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Frankly, if anything makes me truly happy, it is pro life guys. Nothing gets a girl going like watching a be-penised individual like Rick Santorum or Rick Perry or George W. Bush or any crowd of smiling white guys smugly deciding the fate of women throughout our great nation. Also, keep in mind that well over half of all male members of Congress are anti-abortion compared to the fact that only 28% of all women in Congress are anti-abortion.

Yeah, well, what do women know though, right? It's not like any WOMAN would have a worthwhile opinion about pregnancy or gynecological health scares or unprepared-for motherhood! Only men, with their cool distance from the emotions of the subject, can make rational decisions about abortion and birth control. Only someone who has never faced the frightening possibility of pregnancy and child birth can truly understand!

This is why I, a woman, will now make a decision that will only personally affect men. As a woman I have never known the fear of being involuntarily drafted into the military. I have never been in danger of suddenly being shipped off overseas to fight and die for something I didn't necessarily believe in. Thus, with this cool, rational, unemotional distance on the issue.... I've decided that all American men between the ages of 18 and 35 should be drafted into the military and forced to serve overseas in order to save innocent lives in Syria, North Korea, and Iran.

More below the crumpled orange parachute.

Okay, so here's the deal. Every day thousands of innocent people, civilians, men, women and children (or, to put it in terms that may garner sympathy from forced-birth advocates, embryos in their 15th to 600th month of development,) are killed in unstable countries. Countless civilians are slaughtered or gassed in Syria every day now. An untold number of men, women, and children are killed either in forced labor camps or by simple starvation in North Korea. There are also civilian deaths in Pakistan, Iran, China, and a host of other nations that represent a threat to the United States.

There's a simple answer to this. Instead of a volunteer army we should simple draft all men between the ages of 18 and 35 into the army, ship them off to Syria, North Korea, or Iran for nine months and BRING 'EM ALL UNDER CONTROL!!!

We won WWII with only 9% of the US population in the military. Imagine what we could do with 15% of the US population (which is roughly how much of the US population is male and between the ages of 18 and 35) in uniform- even for only nine months- and on the ground in North Korea and Syria. Maaaaan, Assad and Kim Jong Un wouldn't even know what hit them!

Of course there are gonna be a few hairy-legged, whiny, hippie, manninazi, male rights activists who will have a few problems with this proposal. I'll address a few potential counter-arguements right now.

Don't you even care about the rights of men? Don't you see how much this is disregarding the health, rights, and safety of American men? Hey, didn't you hear me? INNOCENT LIFE WILL PERISH unless you guys leave your families, jobs, and lives, get involuntarily drafted, get into uniform and go abroad to fight for nine months. It'll just be nine months man, then you'll be done.

Um, yes... but it'll be nine months of massive inconvenience, incredible pain, and a not-small chance of serious health-threatening and life-threatening consequences.
Yeah, but innocent lives will die unless you are forced into the military. We're not even talking about embryos here, we're talking about men, women, and children dying unless US forces- made up entirely of drafted US men- intervene in force.

Yes, and the death of innocent civilians by their own governments overseas is very sad... but why must only US men be forced to shoulder this burden? Don't you, as a woman, think you're being just a little bit selfish putting this duty on US men?
Look dude, I sympathize. I truly do.... but it's not my fault that God made men more naturally physically stronger and better at combat than women. If women could fight wars better than men I totally would still support the draft! Yeah, totally. Plus a lot of men also support a military draft so you can't accuse me of being a selfish girl making policy mandating massive sacrifice by the opposite gender. Don't go there man.

I'm sorry, but a forced military draft of all our young men in this country just seems like a massive imposition on US citizens' rights. So basically you support the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians? Jesus, how can you look yourself in the mirror in the morning?!

You're calling frightened young men who are forced to give up their health and sometimes even their lives because of ignorant, gender-biased legislation KILLERS?! Jesus, how do YOU look yourself in the mirror? You're basically giving a tacit endorsement towards all who wish to assassinate young men who don't want to be drafted as well as all those who help these young men. Now, now... we don't wish to condone the killing of draft-dodgers or all those who assist draft dodgers. Besides, how often does the killing of draft-dodgers occur anyway? Just because we equate draft-dodgers with those who kill civilians doesn't mean we exactly want to encourage the assassination of draft-dodgers though I can see how that might be construed that way. Still, aren't you being a little emotional about all this? What time of the month is it for you anyway?

What do you mean, what time of the month is it? I'm a guy. I know , I know. Look sweetie, why don't you go back home or to a hardware store or wherever you people hang out and leave the legislative process to the adults, okay? You're awfully cute when you're angry, but at the end of the day you really don't know what's going on. Cheerio!

Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out by now, SNARK!

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