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Beginning yesterday, the United States Supreme Court heard arguments regarding gay marriage.  At issue is California's now-infamous Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in the state, and the Defense of Marriage Act.  It is believed possible that the court's ruling on this issue could in fact have long-standing impact regarding gay marriage throughout the U.S.  A host of people are talking about it.  My Facebook feed is filled with a bunch of pink equal signs, as though changing a profile pic is going to make Clarence Thomas talkative or something.

I was going to bide my time and keep my opinions to myself, because one more opinion on the issue isn't going to make any difference.  I tried to be good, but as time has worn on, my resolve to keep quiet on this issue faded away.  I am a red-blooded heterosexual American male--I've never even been confused on that point--and I should admit that from the start.  Still, I have friends who are gay, and I'm running the risk of offending them by writing this, but I can't keep quiet any longer.  Some things just need to be said, and I will say them below the little orange squiggly thingie.

As a concept, I hate gay marriage.  All right:  Hate is a strong word.  I dislike gay marriage a lot.  And at the risk of being controversial, I don't stop there.  I dislike a lot of gay things.  While the whole list would take up a lot of time and energy, here is a small sampling, in no particular order:

  ■I dislike gay parking.  I can understand why gays need special parking, but it seems like they get all the best spots.
  ■I also dislike gay pancakes.  I mean, if people prefer gay pancakes in the privacy of their own homes, whatever.  But I can't stand it when people throw gay pancakes in my face.
  ■Gay highways also bother me.  I think we can agree that one needs no explanation.
  ■Gay cars.  That could simply be residual from my overall dislike of gay highways, but even when the gay cars are on straight highways, I seem to dislike them.
  ■For the love of God, gay faucets.  All they lead to is ever-increasing amounts of gay water, and don't even get me started on gay water.

Now, if you're thinking to yourself that things like gay parking, gay pancakes, gay highways, gay cars, gay faucets, and gay water do not actually exist, I must do two things:

1.  I must commend you for noticing.  You're very astute.  These things do NOT, in fact, exist.
2.  Due to #1, I must ask you:  Why, then, are we still talking about gay marriage?

I was absolutely serious before:  As a concept, I really do dislike gay marriage.  I dislike it because somewhere along the way, we have invented this concept of "gay marriage" when what we're really talking about, it seems to me, is "marriage."  I hate the concept of gay marriage because I feel--rather passionately, I might add--that the concept just should not exist.

The whole idea that the Supreme Court even needs to hear this argument bothers me.  While I recognize that I tend to be overly idealistic about this great nation of ours, it seems to me that the central issue of the American Justice System is fairness.  If nothing else, the Justice System, and certainly the Supreme Court, should be fair.  And I simply cannot accept that holding to the concept of "gay marriage" as opposed to "marriage" is anything other than patently unfair.

My concern is that some of the people sitting on the United States Supreme Court probably disagree with me.  I'm worried that some of the justices believe that gays are less deserving of marriage than anyone else.  That in turn worries me, because sooner or later the court might make a decision on this issue of marriage.  It worries me even more, because I hate it when my idealism blows up in my face--the Supreme Court could, in fact, make a decision that is patently unfair.  A group of nine men and women, all of whom I'm sure would say that they love America, could make a decision that is unfair to certain Americans.  I don't know that they will.  I hope that they won't.  But they could.  And that's just wrong.

I know there are those who disagree with me, and I absolutely support the idea that every single individual has the right to his or her own opinion.  But if you believe gays to be somehow less deserving of marriage than anyone else, then you're being unfair.  You're showing prejudice.  You're being a bigot.  You're entitled to your opinion, but you should know that your opinion makes you a pretty crappy human being, at least on this issue.  On this issue, your opinion is as ridiculous as gay pancakes.

The author's old blog of Bang the Buckets no longer exists.  This post appeared on his new blog, The Gracchi Report, in a slightly altered form.  You can visit if you want at www.thegracchireport.com

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