¿Grandma?
It`s good to be here today to bring you the May 3rd Open thread. To all of you,"Feliz Cinco de Mayo" weekend from Ole Texan.
Issues beyond my control has kept me silent for sometime, save for a comment here and there at times. First I want to thank edwardssl for giving me the chance to write on this new day in my life and on a new topic. Thanks edwardssl......a lot.
Disappointments, yes, they came in bunches, and they kept on coming. These personal issues I unraveled searching for a father-figure ancestor in GFHC as some of you may recall, others not associated to GFHC aren`t worth mentioning and I won`t. Very briefly I will touch on a few disappointments beyond my control that caused me to merely just backed away for a breather.
I think that the major factor that led to my retreat was the painful finding that I could not locate documentation on my birth consistent with a father figure. Circumstantial assumptions in what I found devastated me and I did not accept that. This failure to find answers was a crushing defeat for me which led me to question myself why I was doing this. So I just threw in the towel, as some would rightly say.
I want to also inform you that contrary to my disillusioned-filled-rejection to further search, as I stated so clearly in the last diary I wrote back in Sept. 21, 2012 "that I would search no more, forever" for my father; that has not been the case with respect to genealogy and searching.
I have been deeply involved, time permitted, on a new search that involves one particular ancestor that has become an obsession for me. A new search solely to satisfy my curiosity with respect to my ancestor-lineage and how my personal family tree evolved. In addition, I needed information on my grandfather that has had me confused for so many years.
I`ve gone back to my late mother`s death certificate as my new starting point in searching for this particular departed ancestor. I have even given to looking into tombs, old caskets and into the clouds in case you have noticed. I`m doing this because I should have done it a long time ago. I want to leave whatever I find to my own children in case they want to create their own family tree in the future during their life times.
I am no longer disappointed with spilled milk as they say - with respect to my failed past journey through the search mills. I am enjoying and learning every day. But above all else I am having a blast doing this. That is why on this dariy written by Jim H I asked for permission to write this open thread today. I felt I was ready to engage with the group once again.
And, despite the frustrations I endured while writing the plus 48 paragraph diary of 2012 linked above that included some 15 links all in conjunction with the aim at finding a father, resulted I`m sure, in mass confusion for any reader of that diary. Now I feel compelled to mention that I have put that past where it belongs -- in the past. I no longer search for a father nor am I interested in that part of my blood line.
I have remained busy using genealogy as a mind tonic to search with the only tool I have, for a personal good reason, FamilySearch.org, in trying to track down my real grandmother using my mother`s death certificate as my starting point. On occasions I also use Mocavo.com but I have seen it is not as informative as FS.org.
Growing up, as a boy I thought that those who raised me as a child back in the 1940`s in San Antonio, Texas, my step-grandmother and her brood of children were related to me - as in family tree by blood that runs in my veins and that they were branches of my own tree. I was wrong. I can see now, that coupled with the harsh times in those days my mother was rejected for not being part of that family blood line. That is why now more then ever I think it was the same reason I was hated and brutally treated there.
We were outsiders. My mother was an outcast and I was a burden.
Some true genealogist in this group may tell me I`m wrong in my thinking this way -- because my grandfather "is" part of my family tree. That is very true. I refer only to those in his family. I think his blood only ran in my mother`s veins as a result of his contact with that of Candelaria Guerrero my true grandmother. This lady has become an obsession for me. I decided to journey into an adventure in the search pits once again and find her.
This is why I wanted to find out about my grandfather and Candelaria Guerrero. Did they ever marry to each other? This woman was my true grandmother and I took it upon myself to know who she was. This obsession caused a lot of lost sleep until I decided to find out. Fortunately I did find out. But unfortunately with a pitfall that brings me here seeking advise.
Let me explain my approach and basis for my searching for this lady, my grandmother and how I designed my journey using past personal and flawed writings to form an opinion, and then my search.
The convincing pique that aroused in me this idea of searching for my grandmother derived from this diary I wrote July 2012 in which I made claims that my late grandfather was a cheater in my family tree. Claims that as I went back to read made me feel ashamed of myself. Claims that he followed a cycle of infidelity and betrayal that infected my own mother, were not only baseless but untrue.
At the time I wrote those claims I was only concentrating on "his family" which I knew as a child. He had several sons and daughters and my mother was never part of that family. Being a grown man and no longer a child when I wrote those claims I thought that my mother was born out of wedlock and kicked to the curb, so I wanted to search for the truth. What I learned through genealogy was that my mother was rejected by "his family" purely for lacking of their own blood line. Today as I know the truth, that long ago assumption feels stronger.
I was aware that my grandparent`s names were on my mother`s death certificate. It took me some mind struggles to convince myself to re-enter the search arena. I feared returning to the disappointments I previously endured if I failed again. But I had to look into the possibility that in fact they had married and my mother was a legitimate born child with a genuine father, and not like me. I pulled out her death certificate and paste it here. I was aware that this document offered no proof to me of a marriage, so I chose to use it as my foreword statement to this storied journey in search for my grandma.
My mother`s name here is Margarita Gomez, a surname at her death. Oh well. Note also that her parents were father Ygnacio Baray and mother Candelaria Guerrero. This document standing alone never told me that they were married. I wanted to find out.
