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Last night, Jon Stewart had another epic smackdown of the right-wing movement as they try to broaden their appeal to minorities.  Except look at what they actually ended up saying at CPAC.

Let me break this strategy down.  After pretending minorities didn't exist proved a loser, the Republican Party has decided to physically go into these areas and engage "person-to-person" — or, as that is known on the streets — talking.  But of course, as the saying goes, talk is not cheap.
RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (3/17/2013): We're going to be announcing a $10 million dollar initiative just this year in which it will include hundreds of people, paid, across the country from coast to coast, in Hispanic, African-American, Asian communities, talking about our party.
"We were just going to pay 'em $5 million dollars, but these are minority communities, so we had to sweeten the pot.  You understand."

So there you go.  You're gonna go into minority neighborhoods, do a little market research, then send paid spokespeople back into the minority communities, with a new re-targeted message.  Hey, it worked for Kool cigarettes.  Why not for another organization that has seemed indifferent to the overall health of minorities?

All right, so now we know, let's see if we can apply this new re-messaging strategy to last week's other major news from the right — CPAC, which stands for Cock Penis And Cock.  (shocked audience laughter)  Uh, no, I'm sorry, that's on Craigslist, that's what it stands for.

....

REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN (3/16/2013): A new book is out talking about the perks and the excess of the $1.4 billion dollar-a-year Presidency that we're paying for. ... There are five chefs on Air Force One.  There are two projectionists who operate the White House movie theater. ... We are also the ones who are paying for someone to walk the President's dog.
Wow, she makes a good point, that is a sharp indictment of the President's wasteful lifestyle.  There is one problem, though.
ANDERSON COOPER (3/19/2013): Congresswoman Bachmann apparently got her information from a 131-page self-published book by a longtime Republican lobbyist.  The book provides no specific sourcing for the claims it makes.
Oh, it's all bullshit!  Oh, all right.  So here is the opportunity.  Rather than seeming like an out-of-touch party that gets all its paranoid and conspiratorial information from dubious sources, graciously correct your wrong assertions, and earn some much-needed credibility back.  Or... RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
3/19/2013:

(Bachmann speedily walking away from Bash)

DANA BASH: You talked about the excesses that he's engaged in, the fact that he has a dog walker, which is not true.

REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN: The big point of my speech was about Benghazi.  This was an absolute disaster.

DANA BASH: But you also made specific accusations about the President spending money that other Presidents also made.

"Must... must... must keep running!  Facts... facts catching up to me!  Must... must outrun facts!"

(wild audience applause)

What do we got next?

SARAH PALIN (3/16/2013): It is great to be back at CPAC!
(dejected) Sure, why not?
SARAH PALIN (3/16/2013): More background checks?  Dandy idea, Mr. President.  Shoulda started with yours.  (CPAC audience howls with laughter)
You know, I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from.  Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment, and it came to life!  (audience applause)
Video and full transcript below the fold.

But I want to talk about our top story tonight, the Republican Party.  With a difficult election loss behind them, there's a time of reflection and soul-searching for the GOP.  And we'll let you know if they find one!  Oh!  Oh!  Who wants a piece of this?  Who wants a piece of this?  (takes out water spritzer)  Trying to spice things up.  I kid, of course.

But last week, the Republican National Committee released its report on what went wrong in the 2012 election, and how the Republican Party could reverse its fortunes in the future.  It's a document of idealism, principle, and hope.

CAROL COSTELLO (3/18/2013): Officials are calling it an autopsy.

BROOKE BALDWIN (3/18/2013): That's right, they're calling this an autopsy.

(audience laughter)

It is a document of idealism, principle, and hope... named for the process bodies pulled from a river undergo.  "All right, everybody, whaddaya say we rub a little camphor under our noses and get down to the business of cutting this bloated corpse open, huh?"

So we know the time of death.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus, what was the cause of death?

RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (3/18/2013): The way we communicate our principles isn't resonating widely enough. ... It all goes back to what our moms used to tell us: it's not just what we say, it's how you say it.
"For instance, the way I say it is like a drunk Muppet."  (audience laughter and applause)  "Or, or... as drunk Muppets are known to the police, Druppets."

So a 100-page report to reassure Republicans they don't need to change what they are saying, just how they are saying it.  "Remember, when you tell a gay person that their love is too unnatural for society to recognize, smile."  (audience laughter and applause)

Now obviously, a big issue for Republicans in 2012 was their inability to connect to young people and minorities.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome GOP 2.0, relatable-style!

RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (3/18/2013): We're going to overhaul our campaign mechanic structure to fully integrate our demographic engagement strategy. ... This new approach will be diverse, year-round, community-based, and dedicated to person-to-person engagement. ... We will conduct a pilot program in targeted urban markets to test and refine these engagement efforts.
"Day 4.  The local natives seem to growing more comfortable with my presence."

Holy shit, let me break this strategy down, if I may.

