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I held a kick ass rummage sale in my brain for old outdated thoughts. Some granny bought trickle down economics & the macarena for 75¢!

If I ever have a kid, I’m gonna convince him and his classmates to stand up during class and sing Another Brick in the Wall.

No, there's no such things as conspiracies. It's impossible for people to conspire together for a common purpose.

If I can just get a picture of a kitten eating bacon while killing a spider, I can break the Internet. Then we’ll all be free.

Because one day you’re gonna wake up and realize none of this mattered. So drink your beers, smoke your bud and fuck your silly heart out.

You can begin living your best life today or you can say "FUCK IT ALL" and start partying like George Motherfucking Jones. Namaste, Possum.

Find comfort in novel places. Like pharmacies. If you walk in and think, 'there are drugs here!' it's pretty comforting.

People always look so disappointed when they find out the briefcase handcuffed to my wrist is just for snacks.


A good sandwich should be a little bit slutty.

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