedcruzii, whose Canadian Shield origins seem of no concern to these birth-certificate-obsessed GOPasaurs, used the CPAC forum to continue advancing his Right-wing agenda. Even his fellow attendees found themselves wondering if he hadn't in fact crossed a land-bridge too far.
Ammunitiasaurus lapierrii, always a crowd favorite at any GOPasaur gathering, continued his own random walk into the maelstrom of insanity with continued pleas to arm every sentient being in the drainage basin. As if to prove his point that danger lurks everywhere, several dark-colored GOPasaurs were escorted from the CPAC hall for Participating in Politics While Black.
Proving once again that hateful venom is not confined to the male GOPasaurs, Anorexasaurus coulterii took the stage to vilify everyone from B. christii to O. Rex, to the raucous laughter and applause of those in the audience who were spared her toxic barbs. Female GOPasaurs do provide plenty of entertainment at CPAC, as long as they're not aspiring to any political position other than "party animal".
The real winners in this paleo-parade of extinction-worthy life-forms were the organizers, caterers, hotel staff, cab drivers, souvenir vendors, and of course hookers who separated these witless GOPasaurs from millions and millions of dollars that they'd otherwise waste on their spouses, kids, pets, and local charities.
Bottom line: no signs of evolution at CPAC this year. They're perfect fossil record is still intact.