Everything I can't fit on my dream wall I leave in the wish foyer. It's just easier that way.
Cop: you didn’t use a turn signal.
Me: Nobody’s on the road.
Cop: So?
Me: So, who would see it?
Cop: Doesn’t matter.
Me: Who hurt you?
A man was nailed to a cross because a woman ate an apple a really long time ago. And that’s the Bible in a nutshell.
A study shows that weed has chemicals that help fight lung cancer. Weed cares so much about you that it fixes the shit it’s destroying.
New GOP study: The Republican Party is alienating minorities. Also, candy is yummy, Mitt Romney is rich and air is necessary.
BETTING TIP: go with Frederick Douglass as a cinderella but don't sleep on Medgar Evers in your NAACP brackets.
Kids in TV commercials are happy and adorable because they didn't experience 9/11 or the music of Baja Men.
We're all just slowly spoiling meat charged with low-wattage electricity rotting under the sun so never miss a chance to laugh and have fun!
I found a girl scout who takes debit cards. Shit just got real.