(wild audience cheering and applause at graphic)

Settle down.  It's a pun!

Let me break this strategy down.  After pretending minorities didn't exist proved a loser, the Republican Party has decided to physically go into these areas and engage "person-to-person" — or, as that is known on the streets — talking.  But of course, as the saying goes, talk is not cheap.

RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (3/17/2013): We're going to be announcing a $10 million dollar initiative just this year in which it will include hundreds of people, paid, across the country from coast to coast, in Hispanic, African-American, Asian communities, talking about our party.
"We were just going to pay 'em $5 million dollars, but these are minority communities, so we had to sweeten the pot.  You understand."

So there you go.  You're gonna go into minority neighborhoods, do a little market research, then send paid spokespeople back into the minority communities, with a new re-targeted message.  Hey, it worked for Kool cigarettes.  Why not for another organization that has seemed indifferent to the overall health of minorities?

All right, so now we know, let's see if we can apply this new re-messaging strategy to last week's other major news from the right — CPAC, which stands for Cock Penis And Cock.  (shocked audience laughter)  Uh, no, I'm sorry, that's on Craigslist, that's what it stands for.  I believe in this context, it stands for Conservative Political Action Conference.  Anyway, the problem with Republicans, again, not the content of the ideas, but the way that they are saying them.  Go.

DONALD TRUMP (3/15/2013): Why aren't we letting people in from Europe?

(audience applause)

(Donald Trump impression) "We were talkin' about Europe!  Why don't we let people in from Europe?  I mean, we're talkin' quality immigrants, not these Spanish-speaking pricks!  You know what I'm talkin' about?  Except, obviously, the white ones from Spain.  You know what I'm talkin' about!  I'm talkin' about the difference between tapas and tacos.  Class.  Yeah."

Who else needs a message massage?

REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN (3/16/2013): A new book is out talking about the perks and the excess of the $1.4 billion dollar-a-year Presidency that we're paying for. ... There are five chefs on Air Force One.  There are two projectionists who operate the White House movie theater. ... We are also the ones who are paying for someone to walk the President's dog.
Wow, she makes a good point, that is a sharp indictment of the President's wasteful lifestyle.  There is one problem, though.
ANDERSON COOPER (3/19/2013): Congresswoman Bachmann apparently got her information from a 131-page self-published book by a longtime Republican lobbyist.  The book provides no specific sourcing for the claims it makes.
Oh, it's all bullshit!  Oh, all right.  So here is the opportunity.  Rather than seeming like an out-of-touch party that gets all its paranoid and conspiratorial information from dubious sources, graciously correct your wrong assertions, and earn some much-needed credibility back.  Or... RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
3/19/2013:

(Bachmann speedily walking away from Bash)

DANA BASH: You talked about the excesses that he's engaged in, the fact that he has a dog walker, which is not true.

REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN: The big point of my speech was about Benghazi.  This was an absolute disaster.

DANA BASH: But you also made specific accusations about the President spending money that other Presidents also made.

"Must... must... must keep running!  Facts... facts catching up to me!  Must... must outrun facts!"

(wild audience applause)

What do we got next?

SARAH PALIN (3/16/2013): It is great to be back at CPAC!
(dejected) Sure, why not?
SARAH PALIN (3/16/2013): More background checks?  Dandy idea, Mr. President.  Shoulda started with yours.  (CPAC audience howls with laughter)
You know, I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from.  Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment, and it came to life!  (audience applause)

Doesn't the GOP have someone with ideas worth messaging?  This is what they need, a new fresh voice, that can be the face of a diverse Republican Party.

LARRY KUDLOW (3/25/2013): Is famed neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson the black conservative who can save the GOP?

STUART VARNEY (3/22/2013): ... a rising star in the conservative party ...

KARL ROVE (3/23/2013): ... a remarkable human being, a gifted neurosurgeon, a wonderful life story, tremendous values, loves America ...

(in Jewish mother voice)  "All that and he's a doctor?"

So here we go!  Your party's so screwed up, it is going to take a literal brain surgeon to help figure it out.  If it is in fact the way that your message is being framed that is the problem, you could not find a more appealing delivery system than this man.  Let's do this.

DR. BEN CARSON (3/16/2013): That has been the nature of Americans.  We have always been generous.  Nobody... nobody is starving on the streets.  We've always taken care of them.
(disgusted audience groans)

Whelp, good luck in 2020!  We'll be right back.

Jon then had Larry Wilmore on to talk about the GOP's minority outreach.
Meanwhile, Stephen also looked at how the GOP plans to reach out to minorities.
He then tackled the other big news from yesterday, the debate over gay marriage, focusing on Sen. Saxby Chambliss's (R-GA) idiotic words.
He then covered a story from Canada about whale bone porn, thanks to one overly concerned mother.

Stephen talked with cardiologist Eric Topol about the latest digital advances in medicine, and Jon talked with Michael Moss about the snack food industry, which went long.  Here's the unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Mar 27, 2013 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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