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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

Baby Steps

In its effort to appeal to a wider swath of the citizenry, the Republican National Committee has added the following planks to their party platform:

Telex machine
"Add this baby to our ground
game and we can't lose."
---Reince Priebus
1) We now admit that some of the homosexual humor in Will & Grace was amusing.
2) As far as abortion is concerned, two mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds may be one mandatory transvaginal ultrasound too many.
3) Electrified border fences should only cause clothing to smolder, not catch fire.
4) The homosexual guys on Modern Family are also at times amusing, especially when the character "Cam" gets flustered and flaps his hands wildly about.
5) Youngster tats are hep.
6) Honest to God, we thought we were voting no on the "Violins Against Women Act." I mean, wouldn’t you vote against a crazy-sounding bill like that? Our bad.
7) Thumbs-up…way up…to mariachi bands.
8) It is now acceptable for ex-gay therapists to leave their clients up to 33 percent gay.
9) We now have a list of things that Rush Limbaugh has allowed us to disagree with him on. (Sample: "A nine iron from 75 yards? No, man, that's way too much club.")
10) To better serve you, we have just added a telex number to our stationery.
And they're just getting started.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Note: Due to the sequester, classes in C&J School will now be taught by a koala bear with a GED and a bad attitude.  We look forward to welcoming back the mortarboard-wearing water buffalo once Congress resolves the situation.  ---Mgt.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Easter: 11
Days 'til the Curran Homestead Spring Fling & Maple Syrup Festival in Orrington, Maine: 3
Minimum number of Guantanamo detainees who are currently on a hunger strike: 21
Percent of Americans who support marriage equality for same-sex couples, up from zero percent in 1776: 58%
(Source: ABC News/Washington Post poll)
Amount of stimulus allocated in the budget House Democrats have proposed: $200 billion
(Source: The Hill)
Number of states in which deaths currently outnumber births: 2 (Maine, West Virginia)
(Source: Census Bureau)
Estimated poundage of NASA hardware that sits on the moon: 36,600
(Source: Harper's Index)

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 4 Liberalisms and 1 batty banner).  Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Even worse: his luggage ended up in Latvia.

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Snow scene
Happy Spring from Maine!
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CHEERS to Spring!  I don't care if there's a foot of fresh snow on the ground outside my house this morning.  I'm still gonna put on my warm-weather tutu, strap on my fairy wings, go outside and romp barefoot through the barley field with the wee village folk (if the past is any guide, I'll end up smooshing many of them---my apologies in advance).  Oops, just a minute...  I've been informed that the barley field is now a Wal-Mart, so our plans have changed.  Instead, we'll be romping barefoot in the lingerie section.

P.S. Where do people go to learn about the seasons?  At the School of Hard Vernal Equinox!  Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

P.P.S. The swallows returned to the San Juan Capistrano Mission in California yesterday four days after the buzzards returned to Hinckley, Ohio.  The annual events are popular with couples who are on a budget.  It's a cheep date.

CHEERS to the happy traveler.  President Obama is in Israel today, where he'll drive Republicans here crazy by being popular, serious and photogenic.  Here's his schedule for today:

Earth
Obama's visit will take place
on this planet's outer crust.
•  President Obama will arrive in Tel Aviv, Israel, marking the President's first trip to Israel as President of the United States.
•  President Obama will view an "Iron Dome" battery in Tel Aviv, Israel.
•  Later, President Obama will attend a bilateral meeting with Israeli President Peres in Jerusalem.
•  In the afternoon, President Obama will attend a bilateral meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, followed by a press conference.
•  In the evening, President Obama will attend a working dinner hosted by Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu.
Tomorrow he'll go to the Israel Museum to see the Dead Sea Scrolls.  To give you an idea of how ancient they are, archaeologists say they pre-date the Republican platform by a week.

CHEERS to cutting and running.  In a move that would've gotten him court-martialed by George W. Bush for "not finishing the job," on March 20, 1942, General Douglas MacArthur pulled out of the Philippines during World War II so his forces could live to fight the Japanese another day.  His words made history: "I shall return."  Not so historic were the words that followed: "Accelerator's on the right!  Go Go Go!"

CHEERS to the best Fourth of July evuh…well, besides the original one…and the bicentennial one was pretty cool…but I digress.  Coming soon to an island near you, if you happen to live near New York City:

Replica of Statue of Liberty in a pool
The statue itself has been
moved to a billionaire's pool.
Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar and New York Sen. Chuck Schumer announced that Liberty Island is on track to re-open on America's birthday with a new dock, improved energy infrastructure and repaired facilities.

"July Fourth is the perfect day to reopen a symbol of our nation's freedom, and speaks volumes about New York's resilience," Schumer said in press release after the call.  "Lady Liberty was hit hard by Superstorm Sandy, but just like New York, she will be back---and stronger than ever."  The statute itself was unharmed when the super storm hit in late October.  But crippling damage to the rest of the island has left it unsafe for visitors.

While they're at it, the sonnet at the base will be re-sculpted to read: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.  And in return if you could take some teabaggers off our hands we'd sure appreciate it.  Thx."  [Dabs eyes with hanky]  Beautiful.

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Five years ago in C&J: March 20, 2008

JEERS to John McCain.  Last night I went out and asked every six year-old I could find whether or not the Sunni members of al Qaeda were going to the Shiite Iranians for guns and training.  They all said, "No, you twit...any idiot knows that!"  Well apparently not John "Twit" McCain.  Wow, imagine that: shocking ignorance on a vital national security issue.  On the bright side, if he ends up succeeding George Bush, at least we know the transition will be seamless.

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And just one more…

Noruz spread
Any holiday with goldfish
gets thumbs-up from me!
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CHEERS to a temporary thaw.  Hey, I'm a lover not a fighter, so I'll jump on the Obama bandwagon and join him in wishing the Iranian people a Happy Nowruz.  After several paragraphs of blah blah nuclear war bad blah blah, the president closes his message with the traditional, "Eid-eh Shoma Mobarak," which loosely translated means "Gangnam style! Whoop Whoop!!!" (Admittedly, very loosely.)  It's a classy and important thing to do.  I know it's a classy and important thing to do because the right-wingers are grinding their teeth down to the nub over it---always a good sign that our side's doing something right.  Also the reason why 4-out-of-5 dentists lean Democrat.  They appreciate the business.

Have a nice first day of spring.  Seriously, running through barley fields in a tutu makes an excellent foot Exfoliant.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Asked to choose one program they would be willing to cut, only 14 percent of respondents named Social Security or Medicare.  Just over three quarters---76 percent---picked Cheers and Jeers.
---The Plum Line

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Poll

What rank is spring among your favorite seasons?

30%1072 votes
45%1606 votes
17%636 votes
4%156 votes
2%73 votes

| 3545 votes | Vote | Results

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