I had suspected based on my prior disgusting written diaries about my mother`s flawed lifestyle while alive that perhaps my grandfather had just shacked with Candelaria Guerrero and my own Mother had been born out of wedlock, triggering my "cycle of infidelity and betrayal that infected my own mother" comment I made above. -- I wanted to know if they ever married.
Of course I have written in other diaries having known and lived with my grandfather as a child. However, I never had a clue about Candelaria Guerrero -- my true grandmother. I wanted to search and find what she was about during her lifetime..A real tall order indeed.
Actually finding this marriage license for my grandparents came back to me quite easy. All I did was write their names under marriage in the proper places to start a search using FS.org. Immediately I got the collections report of their marriage date and place along with my mother`s name Margarita Gomez as a child to that marriage. I also got "the view image" prompt (to click and view) the marriage license. I copied it and paste it here.
When I read the FamilySearch.org collections data showing my mother`s name as a child to that marriage and then pulling this license I let out a long Whewwwwwwww!!. I felt rewarded for my effort and at peace knowing at last that my mother was a Legitimate born child through marriage and not born out of wedlock as I had wrongly carried with me most of my life.
Looking at, and reading these documents - my new found Gems, gave me a mix bag of feelings. I felt relief and I felt guilt. I am glad that at least my mother has recorded evidence that she had a biological mother and father. I feel guilt for all the nasty and obnoxious writings I have posted online about my mother because she is not here for me to apologize. As for me, not being that lucky is no longer important.
My search did not end there. I wanted more and here is another record I found that shows the marriage of my grandparents. I wanted a peek into my grandmother`s past, like a name of her closest kin. I got none.
Having discovered these hidden treasures has given me great mental comfort as I cannot tire of repeating. Comfort for what its worth and proves to me once again the mystic phenomena that is the science of genealogy. It keeps the remaining parts of my sanity in check by wanting to know more and keep learning how to continue on my journey. And I say to myself: "Now what?"
I am stumped and have reached that pesky brick wall. It has me stalled on my tracks as I attempt with all my fingers to get past what I have found so far.
So I hope that sharing this brief background of my quest brings me your expertise. I will ask your advise to help me trek the bumpy road ahead that I need to cross to find anything, about Candelaria Guerrero. These are the questions I want to ask and the reason for requesting permission to write today`s Open thread:
Can anyone tell me how I am going to cross this line and enter into my late grandma`s
lifetime. I mean I already know she married my grandfather, but that`s all I could find. I want to know who was behind her -- family, kins, father, mother and stuff like that.
I write her name in searches and get a few women named Candelaria Guerrero. There are names in my searches added for Candelaria Guerrero like a father, mother and others. It has even occurred to me that I do not even know where she was born.
How can I even assume that a certain Caldelaria that comes up in my searches is indeed the one I look for, or if this is my late Grandmother?? How could I assume anything, about the names that show up as related to her when I search for her. I am stumped with this finding.
I am cognizant of the fact that genealogy is a mind-cracking creature that attacks vulnerable searchers like me. I really have attempted exploring those names that come up in my searches that look like potential prospects but I usually end by giving up on them.
It would really blow me away if I could find my late grandmother`s roots, my blood line in the form of some of her relatives, a late father, mother, brother -- well you get the idea. One never knows with genealogy, right? Then and only then can I say that my ancestors family-tree lineage is extensive if I find those long ago wind-swaying branches. They are out there, I know it.
I have to admit though, that I sneer at the time I have left to locate what I look for. But I am having fun doing this. It gives me what I can truly describe as a buzz, a rush just thinking what is out there for me to find. This gives me time to think only about me and what is important.
I know its true. If only I could have access to Ancestry. But I don`t and I can`t. All along I have known this game is costly, expensive to search for authentic records as Ancestry claims. I persistently try over and over their 14 days free trial run advertisement. I go through all the process to get that trial run only to be asked for my credit card when it comes time to click open a specified record I want.
I do not have a credit card, of any type or kind. Not that I would not love to have one, but I cannot afford that luxury. So I am doing the best I can.
I am very grateful for people who have searched for me previously, using their resources to help. I do not want that. I do not want to burden anyone anymore, regardless of their kindness and honest offers of help. I have saved files of genealogy information found and given to me of searches by one particular wonderful lady Kossack here who helped me in the past. I know the meaning of the word limit though.
Like I said, I am having a blast on my own. I am now content to have found that my true grandmother did in fact married that ole goon, as I referred to him in the above mentioned diary written July 2012, or in another diary before that. I am not sure anymore. Now I know he was a cool goon after all.
I have even tried digging up some burial grounds and peeked into old caskets with the same results -- how can I tell if it is her? I could actually find her buried somewhere not knowing for sure if I found her. This sounds like a lot of fun, eh?
O.K., so I want to thank you for reading my story. Having known such wonderful folks here at GFHC I can safely assume that I am not burdening anyone for advise. If you can give me a clue, how do I find out if I have the right Candelaria Guerrero when I search and find several? How would you go about the names of purported relatives on the right side of the page in FamilySearch.org?
I am not a savvy genealogist and I know it, enthusiastic yes I am. What I do know is that I am asking for a heavy burden for you to lift. For you to open the Pandora box for me. I think I am asking for too much.
I had a great time preparing this Open Thread today for your reading enjoyment and analysis -- and a few head scratches. My heart is content in being able to write this diary for you, notwithstanding that I am feeling a tad uncomfortable that I can get past the brick wall at issue here.
P.S., But, regardless of the outcome I am glad to be among you again.
Peace